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“An ounce of Vaseline equals countless possibilities”

~ Oscar Wilde on Vaseline

“Slick openings, big fun and oily orgasms are the colorful signature of the native Toronto mammal, Vaseline”

~ Steve Irwin on Vaseline

Vaseline in Antiquity[edit]

Thought to be discovered by the early Jewishes, Vaseline was originally used as a food condiment. It is now used almost solely for teh buttsecks.

Taming Your Convenience Size Tube[edit]

While Vaseline was designed and bred primarily for the club kid on the go, it is thought by some to be the ultimate anus moisturizer. This often docile white petroleum jelly can be found crouching in doorways listening to your mother wrapping christmas presents, oozing out of unfriendly orfices, and preventing diaper rash. It is advised that when you do find this shy, dermatologist recommended creature in a home or office setting that you do not tap on the glass. Although it won't clog your pores if you do, it may latch onto your face in a hungry rage and become increasingly difficult to remove the more you attempt to wipe it off. In matters of taming the slick Vaseline creature, never apply too much and always assure it that it is, indeed, hypoallergenic.

A typical 50g tube is likely to bring you better luck in matters of the heart.

Common Misconceptions[edit]

Contrary to popular belief, Vaseline can also be used for:

See Also[edit]

Jerkin It hard