Velcro

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Velcro.

For centuries man has strived to achieve greatness, to attain Godhood, to reach the stars themselves....and to fasten things together without need for vine or thread. Mankind struggled for many years, until one day, Gene Wilder found a solution.

Velcro is that solution.

Velcro is more commonly found in its natural state of field mice, and is refined from this "velcro ore" by a long but inexpensive process.

Velcro ore, also known as a "field mouse".

How to make velcro[edit]

Natural velcro can usually be found scurrying about your local field, farmyard or recycling plant. Pick the little chap up and pop him in a plastic bag.

Once you have your unrefined velcro, take it home and hit it with a hammer. This will loosen the molecules of the velcro until they are all loose, pliant, and bloody. Bits of spleen or pancreas may splatter about; pay them no mind.

Next take your trousers off and gently rub the velcro ore against your thigh. The velcro ore should be pretty floppy and not be offering any resistance by now. If it tries to get away you've not done the hammer bit properly. Go back and do it again with a clothes iron, hot, steam set to medium.

After many hours of this thigh rubbing you'll find that the Velcro ore is getting a bit warm.

You are almost there. Don't give up, you're doing great.

The final step is to pop it in the post and mail it to your local politician. Your local politician is well equipped to change this ore into velcro and will be more than happy to do so. Remember to put it into a plastic bag to retain the natural blood that comes from it.

28 days later you should receive some brand spanking new velcro back. You are a WINNER!