Vietnam War

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General Westmoreland declaring victory in the body-count game in Vietnam.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Vietnam War.

“Boy, was that a mistake.”

“Scoreboard… scoreboard… I killed that guy - he cried like a bitch… Vietnam UNDEFEATED!!!”

The Vietnam War was a live album by Led Zeppelin. It became known as a conflict occurring from 1969 until 1974 between a few vicious pandas. The "war" featured Rolling Stones' hit song "Paint It Black" and was fought in two distinct stages. The first began in 1965, featuring the North Vietnamese on drums, the Americans on bass, China on the saxophone, and France running out the side entrance. Cambodia covered for Mick Jagger. After explosions rained down during the guitar solo, the nations began fighting, claiming that it's not easy facing up when your whole world is black.

By 1970, the US's wife was nagging it to come home. It was a real hang-up, so America insisted that the South Vietnamese needed to master their rhythm guitar parts and take over the bass playing. This stage became known as Vietnamization. By 1971 America was infuriated at North Vietnam trying to take over the gig. Jane Fonda and the freaks from the fascist press were trying to blow the whole scene. Finally in 1974 America stormed out of the venue, knocking over a rack of amplifiers before evacuating their roadies to their Gulf of Tonka Truck, which was waiting outside.

By 1975, the band had become completely Vietnamized. In a conciliatory move, Ho Chi Minh's top hat was finally returned. Lewis Usher and Cameron Mackie also played a great part in the war, so did peanut butter and whipped cream.

Causes of the "War"[edit]

These birds are flying out of a nearby destroyed forest, searching for a new home.

The Vietnam War was, in fact, not a war at all. It was a short prolonged conflict over a specific hat. Ho Chi Minh, born on the backwaters of the Mississippi River to first cousins Lewis and Cameron (see paragraph one), had a rough childhood. He could never comb his hair down all the way, his mother always made him sand sandwiches, and the children always laughed at his name and oddly misshapen right foot. Despite this, he graduated from Caltech with a bachelor's degree in Web Design and moved to his native Vietnam in 1965. As he began his research, he discovered a magic top hat. (The top hat was later discovered to be Abe Lincoln's, which he had lost during his 3rd Annual 'Rumble in the Jungle' in 1865. He had planned to return on April 17, 1865, but he caught a bad case of pneumonia on April 15 and couldn't make the journey.) The top hat made him rather stylish and made him very popular in Vietnam. Frequently, he would be invited to very high class parties. Unfortunately, the occupying French were mad because he was taking away 'their vibe.'

"Whoops! I think I faced the rocket launcher the wrong way... D'oh!"

Franzic de Lacallarataoux XLI, commander of the French forces, decided in 1966 that it was time to act. He sent his entire force (comprised of three machine-gunners but no machine guns and one 1963 camero), to Ho Chi Minh's pad and arrested Ho under the charges of high treason. His Vietnamese friends were very upset and came to America for aid. President Lyndon Baines Johnson offered his deepest sympathies to their plight, but said that there was a very important game on and shooed them off. (The game was, in fact, Super Bowl Beta, the true first Super Bowl, played between the Green Bay Packers and the Afghani Liberators. There were no survivors. The NFL decided that allowing weapons on the field was a bad idea, and in 1967, they re-pitched the idea of the Super Bowl without armed combatants.) Dejected, the Vietnamese returned to Vietnam and stormed the French jail. Franzic realized he was overwhelmed and fled, taking Ho's top hat with him. Ho Chi Minh was very angry at this. He ordered France to return the hat, but they refused and offered "*spitting noise*" (rough translation) as a retort. Ho Chi Minh led his followers in a bloody riot that lasted through the rest of 1967. Oddly enough, he had rampaged throughout all of North Vietnam and had it all under his control. With power swelling to his head, Ho Chi Minh organized the First Vietnamese Freedom Republic and prepared for world domination.

The Main Stage of the First Stage of the "War"[edit]

Ho Chi Minh, realizing the horror that was about to come upon him, drove his newly acquired 1957 Chevrolet to China and asked for aid and beer. The Chinese were happy to help. Secretly, as to not get in hot water with the United States, the Chinese shipped armor, aircraft, and weapons to the FVFR. The FVFR troops were promptly trained and, on December 19, they were ready for combat.

One such weapon was the T-72 Armored Barracks. Although weak in combat, it was wonderful for bunk space.

Unfortunately for the Americans, if they had arrived before December 19, they could have easily quelled Ho and his followers. Due to several map-reading errors and an unscheduled stop in Iceland, the first shipments of American Troops arrived in Phan Thiet on December 25, 1967. They were received very well by the freedom-fearing people of South Vietnam. American troops moved to Da Nang (home of the Da Nang Thang) and set up a border between FVFR and the South Vietnamese, who, without the French presence, renamed themselves Kentuckistan. The Kentuckistani forces were weak at best. Many of the Kentuckistanis were lazy and traitorous, consorting the FVFR spies and, on some occasions, lending them some money so they could pay the rent.

Fighting was hard for both sides. The First Vietnamese Freedom Republic relied on fighting in open spaces. Their tactical advantage in the skies proved very useful here. The XR71 Blackbird proved instrumental in their reconnaissance. The AK47 and the T-80 also proved immeasurably useful during the war, allowing for rapid deployment and destruction of enemy forces in open areas. Ho used systematic burning to clear the forests for his forces to crush the Americans. Unfortunately, his comrades had discovered a large stash of drugs near the Chinese border in 1968 and proceeded to distribute the drugs illegally throughout the country. This resulted in various high Vietnamese Freedmen protesting against the war in Ho Chi Minh's new capital, South Brunswick. Ho created the Anti-Terrorist Ho Force (ATHF) to disperse unneeded protesters. Ho even completed his Super Kremlin in 1969, much to America's dismay. The Super Kremlin had lasers, missiles, and +5 defense against Magic Missile.

American "Tunnel Rats", circa. 1969

The Americans faced an uphill battle, literally. All of the First Vietnamese Freedom Republic's territory was progressively higher as latitude increases. This was due to Ho Chi Minh's ingenious digging and excavating techniques. Some of the worst battles during their push northwards was the Battle of Hamburgler Hill, the Battle for Hill U571, and The Boat Race of Tonkin Bay. American troops were outgunned and outnumbered in each of the battles. The M-16 was a poor quality rifle. American troops loved the sleek design. They hated the fact that it was muzzle loaded. The average loading time for a shot on the M-16 was 31 seconds, allowing for the FVFR troops to get in quite a few pot shots. Even American tanks were no match to their Chinese counterparts. Richard Nixon once went on the record stating "I would put more time and money into our military's tanks if I had the time. I'm just so busy at the Watergate these days." Luckily, the Americans had one weapon that the Vietnamese just couldn't beat; Agent Orange.

Seen here, a file photo of Agent Orange during his 'Post-War Bash.'

Silus McDoogleford (AKA Agent Orange), was born on December 7, 1941 in Pittsburgh, PA. From an early age he was brought into the military and trained in the secret and deadly arts of Fu-Kyu. Agent Orange was a master of disguise and of combat, clearing VR training within a month. He was ready for combat in 1970, and, per Richard Nixon's orders, he was sent to recover the 1957 Chevrolet. Agent Orange was a monster. He defeated entire battalions of the FVFR troops. Frequently, he would sneak up behind them and break their necks. Other times, he would play dead and, when the soldiers approached him, he would open his eyes, yell 'Peekaboo,' and use his magical fire breath to give them all terminal burns. He rampaged through FVFR and, in 1972, he made it to South Brunswick. During his stay in South Brunswick, he managed to get a room at the famed Hanoi Hilton (the giant sign replacement from "Hanoi" to "South Brunswick" had not arrived yet). He enjoyed four course dining, a large swimming pool, and a personal mini-fridge. When he was done, he moved in against the Super Kremlin. Unfortunately, he was spotted on the approach and was caught by PFC Bill Cosby. He was eventually released to India and served the rest of his days partying.

The American forces used the opportunity of New Year's and on September 17, 1974, they stormed South Brunswick, taking the city and burning it to the ground. Then they blew the enemies head off with M16 and shotguns, nice. The area around the Super Kremlin, however, could not be breached until February 24, 1975. The Americans simply couldn't cast anything to destroy it. Eventually, the Americans discovered a secret passage through Thailand and destroyed the Super Kremlin from the inside. Ho Chi Minh was captured in a spider-hole outside of South Brunswick on April 1, 1975. Unfortunately, Nixon was too busy to rejoice in the Oval Office. Instead, Gerald Ford was forced to rejoice for him.

The Second Stage of the "War"[edit]

This pretty sums up the extent of military operations during the second half.
Roflcopters attack Vietnam in the deadliest arial assault in the history of man. 463,987,001 Vietnamese and Chinese troops were killed in this assault, and another 663,884,002 were injured. None of the 500,000,000 Roflcopters were destroyed or damaged, and none of their pilots were killed or wounded. A shell-shocked Vietnamese survivor, who only managed to escape by dressing up in women's clothing, Monty Python-style, said of the assault, "We got pwned by teh h4xx0rs."

The Second Stage of the Vietnam "War" was considerably more covert. With Ho Chi Minh in custody, the Americans fled from FVFR and Kentuckistan, leaving the two nations stranded and confused. Kentuckistan declared itself sole ruler of all Upper Kentuckistan (their name for FVFR) and on May 31, 1976, they began an elaborate media campaign and bombing mission to subjugate FVFR. The FVFR simultaneously proclaimed the Lesser State of Vietnamese Freedom (AKA Kentuckistan) under its rule and began an elaborate tunneling mission aimed at scaring residents in their sleep. The fighting was bloody and slipshod. Firstly, were was confusion on who was on who's side. Both sides adopted red as its official color. They painted their tanks and uniforms bright red. This allowed for forces to easily spot one another and also made way to confusion. Because they both used red to illustrate the enemy on their maps, friendly fire was rampant. Soldiers frequently would wake up from nightmares, grab a gun, and shoot all of their red colored bunkmates. This was the primary cause of lost lives during this stage of the war.

Gerald Ford had forgotten something. During his daily mid-morning tea with Ho Chi Minh on July 5, 1977, a repo van drove up to the White House and demanded that Ford hand over the 1957 Chevrolet in the name of France. He told them that he had to go in the back lawn to get it and promptly jumped into Air Jumper 1, taking off for Camp David. There, he and Ho devised a daring strategy to recover the car. Unfortunately, Gerald Ford was attacked and killed by a Soviet Kill-o-Bot (his magical pentacle for warding off the undead did not cover metallic beasts). Jimmy Carter took the reigns and threw out the old plan (known as Operation Overlord) for his new plan which he called the Camp David Accord. The plan was to walk up to the new FVFR leader, Josephie Stalminh II, distract him with a pizza order, hotwire the 1957 Chevrolet while he wasn't looking, and drive it back to San Francisco.

This plan was a dismal failure. Stalminh saw the car pulling off and ran after it with a bat, denting the rear left door. The driver stopped promptly and fled. He later became the first president of the ACLU. America needed a new strategy. The French were threatening a full scale invasion of America if they didn't retrieve the car by 1979. Luckily, on December 31, 1978, the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics invaded Europe and distracted France for another 8 years.

Both Kentuckistan and the FVFR petitioned America for aid in their war. When America finally made its decision in 1984, there were only 15 living people left in all of former Vietnam. America took the opportunity and sent KISS to deal with the rabble. Gene Simmons led the assault on South Brunswick. Resistance was heavier than expected, as there was a living torso in the area that Intelligence had failed to account for. The Battle for the Chevrolet was a bloody one, sporting a slim 92% casualty rate. In the end, Gene crushed the torso under his mighty axe and sped off across the Sub-Pacific Ocean. The 4 remaining Kentuckistanis stormed the FVFR and conquered it, renaming the entire land Kentuckistan. On November 11, 1985, the next day, Chinese forces stormed the border and took all of Kentuckistan. It was renamed Australia and remains uninhabited to this day.

Ho Chi Minh and his hat, circa 1987.

When the 1957 Chevrolet reached San Francisco, Ronald Reagan quickly licked off the dent on the back left door and presented it to the French. Pleased, they flew off with the car and left the top hat on the ground. Thusly, on September 14, 1987, the conflict known as the Vietnam "War" ended to everyone's delight.

Results of the Vietnam "War"[edit]

  • Ho Chi Minh died on September 17, 1987. He was swamped by a crowd of on-lookers during his 'Come Back Tour of '87.'
  • Charlie Sheen is forever immortalized because he yelled "You motherfucker!" at Tom Berenger in a seedy bunker in Vietnam. He also once yelled, "Ho Chi Minh eats dead dicks!" at fleeing VC. Way to go, Charlie! (Side note: Someone on the battlefield shouted to Sheen, "Charlie, get your ass down!" Sheen was shot 243 times by the boastful boys of the Marine Corps.
  • Ronald Reagan led America to conquer the entire world. He ruled everything. He then suddenly awoke from his dream, caught Alzheimer's, and slept himself back into his delusion before being killed by the Reaganomics Monster, a creature of his own fashion, on November 4, 1989.
  • The 1957 Chevrolet careened off the Cliffs of Dover two years after arriving in France.
    • There were no survivors.
  • Ho Chi Minh became one of the original musicians in David Bowie's band, but he quit after the recording of "My Little Chinagirl."
  • France was destroyed by the Soviets in 1993.
  • The USSR succumbed to the Bubonic Plague and died three years after killing France.
  • Jane Fonda conceived the notion that people actually care about what she says.
  • America seemed happy with the results and insisted they wage a similar war in 2003, but in a place that doesn't rain. Iraq seemed the ideal destination.
  • Ho Chi Minh's brother Saddam Hussain (Code name, real name: It Chi Minh) moved to Iraq to escape the continued pressure he faced from the worlds press.
  • Revival of the popular term shake and bake.
  • There were more African-American deaths in Vietnam because when someone would yell, "Get down!" they would all jump up and start dancing, thus being killed by the attacking VC in the process.
  • The real HERO of the Vietnam War is "John Rambo!" - and he's a shell-shocked, insane, fictional character.
  • The "smell of napalm in the morning" is ever-after synonymous with "VICTORY"
  • It was scientifically established that "Charlie don't surf!"
  • It was "24"s Jack Bauer who named ALL-Vietnamese "Charlie." Jack Bauer gets tongue-tied for no-one.

See also[edit]