Vince Cable

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Vince 'Vincent Vincent Vincent Vincent' Cable was a much loved public figure, who rose to promience in 2008 when, while debating in the House of Commons, he uttered the immortal phrase that was to bring him such fame before his tragic downfall and death in 2014.

Vince Cable travels back in time to meet his younger self. Unfortunately he still wasn't able to secure a vote.

Early Life[edit]

Vincent had a difficult childhood; he was born during the Battle of Agincort to flamboyant Bishop of Grozny sir Ken Dodd and Klingon language enthusiast and My Lia perpetrator Judy Finnigan. When five, Vince's parents moved to Greater Manchester to work in the newly opened slave labour disco in Bolton. Vincent never knew his father as he always hid behind the curtains whenever Vince was around. When he was eight Vincent, clearly now a very gifted child won a schollarship to Oxford, where he was awarded a first in toilet training. It was at university that Vince first met the plate of beans he would later fall in love with and marry.

Later Life[edit]

In 1997 he took part in the Olympics where he took gold in all events due to no one else turning to compete because the games were not due to be held for another three years.

Always one to put on a brave face, Vincent took his victories and entered parliament on a platform of being a not very interesting member of a not very interesting party.

Political Career[edit]

Where the fuck is he? You told me I could meet him.

Vince led a largely uneventful life in politics till in 2005 his party decided to drop their lucid and inteligent leader Ming Campbell due to the proximity of his death. As Ming was led dazed and confused out of the House where he was given the very best of care by professional nurses, young Vince Cable immediately rushed into the position of acting party leader.

Saudis for Votes Scandal[edit]

In 2007 Vince caused an uproar when he announced that he would not be attending the state visit of Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia to Britain. This caused a very embarrassing incident when the Saudi Foreign Minister realised the acting leader of the Liberal Democrats was absent. The Prince was said to be so upset when he heard the news that he ate an entire jar of sand and ordered the whole of the south western corner of his kingdom to be chipped off and thrown into the sea. This was done with a minimal of fuss

Famous Line[edit]

In 2008 during an already exciting parliamentary debate on just how miserable and hopeless the prime minister Gordan Brown was, Vince Cable was to utter the famous line which would assure his place in history.

“We have witnessed the Prime Minister's remarkable transformation in the last few weeks from Stalin to Mr Bean.”

~ Vince Cable on Gordan Brown

The public went wild when they heard the debate. The general consensus was that no one had yet expressed the true nature of anything so clearly before. This issue was taken up by professor Herby Dongledond noted how the contrast between Stalin, who as ever is highly popular in Britain and the universally hated Mr Bean (whose bleak portrayal by Rowan Atkinson sealed his reputation as a tyrannical racist child murderer) was precisely crafted to capture the zeitgeist of the age.

Fame and Misfortune[edit]

Vince Cable dancing with a woman; there's no joke here, that is literally what he's doing.

Immediately Vince Cable's popularity soared. He was constantly being stopped by people on the street and asked to repeat his famous line. He appeared on numerous day time talk shows to discuss the political context of his speech and for the public to get to know him more intimately. He was often asked whether he would like to suggest any other famously austeer people had changed from brutal twentieth century dictators into popular figures of fun, his favourite was always Jeremy Paxman having gone from Idi Amin to Tinky Winky.


Vince Cable and a party member are given special gift boxes after a meeting with the prime minister.

Unfortunately the fame and media attention got to him; Vince started drinking half a bottle of beer every day. By 2010 he was suffering from an addiction to the food colouring in smarties and had split up from his beloved plate of beans after a drunken row. But even in these troubled times Vince enjoyed a great deal of public support, especially in his marriage to a man pretending to be Robert Kilroy Silk. They had a traditional wedding in which both grooms came dressed as a horse. Sadly though a photograph of a young Vince Cable sullying his arse by wiping it with a copy of the Daily Mail was distributed on the internet and caused the public to turn against him, and with the loss of his popularity Vince's mental state deteriorated rapidly.

Friends and family report how he would often drink upto two glasses of wine and go on the rampage in his hometown often suggesting people like Virginia Wolfe had gone from Mussolini to Janet Jackson. The lowest point came when he stood naked in St Peter's square yelling that Kate Bush had gone from Hilter to Patrick Stewart. For that he receeved an ASBO and had his Freedom of Berwick upon Tweed revoked.


Vince met his end while boating on Lake Windemere in 2014; though his colouring dependency had subsided his addiction to boating was out of control. He was found dead by local seagulls who reported his death to the police. The coroner recorded death by misadventure caused from an overdose of mooring.


Who? Oh and he predicted the recession, the eruption of Eyjafjallayoekull and the ending of Avatar, but even he was amazed when Nick Clegg won the first leader's debate.