and in the 1960s—lots of classic—leased on the—ing such classic al—and The Beach—...
“THAT'S what my voice sounds like? I demand this be destroyed.”
Vinyl (Shellac AKA Beetle Shit Used For 78s) records are classified by speed (per FCC regulations) as follows:
- 8⅓: much, much, much slower than a snail or a turtle
- 16: much too slow
- 33⅓: slow
- 45: fast
- 78: much too fast
Vinyl as a Sound Storage Device
The vinyl record was intended to originally store and reproduce sound in Super Lo-Fi, padding the boring silences between individual sound waves with large amounts of snaps, crackles, and pops [and thuds]. Vinyl records were also designed to occasionally skip ahead, so that a spoken would lose any and coherence to the listener or sometimes simply repeating a piece over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and THUMP!
In the early days of vinyl technology, people with sensitive hearing suffered greatly when their favorite songs were played back to them, and so were forced to compensate by installing 5000 gigawatt amplifiers on their personal vinyl-record-playback contraptions. However, many God-loving folk loved the annoying pops and clicks since they considered it a sign that the record was purging itself of the satanic messages that would otherwise lurk within.
Vinyl records have many alternative usages including (but not limited) to the following:
- Novelty size Frisbees
- Novelty size dinner plates
- Novelty size circles
- Novelty size coasters
- Low strength wheels
- Really low strength circular saw blades
- The number one method of Satan for storing backwards messages in popular music
- Really big CDs
- A knife sharpener
- A weapon against zombies
- Low cost flooring
One of the great advantages that the vinyl record afforded, was that of backwards masking. This refers to the fact that vinyl record technology allowed the Devil, or Satan to superimpose eerie sounding, evil, Satanic, subliminal messages on to music, which could only be deciphered by playing the records backwards. Many fundamentalist Christians devoted whole careers to unearthing and exposing such stealthy Satanic messages embedded in songs by acts ranging from the well-known Britney Spears to obscure '80s synthpop artist Jim Croce. Unfortunately, the backwards mask suffered a total collapse with the advent of new digital audio technologies such as CD and MP3, as these don't easily lend themselves to being played backwards. The latest news is that Satan is currently exploring new methods of subliminally subverting innocent teenage minds.
Famous historical examples of vinyl recorded backwards masks include:
Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin, which included the subliminal message: "Oh, here's to my sweet Satan. The one whose little path would make me sad whose power is Satan. He'll give those with him 666. There was a little tool shed where he made us suffer, sad Satan."
Snowblind by Styx, which has the telling mask: "Satan moves in our voices."
Another One Bites The Dust by Queen, upon which the Dark Lord subliminally superimposed the message heeded by teens everywhere: "It's fun to smoke marijuana."
Some faithless and sinful skeptics have of course had to question the veracity of such obvious Satanic influence by asking, "Seeing as there's plenty of acts Satan can, and apparently has recruited to sing his messages forwards (just look at the lyrics of any Norwegian death metal band) why on earth (or in hell) would he bother making the effort to implant messages backwards? It just seems like a waste of resources."
For more information see Reverse Speech - Voices from the Unconscious
Vinyl records can also be used as siding for your house, though it is not recommended since it would take a larger number of albums than currently exist to do so, and would thus be patchy at best. Plus also, do you really want your home to be surrounded with albums such as Air Supply's Greatest Hits or anything by Tito Jackson? I sure as heck wouldn't.