Vitriol is a vitamin taken by bitter, tiny, mean little people who feel they have lost their edge in life.
A product of drug giant Dominatrix s.a., Vitriol has been proven in FDA tests to increase the spite levels in ruthless people over the age of 65 by an amazing 30 percent. Tests also show that in twenty-something men who suffer from Napoleon Complex (or wiki users who suffer from Wikipoleonic Complex), Vitriol induces a pleasing Il Duce effect.
Vitriol is available either in pill, caplet, or body-wash formulas, all of which which are available "over-the-counter." An enema version of Vitriol, Vitriol Lavage, requires a doctor’s prescription. When combined with a multi-vitamin, the product is marketed as Vitrimin; chewable Vitrimin for Children is available for those who haven't learned how to pop pills yet.
In television appearances, spokesperson Ann Coulter is the face of Vitriol. "If it weren't for Vitriol, I wouldn't have my career or my adoring enemies," Coulter has stated. Prior to Coulter, Merck used Dick Cheney as its Vitriol spokesman. Upon hearing that Coulter would replace him, and that they instead wanted Cheney to become the poster child for Vitriol, Cheney reportedly told the Merck's Board of Directors, "Go revert yourselves."
Your Handy Guide to the
- "John Kerry isn't qualified to be President; John Kerry isn't a vitriolic person!"
- Former Democratic Senator Zell Miller following a Vitriol Lavage treatment
- "Vitriol is the basis for good old-fashioned Christian American family values."
- Rev. Rod Parsley, televangelist and Christian Social Engineer
- "While in prison on tax evasion charges, I was feeling a little down. Now that I'm out, I'm returning to my old self, thanks to Vitriol!"
- Leona Helmsley
- "People, who view me as a endless well of spite, have no idea how much Vitriol I have in me."
- Vice President Dick Cheney
- "No comment."
- Mary Cheney, practicing lesbian and biological daughter of Dick Cheney, on how she sold out gays, lesbians, and bisexuals during the 2004 Presidential campaign, one of the most "vitriolic" in memory
- "It's a great little pill."
- Bill O'Reilly, chortling, Fox News
- "Your honor, I am not a person filled with Vitriol."
- Former House Majority Leader Tom Delay at his arraignment in the fall of 2005
- "All mine enemies shall burn in the fire of my mockery! Burn, you evil 'vitriolic' assholes! My hate list is endless, and so is my ability to paraphrase."
- Herbert Hoover's bastard daughter on Uncyclopedia
Under investigation by the Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA), Vitriol usage has spiked in Rednecks, Trailer Trash, Southern Baptist Convention members, and people aligned with various Mormon Splinter Groups. The DEA has found that in these three groups, Vitriol is over-absorbed and poses a danger to moderate members of the Republican Party.
Children's Vitrimin has also come under fire from the DEA because of its excessive usage among middle-school cheerleaders. As a result of Lipshitz v. Beachwood (Ohio), teen cheerleaders are now routinely tested for trace amounts of Children's Vitrimin before all cheerleading contests.
Warnings and Disclaimers
- The effects of Vitriol are cumulative - those taking Vitriol are cautioned not to skip even a single dose, lest they begin to act in a manner counter-productive to their reputation. If you should miss a dose of Vitriol, it is recommended that you double the dose you would normally take the next day.
- You do not need to disclose that you take Vitriol if you plan to appear on Meet the Press, This Week, and Face the Nation. You also need not disclose your dependence on Vitriol to the Republican Party before speaking at its quadrennial convention.
- Vitriol should not be taken by women who are currently under doctor's supervision for chronic crabby ass (Bitchimus Maximus), or who are lactating.
- People who are currently ruining the lives of at least two strangers a day should consult their doctor before starting a daily regimen of Vitriol.
- Patients taking Vitriol may experience an uncontrollable urge to spray their urine in public places (such as shopping malls and hospitals) as a way of "marking their territory." However, this symptom usually disappears after the first week of treatment.