Vodunius Nuccius

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“Vodunius Nuccius has a fancy name.”

~ Captain Obvious on Vodunius Nuccius

“He has a lovely ring.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Vodunius Nuccius


~ Vodunius Nuccius, minutes before death

Vodunius Julius Augustus Maximus Kevin Nuccius was a remarkable individual whom you shall probably learn more about by reading this article.

Vodunius Nuccius[edit]

Vodunius Nuccius.

November 16th, 1972 - March 8th, 2009. Vodunius was a troubled man, growing up in the ghettos of London and living in a cardboard box with a half dead mother and a abusive father. He was critisized for being different, even his own father looked down on him. When he was born his mother had a stroke, thinking that he was an space alien after watching a cartoon that had something to do with aliens. His father would usually beat him for being a so-called "faggot" in that he was never violent. His father's name was Fredirik'ek Nuccius, and his mother's name was Neile Nuccius.

Vodunius tried to adapt to his hellish life but he would get his ass kicked 24/7 by other people, causing him to develop sociopathic tendencies and a deep seated Malignant Narcissism.

All of this happened until the year 1987.

Fortunately for Vodunius, friendship came in the form of a beautiful screw-up girl named Chantelle who like Vodunius, was born in the ghetto. The two made love and Chantelle became pregnant. She gave birth to her first child, a girl whom she named Valyrie. The social services later took Chantelle and Valyrie into care and separated her and Vodunius. Needless to say, he was heartbroken.


Vodunius, two minutes after huffing a kitten.

During the age 15 vodunius started to experiment with drugs such as STD, Kittens, Skooma etc. And yet dreamed about becoming a Dictator. One day his mother died and his father vented his frustration by giving Vodunius a good beating. Vodunius, tired of being beaten up by his father, throttled him to death. Subsequently he fled the ghetto and ran into Hyde Park where happened across the ghost of Sauron who had managed to cross over from Middle-Earth to our world. Upon seeing Vodunius, the fallen Dark Lord realised that he'd finally found someone even more fucked up than him. In short, the perfect heir to his evil kingdom. Sauron invited Vodunius back to Middle-Earth with him, promising him power beyond his wildest dreams. Vodunius had never had power but assumed it was a type of drug so he fancied trying it. He accompanied Sauron back to Middle-Earth where they set up base in the Forest of Mirkwood which sounds like a rather good name for a Night-Club and was one of Sauron's favourite haunts (ha! you get it? haunts?). There, Vodunius entered into a dark apprenticeship. Sauron taught him all his knowledge of the Dark Powers, including the Art of Ringmaking as well as how to create a Ringwraith. Vodunius grew into a powerful evil sorcerer. Having tasted power, he became addicted to it and miraculously lost his desire for STD, Kittens and Skooma. Black Magic has been proven to have the effect of curing people of drug-addiction. Unfortunately it in itself is addictive and just as screwy. Taking life to hard, he went to Morrowind to find himself, and score some of the infamous Moon sugar.

Rise to power[edit]

Vodunius met a nobleman and tricked him into accepting a Ring of Power which Vodunius had been given by Sauron. He then turned the Nobleman into a Ringwraith. He sent the Ringwraith to kill another nobleman and steal his clothes and jewellery which Vodunius then sold to buy fine clothes for himself. Then under the guise of a nobleman he seduced and married a lady of the Court of Gondor and infiltrated the aristocracy. His good looks, charisma and charm caught the attention of many influential Gondorians and made him a favourite of the Royal Family. Vodunius later killed his wife and made it look like an accident, gaining her fortune in the process. A year later he became the Grand Vizier and a close personal friend of King Aragorn and his wife, Queen Arwen. He later poisoned Aragorn and provided Arwen with a shoulder to cry on and the next thing you know, they were hitched. Becoming King Consort of Gondor, Vodunius's next move was to poison Arwen and seize the throne for himself. The power fed Vodunius's megalomanical ego to the point that he went completely mad.

Fall from power (that was quick)[edit]

He then started trying to poison Aragorn and Arwen's son, Arathorn and heir apparent. The Royal Physicians however treated Prince Arathorn and found that he was being poisoned. An investigation was conducted and Vodunius was found guilty. He was thrown in the dungeons and sentenced to imprisonment for the rest of his life. Unfortunately whilst being tutored by Sauron, Vodunius had learnt how to make the Elixir of Life. He had drunk it and become immortal.

Rise again[edit]

10 years later Vodunius was busted out of gaol by an Orc King named Lurtz who invaded the palace to release his daughter, Malicia. Vodunius hypnotised Lurtz and his minions into bowing before him before confronting King Arathorn and using his dark power to turn him into a female dog, making him quite literally "his bitch." Unfornately for the Dark Lord, Arathorn escaped and ran through a Portal to Earth where he met a girl named Valyrie Nuccius who was a trainee teacher.

Vodunius sent an Orc to Earth to find Arathorn and kill him. Meanwhile he took over Gondor and mobolised Rivendell in a War with Rohan by telling King Theoden Elrond thought his daughter was hot.

Meanwhile on Earth, Arathorn (who had retained the power of speech despite being turned into a dog but had a higher pitched voice than before on account of lacking testacles) had enlightened Valyrie as to the fact that he was in fact a Prince from another world and an evil sorcerer had usurped his throne. At first Valyrie thought it must be the new pills she was on but when an Orc came after her she was convinced. Arathorn led her back the Portal which they escaped through. The Orc meanwhile was run over by a truck.

In Middle-Earth, Valyrie went on a quest with Arathorn to find the Light of Earendil which had the power to restore him to his human form and regain his throne.

Meanwhile Rohan was twatting the shit out of Rivendell and Vodunius was rather enjoying it. Sensing that Arathorn had returned to Middle-Earth he sent his Ringwraith to destroy him.

The Ringwraith pursued Valyrie and Arathorn across Middle-Earth, through Mirkwood where they battle Giant Spiders, across the Plains of Golgoroth where they stopped at a cafe and had lunch and on to Lothlorien where they were at last safe. Valyrie met the Ghost of Galadriel who gave Arathorn the Light of Earendil which turned him back to his true form. Galadriel also taught Valyrie the Arts of Light Magic and gave her the Sword, Sting. All this took place in a montage.

They then Lothlorien and encountered the Ringwraith whom Arathorn promptly destroyed. When the Light of Lothlorien didn't work, Arathorn's flatulance, caused by the three-course meal Galadriel had provided him with did the trick.

Meanwhile, Rivendell, against all odds (ie: deus ex machina) had conquered Rohan but were now exhausted from battle. Seizing the moment, Vodunius ordered Lurtz to send his Orc armies to conquer Rivendell and take over Middle-Earth but Lurtz couldn't because he was busy beating down a rebellion by his daughter, Malicia who wanted the power for herself.

And fall (again)[edit]

While Vodunius and Lurtz did battle with Malicia, Valyrie and Arathorn journeyed to Minas Tirith, the Capital of Gondor to challenge Vodunius for the freedom of Middle-Earth and all that jazz. By the time they arrived Lurtz had succeeding in killing his daughter and was about to send out his armies but Arathorn engaged him in battle first. Valyrie meanwhile confronted Vodunius who revealed that he was her father. At first Valyrie thought he was doing the whole Darth Vader thing on her but when he revealed he knew Valyrie's mother's name, she believed him. Some people are easy to convince. After offering Valyrie a place at his side which she refused, the psychotic Vodunius attacked his daughter who after a terse magical duel, defeated her father by stabbing him through the heart with Sting. As Vodunius lay dying in his daughter's arms she said to him "Father I'm sorry I had to stab you through the heart but in my defence you were rather asking for it" to which Vodunius responded "Oh fuck off" before expiring.

Arathorn and Lurtz were married a week later and Valyrie decided to stay in Middle-Earth to see if there were any fit Elves for her to date and now she's happy.

Prior to this however, Valyrie cremated her father's body but as his corpse disintegrated into ashes, his Ring of Power fell from the funeral pier and was subsequently picked up by one of Vodunius's evil minions. The Dark Lord would rise again! (ie: sequel).