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“a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes”

~ Oscar Wilde on Walls

The following is an informational manuscript paid for by the American Wall Association.

Did you know…
That walls hold up the ceiling?

Ah, walls. If the government is the foundation, and minorities are the floor that gets trampled on, then walls are the "walls" that hold up the massive, domed ceiling of society[1]. Did you know, for example, that nearly every house in America has at least one functioning wall? Yes, without walls, there'd be no useful insulation to keep you warm, no ceiling to collapse on you during an earthquake. Walls are an integral part of, not only buildings, but also of all civilization. Additionally, they hold up the ceiling, an important function indeed.

A History of Holding Up the Ceiling[edit]

Without walls, even a humble structure such as this could not exist. At least, its ceiling could not exist. It needs walls to hold it up.

Walls were invented in prehistoric times, long before the dawn of history; almost prior to it, one could say. In other words, walls were invented even before history was. Since then, walls have "held up" the ideals of the entire human race.[2] Not merely invented in one fell swoop, archaeologists believe that walls evolved over time from domed huts, and slowly became more complex. Another, much smaller group of archaeologists believe that walls were invented all at once from nothing, in a short period of creation. Although these archaeologists are ridiculed by their peers, often becoming the butt of many a cruel joke, the theory remains.

Throughout history, many materials have been used in walls, from the practical, to the impractical, to the bizarre, to the downright silly. Originally, walls were made of either dried mud or wood, each of which had its advantages and disadvantages. During floods, dried mud walls quickly became wet mud walls, and immediately turned decidedly "icky". Wood walls, meanwhile, were known to burn extremely well, a fact often abused by early pyros. Eventually, concrete walls were developed, which could hold up even nicer ceilings. These in turn gave way to more and more durable walls, such as those made of steel, which in turn held up better ceilings and rooftops. It seems that walls are an unstoppable force holding up ceilings in the sands of time.

The Future for Walls[edit]

In the near future, it is predicted that walls will continue to hold up the majority of ceilings. In the more distant, but still foreseeable, future, most scientists and future experts agree that walls will remain the prevalent architectural structure holding up ceilings into the next 50 years. Although they will almost certainly be made of chrome (like everything else in the future), these walls will probably "hold up" the "ceiling" that leads to a brighter tomorrow. Still, hovering devices certainly will be present, and these may slacken the burden of holding up the ceiling. Even if science replaces the walls in our houses, they will certainly never replace the walls that hold up the ceiling of our hearts.

The typical effects of a missing or dysfunctional wall. Notice that the ceiling also no longer functions without the walls, since they hold it up. The walls, that is. They hold up the ceiling.

Economic Importance of Walls[edit]

Walls play a very vital role in "holding up" the ceiling of the economy. Did you know that, in actuality, in real life, in fact, in truth, for real, walls are very important to the economy? Actually, the production, sale, and use of walls accounts for almost .009 percent of the world economy. That's a fact. So actual, actually, that I don't even need to cite a source. You just know it. Actually. Still, many people do not take into account the significance of the common wall. I suggest these people try to live without walls, for just one day. So, we found one of said people, and repossessed his walls. Needless to say, his ceiling quickly and, quite irreversibly, caved in on him, without any walls to hold it up. This phenomenon likely has to do with the fact that walls hold up the ceiling.

In conclusion...[edit]

In conclusion, walls are the "walls" that "hold up"... the... the conclusion of this article. Ahem.

What??? Fine, how about this, then... Walls hold up homes. Yes. Consider this: By holding up homes they hold up children, who live in the homes and are clearly the future of our world. Therefore, walls hold up the future. So, the next time you see a wall, think twice before you hit it with a hammer and collapse it, bringing down the building in a spectacular implosion. Because, if you do, you'll be collapsing your future. Think about the children. Why, they simply wouldn't survive. Of course, neither would the building, or its ceiling, for that matter. Because it needs the walls to hold up the ceiling. It's just what they do.

Inner Monologue and Assorted Ramblings of the Narrator[edit]

  1. Best metaphor ever.
  2. Wow, this metaphor just gets better and better every time I use it!


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