Walter Benjamin

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Walter Benjamin was born a German Jew in 1776. He is best known for plagariarising the more interesting German philosophers of his day, but to his fortune his being jewish allowed him to avoid the stigma of anything associated with german thought after dubbleya dubbleya too that is not flamingly liberal or humanist. When he was in his twenties, he decided that in the long run it would be better if he became an English Protestant intellectual. In his lifetime, he was most famous for his dictum that "God is Dead", and his belief that pop art would not only thwart Fascism, it would initiate the Armageddon and the coming of the Messiah. He lived in England for five years, when, in 1812, he was forced to flee to America because of his heretical writings. Benjamin was also widely believed to be a giant bug in disguise. This unsubstantiated rumor doubtlessly stems from his attendance at the Frankfurter School for Marxists. He died of malaria, having been bitten by a monkey while lion-hunting in Africa in 2007.

Early Life[edit]

Benjamin's father was Joaquin Phoenix, a famous rabbi in Berlin. He was a slow learner, as shown by his extant middle-school transcripts, but he finished catechism by age fifteen, and was at the age of twenty made an altar boy at his father's synagogue. His life during this period was characterized by frequent bouts of depression, and he mused about someday visiting Gibraltar. This particular dream was shattered when, in 1808, Gibraltar suffered a mysterious catastrophe and was wiped from the map. The surviving correspondence with his friend Plato indicates that when Benjamin heard about the event, he was initially thrown into a state of shock. He fasted for forty days and forty nights, after which time he drank a Sprite and was enlightened. He realized that he no longer believed in God and joined the Church of Enland, the precursor to the Essenes.


In 1807, Benjamin renounced both his German and Jewish ancestry, claiming that he had never understood how people could descend from monkeys. And despite being newly enlightened, he could not speak any language but English. These factors prompted him in the fall of that year to emigrate to England, where he served as a court-reporter to King Louis XIV and was a great orator.

He began writing during this period as well. In 1808 his first work was published: Theosophy and the Feces of History. Critics admired his unique prose style (the book was written in unpunctuated bustrophedon), while the public embraced his inclusion of scratch and sniff surfaces on the pages of the book. The proceeds from the book allowed him to build Uncle Walt's Family Fun Park, which initially attracted upwards of 23 people a day.

His good fortunes were not to last, however. Each successive publication from Benjamin's "English" period was darker and more frighteningly monstrous than the last. It was widely suspected that he was involved with an occult cabal in the London underground. It is known that Detective Johnny Depp questioned Benjamin in the course of the former's investigation of a career shoplifter nicknamed Jack the Ripper.

Benjamin's fate was sealed in 1812, when he published, with Plato, the Principia Discordia. This book spoke of the coming of the Messiah, who would rise from under the ocean and devestate the earth. He urged his fellow Britons to produce weapons of mass destruction and caramel corn to prepare for the coming Apocalypse. Instead, the English Duma exiled Benjamin, who had not showered in months. He fled to the United States of America.


Benjamin could hardly have chosen a worse year to come to America, which had just embarked on the Hundred Year's War with Sparta. (This did not exclude them from initiating the War of 1812 a month later. He was drafted by the Marines and fought in wastes of Kathmandu. While there, he continued his occult research and made the acquaintance of Dr. Spock. The two were later instrumental in preventing the invention of the printing press and the motion picture.

In Kathmandu, however, Benjamin first encountered the man who would become his lifelong arch-enemy: Bedouin warrior Gershom Scholem. Scholem had magically transformed Dr. Spock into an insect, and Benjamin, terrified, abandoned the service and fled back to America.

Once he had returned to America, Benjamin adopted the pseudonym Dinobot and began the first gas lighting company. He lit street lamps in Milwaukee for several years, and continued surreptitiously publishing such works as "Does Philosophy Exist?" and "Shopping Carts in the Age of Ironical Deconstruction," which has been turned into a major motion picture by Hannah Arend't-a-good-translator. In 1912, Sparta conquered America, and Benjamin went into cryogenic freeze.

The Twenty-First Century[edit]

A team of Heidegerrian skinheads revived Benjamin on October 12, 2006. Eighty years in deep freeze, however, had drastically altered him. He re-embraced the Anglican church whole-heartedly, and believed he heard the King issuing commands to him. On December 28th, 2006, Benjamin (believing himself to be a latter-day Teddy Roosevelt) journeyed to the country of Africa to hunt lions. He wasted all of his mustard gas killing butterflies, and was unable to defend himself when the god-lion Coprologos smote him with juniper berries.