Wank Scale

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The Wank Scale is a scale from one to ten of how wanky something is; indirectly determining what social class it fits into. A Wank Value can currently be applied to people, places and things.

The Wank Scale[edit]

The Wank Scale spans ten values, one being not very wanky and ten being royally wanked. The wank scale is divided into three classes, each spanning four wank values and overlapping one another. There are four levels of wank within a wank class, the first value denoting a low wank rating for that class, the middle two denoting average wankyness for that class and the top one denoting max wankness for that class. A brief contextual explanation follows:

Raymond is middle class, most everything he owns is in the first or second level of middle class wank. Bob is lower class, his belongings fit mostly into the fourth lower class wank level. Rick is also lower class but he mostly owns items fitting the first level of lower class wank. To Rick; Bob is a wanker, although still in the same class as him - they attend the same bar and lower class events as each other and can both agree that Raymond is a wanker because he is a class up from them.

The Wank Equation[edit]

The Wank Equation is used to determine something's Wank Value. This is done by taking the total expense or income of the subject and dividing it by the cost of production or vital expenditure. The cost or income which goes towards wanky features or vital expenditures not actually necisary to maintaining basic needs (eg. GPS in a car or vital payments to your loanshark) is not divided. The next step in the process is not standard but it involves taking the final wank balance and comparing it to the spectrum of other people or things in it's class to gain a rough idea of where they or it fits within a class.

The Classes of Wank[edit]

The Wank Scale forms three distinct classes in its levels of wankyness, these are the lower class (level 1 to level 4), the middle class (level 4 to level 7), and the upper class (level 7 to level 10). These are explained in greater detail below:

The Lower Class[edit]

The lower class comprises most people without a job, some jobless individuals have lots of money already or pretend they are infact middle class - do not let these people fool you, should you come across somone without a job who tries to appear middle or upper class, shoot them and run away with all their money. Not only are these people worthless fucktards; they make the Wank Scale not work!

Habitat: The lower class often reside in slums or ghettos - or variations of the two prentending to be suburbs. During daylight hours, the lower class sleep or abuse solvents and other cheap chemicals. Some younger members of the lower class can be found in shopping centres or other public places, most often just sitting around looking sedated but occasionally vandilising the property of a random entity. During the night, some members of the lower class migrate from the disease sponge they call a bed to their improvised or stolen stereo equiptment in order to blast the surrounding area with bass doofs to ward off predators. Some pack leaders amongst the lower class tend to get together in cars and go shoot in the general direction of random members of the public.

Employment The lower class do not 'work' any rare individual belonging to the lower class who holds down a steady form of legitimate employment is known as a 'class traitor'. Common forms of employment amongst the lower class are listed below:

  • Drug dealer
  • Crack farmer
  • TV theft engineer
  • Solvent peddler
  • Seedy supplyer or restricted drugs to underage persons
  • Single Parent

Diet The lower class diet is composed mainly of paint and other solvents, supplemented with tomato sauce and white bread. At the age of 9 the lower class person develops a dependence on alcohol; this will later progres to crack and possibly heroine addiction, depending on the person's place on the internal class ladder. Members of the lower class will occasionally eat other foods, but these must all be wrapped in plastic or contained in foil vessels or they will be promptly rejected. Current research into the lower class diet indicates that fresh vegetables contain levels of nutrition which are dangerous to members of the lower class; this is know as Vitamine Resistance Syndrome (VRS) which is a variety of terminal scurvy and explains the toothless and unkempt appearance many members of the lower class exhibit. VRS progresses with age amongst the lower class; forcing a child with VRS to eat vegetables has been known to cause nasty faces, vomiting and silly methods of vegetable concealment but a steady course of vegetables at the earliest stages of VRS can break the disease, leading to a fuller enjoyment of lower class dispair.

The Middle Class[edit]

The middle class is universally considered the worst class of all three, it is made up of people who cannot decide whether they are rich or poor; of course they are all poor, they just like to think that they are of some worth. This of course is totally wrong, they simply wont accept that they are not important; some of this situational resentment is borne of the fact their class borrows its top and bottom wank levels from the other two classes, meaning that the middle class is only two levels of very similar and unimportant people.

The wank scale is full of bumdiddybum dum BOSH

Habitat The middle class reside only in the suburbs - anywhere else and they become upper or lower class; moving from the centre two wank levels to one of the shared levels. People who's wank levels sit on one of these are known as lower middle or upper middle class people. During the day the middle class male will always be found at school or work, the female, however, forms two distinct habitat bands; some will occupy band one and spend all day at home taking care of domestic tasks and the like while others will occupy band two and spend their entire lives shouting abuse at their mobile phone, at the driver in front over the dashboard of their SUV or work colleages at whichever company they have sold their soul to (note that band two females do not shout abuse at colleages but five-twelve encrypted smug hate which sounds like witty banter to anyone without the proper codecs installed.) such band two females often have children who are rationed attention in 30 second packages about once every eighteen weeks. Recent studies have shown that less than three percent of band two females can recall their children's name, date of birth or physical appearence, this being the cause of more than ninety eight percent of mistaken identity shootings which occur around midnight when the band two female comes home from work to discover one of her children in the kitchen, the band two female then brutally slaughters the individual; mistaking them for malicious milk thieves.

Employment The middle class have only one avenue of employment open to them; self importance. There is not a single middle class person who enjoys their job, the only reason they accept it is because it comes with either a briefcase, suit, company car or subordinates to abuse. Some examples of common middle class jobs follow:

  • Teacher
  • Lawyer
  • Bussinessperson (usually including lots of meaningless abbreviated titles which all translate to; better than you)

Diet The only thing vaguely food-like consumed by members of the middle class is money; a middle class person must consume over one hundred dollars a day to convince themselves they are in fact upper class, this is usually the reason for their faltering economic status. The middle class also ingests varying objects they are convinced is food; this allways includes filo pastry and usually some near-extinct fuzzy woodland animal burt to a crisp, doused in household chemicals such as woustashire sauce.