“Comrades, you have no need of expensive models. I can get you a crate of vodka much cheaper than that.”
Warhammer 40,000 is a seemingly innocent table-top wargame that teaches innocent people that the only solution to their problems is to kill everything. One way of doing this is to collect Warhammer (Give Games Workshop all your money). It is widely believed that the entire world would have been destroyed by Warhammer players by now, were it not for the critical mistake by Games Workshop making a squad of even the cheapest soldiers cost over $300. Because of this, only super rich people can play 40K, and only millionaires can afford terminators (which are studded with diamonds, see below). There is a cheaper form of playing called "proxy" gaming, where players can use other or older models, Lego pieces, or self-molded pieces to represent the models. This is far cheaper than buying the real models, but is frowned upon, and illegal for tournaments as they do not look cool or muscle bound enough for pictures. Proxy players form an even lower subgroup of a desperate minority of this tabletop gaming society.
40K has caused controversy in the past from its policy of enslaving younger players who, unable to afford to buy the new codex and update all their models, were caught playing older versions of the game in their bedrooms at home. These unfortunates are then converted into dwarves and sent to toil in the model foundries, or made to dress up as Trolls and work in mail order. Did we mention Games workshop also encourages 40k nerds to give them their life's savings?
- 1 The Armies
- 2 Rules
- 3 Dawn of War
- 4 Spin- Offs
- 5 Warhammer 40k and Psychological Health
- 6 Facts and Trivia
- 7 Things Not To Say To A Games Workshop Employee
- 8 The Players
The universe of the game consists of two forces (The overly-powered Space Marines and everyone else. "Everyone else" in this case means one of the other 10 races which merely means some lame-ass army based upon a racist stereotype. ):
Although they are the most elite and fewest in number of any army, the majority of armies fielded at any Warhammer 40k gathering are Space Marines - mostly from the Ultramarines Chapter(also known as the "Genericus Ultras", "Ultranoobs","Ultra Smurfs" or simply "That army you get in the boxed version of the game"). Space Marines have two tasks - to serve the emperor and to kill anything that has the tiniest fleck of "Chaos".(The Emperor is a Chaos Demon as you find out later in the Imperium Codex ) In service to their emperor, each Space Marine takes more steroids in a day than the whole of the World Wrestling Foundation during sweeps week. The result of a lifetime of steroid abuse has produced men with muscles like steel cables, and testicles like raisins. Space Marines experience a group version of "rhoid rage" that makes World War II seem more like a Boy Scout Picnic. The irony is that despite their savage bloodbaths, they actually have the gall to seek out those they consider infected with "Chaos" and exterminate them without mercy.
Space Marine Terminators
Comparing a Space Marine to a terminator is like comparing a Hello Kitty doll carrying a pocky stick to Mr. T armed with a thermonuclear warhead. Terminators came into being when an Imperium tactician realized that the only thing more deadly having an army of Chuck Norris clones was to wrap them in several tons of armor and hand them weapons normally found mounted to the sides of battleships. The only known way to kill a terminator is to drop an orbital bombardment on its head - and even then the chances are less than perfect. The problem is that space marine commanders are the only ones with the ability to order orbital strikes. So aside from suicidal heretics, the probability of wiping out a terminator (much less a squad) is about as likely as Jessica Alba performing a live sex act at an Anime convention.
Research into the Creation of Space Marines
In the year 20XX, Chuck Norris and Nicolas Cage defeats Dr. Who's nemesis, "The Master" and seizes control of a working TARDIS. Satisfied that he has kicked enough ass in "the present", Chuck decides that it's time to take his show on the road. He randomly stops in the year 40,000 AD, and seeing that the whole of humanity has devolved into TV watching slugs with 20 IQ, he decides to kick ass in the future. In a karate battle lasting 37 seconds, he takes over every country on the planet (all three of them: Microsoftia, TimeWarneria, and TacoBellica) and declares himself Emperor. Sickened by the state of human-kind, he has the leading geneticists create clones of himself and build an army. Thus was born the Space Marines.
Minor Forces (Not Space Marines)
The Minor forces are various racist and genre stereotypes. This is no more clear than in the Orks, who's entire language subsists of ebonics. The General of the largest Ork army, Gut-stabba, otherwise known as "G" is the perfect example of the racist stereotype. Covered in more "bling" than a jewelry store, and more guns than a rapper's showdown, the Ork's leader merely needs a brown paint job to be the perfect caricature of a Clansmen's shooting target. The other races, such as the Eldar are a dreidel and a yammaka away from being jewish special forces. Then, there are the Tau, who are the game's weeaboo space communists. They beleive in the "Greater Good" otherwise known as Marxism. In fact, if you can think up racist stereotypes, there is a minor race, and you can bet the space marines are trying to kill them. On top of all this are the Necrons, overpowered ancient robot-zombies who just don't seem to get the message that they are unwelcome to the game. Necron players are frequently tarred and feathered and told to return their miniatures back to the droid army of Star Wars from whence they came. However, Games Workshop has released a carrying case for miniatures so that avid collectors don't get blood, tar, or the sperm of nerds on the miniatures in which they have dedicated their lives to.
Unfortunately there are so many rules, loop-holes, and exceptions to rules that to date, nobody in the known Universe has managed to learn every Warhammer rule. The rule book itself is so heavy and non-specific that attempts to recreate medieval battles without it have so far been unsuccessful, and the rules in it usually don't apply anyway. Although it can be used as a weapon, "If you beat that guy, you can get your money back". It takes approximately six hours to play one turn of the game, primarily because you need to roll a dice six times to decide whether or not one guy fires, and then do it again to determine if the person it's shooting at gets hit, and then roll another six dice to see if the one who gets hit actually dies, and yet one more boring role to see if the amour saves the person. However, the basic rules for a turn play something like this:
- 1. Roll dice to move your units up to six inches, or more in the case of a vehicle.
- 2. If they travel over difficult terrain, take a Difficult Terrain roll to see if they pass it.
- 3. Select firing units.
- 4. Roll to see if they shoot successfully.
- 5. Assault neighbouring enemy units.
- 6. Roll to see if units call hotlines.
- 7. Attack Vehicles. Having two or more runners on base offers an attack advantage of +6, but if Jupiter is in the seventh house, remove any units that are within 3" of your opponents Special Character. Divide total casualties by the square root of your underwear size, then have your units take a Morale Test.
- 8. Units that are in Difficult Terrain take another 2D6 roll to see if they get onto the difficult terrain, then roll to see how far they can pass through the difficult terrain, then roll again to see if they leave the difficult terrain, then roll to check for casualties, then roll to see if your units roll a 2D6, which means that you have managed to pass the Difficult Terrain. Repeat as necessary.
- 9. If your units are attacked, do a barrel roll! (Tap Z or R twice).
- 10. Bikes and Jetbikes move differently than other units. Roll a three-sided dice to determine the speed and Difficult Terrain ability of each bike. Roll a one sided dice to see if your units wear correct safety gear, and if the roll is above seven your Deep Strike Jump Infantry is destroyed. Below 7, count the total number of blue highlights on your units, then multiply and divide the total number by two subsequent numbers which add up to 53. Then multiply by six.
- 11. If your opponent goes first, ignore all above rules.
The separate, unique rules for each army are contained within a holy book for each army known as a 'codex' for each army, which should never be insulted in front of a player who plays that army, as they'll bitch and cry at you till you bleed from your ears. A recent misunderstanding at the printer's resulted in a batch of Space Marines codexes being withdrawn due to frequent pages with nothing more on them than, "Snake? SNAAAAAAKE!!!" they also filled the 5th codex with a lot of ultrasmurf shit but forgot to remove it
It is not advertised much, but it is in fact possible to play an entire game of WH 40k without looking at the rulebook. Do whatever you want, there'll be a rule covering it somewhere. Spit on the other guys' soldiers. Elbow drop the table. Shoot your opponent in the solar plexus. It's in there somewhere.
Dawn of War
Now simplified and playable as a PC game, some say it is more popular than the original.Mainly due to it costing about as much as one tank but you get to use it over and over again and you get a variety of units. Not all of them. No storage device could hold that much. Unfortunately most of the badass units have been nerfed or removed entirely.
- In addition to the original Warhammer 40k, There were many spin-offs made to rope in more
- Battlefleet Gothic- A game based around flipping coins and launching ridicoulusly huge buildings, the buildings then fight for economic dominance, conflict is usually resolved by throwing CEO's at one another.
- Necromunda- A hole bunch of punks or duke nukem guys fighting over things that could have been solved peacefully, but as it is in the warhammer universe, all things have to be in violence.Note, that some gangs indeed do drugs.Also, the juves are sold as sex slaves to the Goliaths, who do not pay.
- GorkaMorka- A game about Mork & Mindy where players side up with either the alien Mork or his wife Mindy. Characters battle it out throwing frying pans at each other while yelling Shazbot. It also has Orks in Cars, Shootin' each other, Not different From Gang Members doing Drive-By's
- Inquisitor- This game is played with one player tying all the other players to chairs and turning a bright light in their face. Questioning usually involves why a certain player missed a game and whether there is the remote possibility one of the players might have laughed since the last session. Usually the games get ugly and the Police are called when the Inquisitor starts cutting off digits with a pair of garden shears.
- Dawn of War- A much more fun "variety" of this game, made by taking the backstory from it, saying "forget the rules", and turning it into another mindless computer game. Has two expansions, Cookie Crusade, where you control a bunch of different guys fighting over some planet for a bunch of random reasons, especially COOKIES!!! Oh yeah, and Cookie Crusade has ZOMBIE ROBOTS! ZOMBIE ROBOTS which are both immune to water and the Thriller by Micheal Jackson.... but they still die when they touch cookies. And, Storm came with unholy retribution.
- Epic- A version of the game with even smaller models that is often dominated by titans which are vehicles the size of a large building and have the ability to p0wn...everything. There is also infantry, whose only function in Epic is to provide valuable traction to Titans walking across snowy paths.
- Apocalypse- like normal 40k, but with bigger armies. Was created solely to make 40k players spend billions on buying hundreds more little plastic models. Rumours were spread around that when a player gave GW his life saving's he would gain geeat powers. In fact, all that happens is they have to remortgage their house, and other 40k players become jealous of their miniature collection and mug them for it. By creating this spinoff, Gav Thorpe unintentionally started a chain of events leading to the REAL. Obviously he wasn't thinkin' with his dipstick
- Starcraft- More of a rip off then a spin off, Starcraft was released by Blizzard Entertainment. It is commenly believed production went as such:
"We have no ideas. Warcraft's getting old, and we have no creativity." "Wait what about this?" <hands associate the papers> "It's this old game called 'Warhammer 40k', it seems to be popular." "This is genius! We're dumb enough to repackage it and sell it as something else!" "What should we call it? We can't call it 'Warcraft 4: In Space'." "How about SpaceCraft? Oh wait..." "I KNOW!" "Let's call it StarCraft!"
- Warhammer 40k: BNP Edition- Conquer the "Minority" in this politically incorrect game. Includes a limited edition "Hitler" piece.
- Hello kitty- a Japanese incursion into the mainly fat white guy dominated nerd fest.
Warhammer 40k and Psychological Health
Warhammer 40k gamers are considered to be afflicted with a variant of table-top gaming syndrome (TTGS), which is classified as a nerd spectrum disorder and is thought to be the third most common cause of nerdism worldwide. Acute exposure to Warhammer 40k is associated with brain aneurisms, due to new players mistakenly attempting to comprehend the rules (which are deliberately incomprehensible) and severe depression occasioning suicide, occurring when players realise that, despite the equivalent price, models are not in fact cast from gold. Chronic exposure has been linked to excessive maintenance of parental residence, social isolation, delusions of grandeur and moderate to severe psychosis.
Nowhere are the potential dangers of Warhammer 40k gaming more vividly illustrated than in the tragic account of long-time Games Workshop employee Gavin Thorpe. On April 16, 2007 at 9:18am Mr. Thorpe entered the Games Workshop headquarters in Nottingham, England, armed with a semi-automatic shotgun and approximately 300 rounds of ammunition. Over the subsequent half-hour Mr. Thorpe murdered 7 people and injured another 18 in an attempt to exterminate an alleged ‘genestealer’ infestation. After eluding apprehension by authorities for three days Gavin Thorpe was found adrift in the English Channel aboard a rubber tyre. Subsequent reports indicate he was attempting a crusade to the ‘god-emperor of mankind’ in the hope of petitioning him to send an ‘inquisitorial task force’ to quell the ‘genestealer’ threat.
Facts and Trivia
- If your general dies in the game, you die in real life. Therefore you, since you are a n00b, should give your commander as much wargear as possible.
- Hitler got his idea to invade Poland while reading a battle report in White Dwarf magazine.
- The God Of Excess' real name is Bill Clinton or Peter North (one in the same if you ask Bill).
- Tau PWN at range but are too afraid of hitting things with their fists or weapons because they might break one of their manicured nails.
- As the orks demonstrate, axes go through idioticaly thick armour without much of a problem. Likewise, enourmous bolters with their massive, rocket proppeled armour-peircing high explosive explosive bullets, which technicaly should be able to obliterate absolutely anything, will have little effect on their unarmoured skin. This slight discrepancy may be explained by the orks' body odour.
- Forty thousand years in the future, the standard battle tactic of any self respecting army is to go in equipped with weapons that can go right through people and kill tanks in seconds, and then spend the battle whacking your opponent over the head with your gun. Also, despite the fact that guns have been around for millenia, the weapon of choice swords, knives, or claws. No one knows why. and (I may sound like a nerd about now) the wiki says they STILL have problems with weapons jamming.
- Even if you happen to have armour with strength comparable to cardboard, and happen to be facing enemies with uber-jacked-off rocket machine guns, the enemy firing these weapons millions of times will not stop you getting close enough to punch them, provided you have enough people, or your dice smiles upon you.
- If your dice doesn't smile upon you, then a hand-held pistol will have more than enough firepower to take your tank out of the game.
- Technology does not seem to advance, even over 12,000 years, ever. Although the Imperium have a lot of REALLY advanced technology lying around, they are too sissy to use it, and they get confused when other races aren't. Most of the imperiums stuff is thousands of years old.
- If you are going to play as the "Oscar Wildes" you will not be able to, because 1 unit costs as much as 100 Defilers and 50 Space Marines and the codex they use is full of quotes, so as to make your head asplode.
- By 2020, the game's creator, an unknown Japanese businessman, will be rich enough to buy the entire world.
- When you play Warhammer 40,000, a little part of you dies inside, and. (Said like a true Warhammer Fantasy player)
Things Not To Say To A Games Workshop Employee
The mention of the following to a Games Workshop employee will cause them to strike you down with their strength 6 power weapons, gifted to them by Lord Jervis.(another made up being)
- So, how much is this?
- OMG HI (insert name here) ...do you ever leave?
- What "team" do you collect?
- I've just started playing. Is Marneus Calgar a good starter unit?
- That's daylight robbery!
- Is Bolt Thrower your favorite band?
- How can you survive outside GW, do you need a gas mask or something?
- Do you have a girlfriend?
- 6 trees for £20! That's a rip off!
- Isn't hobbycraft terrain cheaper?
- OMG HI (insert name here) ...do you ever leave?
- Ever jacked off anywhere other than your chair?
- These aren't games, just plastic pieces of crap!
- How much is this Lemon Russ?
- Don't you feel guilty, dirty and full of shame when you go home?
- Doesn't working for GW want to make you kill your co-workers?
- Aren't Space Marines a bit overpowered?
- The way you've painted that thing with horns makes it look really cute!
- Do you have a life?
- Why is it that these guys have had guns for thousands of years, and yet have reverted back to fighting with axes and swords?
- Do your customers realize they are being robbed? Seriously, GW stuff is expensive. You'll never be able to afford a home if you keep playing. Do you have a home?
- Ooooooh, like video games. Without the fun!
- There was a Chuck Norris model released in 2004 but it was recalled when over four hundred people died from ownage over-dosing.
- What can I get for a buck?
- I thought Satan was the only one who dealt in the bartering of souls for material possessions.
- Wow, this stuff is really expensive.
- Why the hell would I pay $8 for super glue?
- Can I just use your bathroom?
- I'll buy it when some rich person dies and leaves me their fortune.
- You know there are other things outside of this store right?
- Orc is spelled Orc not Ork.
- I thought Rhinos were animals.
- Can I roll again?
- Is this move legal?
- But the book says...
- Do the models come assembled?
- Do they come painted?
- Can you paint my models for me?
- Do you have the latest Squats codex?
- When is the new Dark Eldar Codex coming out?
- Can that black spiky guy hit that blue guy with that big tank thing?
- WHY NOT???!!!
- What dice roll do I have to get to make them shag themself?
- I do not need armour piercing, I have AIDs!!!
- This white paint does not look like paintSPUNK
- How much money do I have to pay before I can leave?
- OI, that money was for the poor!!
- What range do I get for my Spunk cannon
- Where are the women?
- Do I have to take my clothes off?
- Was this thing supposed to come off?
- Do I have to add up my battle points?
- Do you have another job?
- Can I see your girlfriend?
- Are all your friends made of plastic?
- I'm going to the pokemon store, they are better and AIDs are free there!
- You've got more plastic than Michael Jackson
- How many life points does my barbie doll have?
- Are you retarded
- Whats your sharpest weapon,I need to commit suicide
- Hurry up im desperate!!!
- What thats a rip off, how much do I need to pay to commit suicide.
- My wankatron3000 could destroy your whole army and moon over your corpse and then t-bag you
- Don't you get AIDS from the wankatron3000
- Why are you looking so tired
- Is superglue the only thing you can drink
- Why do you have a sword sticking out of your nose
- Is this really the initiation ceremony
- RPG my arse
- Does that thing do anal
- Prostie for the games workshop.
- I would like an escort
- Gangbang my ork's and ur space marines
- Are you a virgin?
- OMFG these are plastic toy solders!
Due to the necessary craftsmanship and sheer absorption-of-life required to play WarHammer, it seems that the only players who are actually any good at it are antisocial Swedish teenagers. Likely due to their intricate little hands and being so used to making shoes...