Warren G. Harding
|Fire Danger: CATASTROPHIC (delete)
“I am not fit for this office and never should have been here.”
“He broke my watch! And my wrist!”
Warren Gangsta Harding was the first and the only American president who could open a beer bottle with either ear canal. His use of the drive-by shooting as an instrument of international diplomacy ushered in an era of peace and prosperity.
He was born in a log cabin syrup tin in a super typical mid-west state called Ohio (AKA the smackdown state). After a childhood spent as a horoscope writer for the Marion Star supermarket tabloid, in 1917 he entered political life during the day, while some historians believe he was batman during the night . In 1920, he won the International "Most people friendly all round guy ever" contest held in Boise, Idaho for his work promoting the interests of the common man who runs large trusts and eats small children for brunch.
Harding greatly desired to be President, but was blocked by the all powerful Woodrow Wilson. A temporary collapse of the space-time continuum cut short the 1000 year reign of the Wilson Presidency by about 992 years. Wilson was propelled forward in time to a dystopic future where he learned to hunt down and "retire" progressive Republicans that escaped to the planet New Hampshire. Meanwhile, Harding dug up the corpses of Wilson's family, placed them in undignified positions, and alerted the press. After Wilson's parents' skeletons were found attending a meeting of the American Communist Party, the ensuing scandal brought down the 1000 year reign of the Wilson Administration. Nothing now stood in the way of Harding's vaulting ambition.
After eons of struggles through various space time continua, Harding finally realized his dream to become President was within his reach. He was chosen the party's presidential candidate in a "smoke-filled room" after Harding had set the place on fire by busting out some dance moves. In the general election, future First Lady Tonya Harding kneecapped Democratic candidate Nancy Kerrigan, clearing the field for Harding's victory.
Harding's free market anti-people policies initiated an era of ever-growing wealth which lasted until the very day the evil Soviet communist leader Josef Stalin launched the Great Depression. Nevertheless, his presidency was characterized by bumbling missteps and corruption at the highest levels of his administration. In 1922 did Warren Harding a stately Teapot Dome decree; it proved to be as unpopular as his "Hog Anus Initiative" of 1921. He also proved to be unpopular with the general public for reasons including:
- Repeatedly clogging the the Presidential Toilet
- Sacrificing every first-born male in Washington D.C. as an offering to the gods to unclog the Presidential Toilet
- Nailing ninety-five infants to the door of the National Cathedral to belatedly protest the Council of Trent
- Laughing gaily at funerals
- Repeatedly taking trips to San Francisco, CA in order to stop the imminent take over of a mechanical figure known as the governator.
- Exposing himself to foreign dignitaries which led to the nickname "Warren G Hard-on"
He was notorious for his verbal gaffes, including the infamous "I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in understanding, to finally be able to fuck the shit out of my pet dog."
In 1923, he traveled to Alaska to dedicate the newest stretch of Tundra. During the visit, he contacted an incurable case of Syphilis from a cheap prostitute he met while in the town of Sitka. In a stroke of genius, he died that June from nine self-inflicted gunshot wounds to the back. His body was moved to the East Room of the White House where it was allowed to decay over a period of seven months.
Warren G. Harding left no legacy, as it was lost in the Great Legacy Fire of 1921 in 1924. All that remains of him is a stain on the floor of the East Room where the putrid fluids from his decaying body collected. Today, the "Warren G. Harding Memorial Stain" may still be seen on the parquet floor. It is a designated National Historic Site.