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“Made from horses”

~ Tamia

Horseradish is one of the most well-appreciated and powerful yet edible lubricants in the universe and is made famous by its tingly sensation. It tastes best when eaten by the spoonful, with a side of meat or sushi. It is also, in fact, an instrument, most famously mastered by Patrick Star.


Like anthrax, Horseradish has existed for thousands of years, but has only become well-known in the early 21st century. During World War III, King Bush the 4th found it increasingly hard to defeat the French who had recently been discovered as terrorists. Without wanting to result to nuclear warfare which could destroy the 40% of Earth that was still habitable, he decided to go with some non-conventional tactics. During this war, American soldiers placed many jars of tainted horseradish within enemy tents. The horseradish was mixed with a very top-secret powder, making it even more addicting than it already was. This caused the French soldiers to consume jars and jars of horseradish far after their stomachs became full. Within time, the French found they were unable to handle the limitless power of horseradish, which ultimately resulted in their defeat (The dramatic rush provided by the horseradish went to the solider's heads and thus caused permanent brain damage).


Ever since America's defeat of terrism, horseradish was not only known as a delicious midnight snack, but also became a prominent symbol of American patriotism. Every year since America's victory, Americans celebrated this wonderful substance by parading down the streets and forcing their children to consume jars of it, stating, "Don't you support America?" Unfortunately, after countless children died due to their inability to handle its sheer power, it was declared illegal for anyone under the age of 21 to consume it (21 happened to be a random number that King Bush selected out of a hat). Horseradish is also the cause of the Holocaust and AIDS.


Today, horseradish still holds its strong symbol of what America stands for (invading other countries and looking important), and is still consumed by many adults who wish to celebrate American holidays. However, as a result of frivalous lawsuits filed from the parents of dead children, there is now a warning label on the front of the jar stating "Do not consume in excess, and do not consume while pregnant until after you have thrown yourself down a flight of stairs."


As of year 2150, the official slogan of horseradish has now been changed to: "Yay mommy! Horseradish is the ish!"