Wayne Rooney

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“"Tonight the British Pie industry was forced to lay off thousands of workers as Wayne Rooney was told by his manager to go on a diet, cutting national consumption of the product by half"”

~ Television Presenter on 2009 Pie Crisis
An inspiration to us all.

Wayne "Granny Shagger" Shrek-fuckersaurus Rooney is a confused English footballer who currently plays for the football club Dirty Scum Bastards. He was born in Poverty, Scouserland and is the first child of Dwayne and Elaine Rooney. While growing up Wayne had very cliched dreams which eventually came true, allowing other working class children who like football to have hopeless fantasises for the rest of their lives. Wayne met future wife Coleen McLaughgafhf in his final year of school, aged nine, they later lived in a BP garage forecourt before getting married in a car park within a hot country. Wayne now resides with his wife in his mansion in Cleftfieldsbury - a mansion he constructed from his own discarded pork pie boxes.


Wayne Rooney made his first million by starring, to great critaical acclaim in the Dreamworks Animation film Shrek. The film was released to great critical acclaim, and soon Rooney's newfound fame and recognition led to the discovery of his other career as a premiership footballer and Man U ugly stick. Following rumours that Wayne suffers from mild mental handicaps, leading psychologists believe that Wayne Rooney has every idea what he is doing, where he is doing it and why - Experts can confirm Wayne knows he is playing for English football club Manchester United and that he is a healthy lad. However, Tests to determine his knowledge of anything else have failed to be conclusive - while Wayne has scored some goals, he also raises his hands above his head and claps at certain intervals - A possible sign of birth defects and/or brain damage.


Despite his obvious ugliness, weight and being a scouse, Rooney actually has a fair bit of skill. However, it is often seen in small increments, perhaps with a run of 1 goal in 15 games, and then not seen for the next 10-14 games.

Rooney developed his high skill level after eating Eric Cantona, a year after he retired from football. However, it was later found out that it was most probably an accident, as Wayne also tried to munch on Titus Bramble at half time in a game against Newcastle in 2006.

Poetical Controversy[edit]

Wayne has been the subject of controversy many times during his career. In 2003 alleged allegations arised after an alligator attempted an affirmation anointing apples and ate aspiring athlete Ally Agson. Wayne denied all charges, his laywer stating that Rooney could not be intimidated by alliteration or any other poetic technique. When a Metaphor was jailed in 2006 for trying the same method on fellow footballer and rising star Michael Owen, Rooney commented that poetic justice had at last been served. Wayne Rooney was in court at the start of his Manchester United career after being charged for stealing all the trophy's in Manchester United's trophy cabinet. As there was nothing there to start with the evidence was inconclusive and the charges were dropped. Rooney is so fat that when he was younger he had to be home schooled because he couldnt fit through the classroom door.

Wayne was questioned about a incident which in involved rio ferdinand pussy fucking his wife coleen and cuming inside her it was later found she was pregnant with a mouse!!!!

Wayne was once caught skipping training at Manchester United, claiming that he was "A Dick",my mum is a slut he was later seen in town stuffing his face with donuts and McDonalds, and was called a "fat cunt" by one of his own fans. Alex the dumbfuck heard about this, and instead of fining Wayne that fat bastard, he went and joined him.

next wayne wants to settle down and fuck his lover oli phipps up the arse all day long 24/7 whilst watching east enders of course.

Growing up in Liverpool[edit]

Wayne had a very tough childhood because he had a face like a dick and was very much left alone by the other kids infact they were shit scared of the ugly bastard. to be honest so would i, i would image growing up with a lad which resembles a wart hog most include some unsightly experiences. His parents took a bit of abuse because of their ugly dumb kid. He failed everything in school, and got the "ugliest boy alive" award in 1990-91-92-93-94-95-96 (etc..) Unfortunately, he came second place to a man called "Cristiano Ronaldo" in 2006. Apparently, they are currently going out and are the ugliest couple in history. Christiano and Wayne now live in a 2 bedroom flat in Manchester, where they shag regulary.

Wayne had a habit of fighting people he didn't like except with his coach. As we can see the coach likes him so much claiming he is a good player, but Wayne and the coach always make out before a match. One night when he was returning to his appartment where he shares his room with christiano Ronaldo, he found christiano and the coach in the bed. he cried so much because he found out his ex boyfriend and his boyfriend in the bed so he left the team for some weeks, the only thing now that could make him feel better was to go to McDonald. Wane once was nominated for the gay of the year but unluckily christiano ronaldo won it. even thought wayne is gay he married for his reputition, he said to christiano that his wife is stronger than him as she is the worlds most strongest woman because of her abbs and muscles Wayne can't even see her breast.

Wayne had a difficult life growing up as a child. He was called "Shrek" by his fellow classmates and friends in and out of school. Partially, because he shits 10 times a day, that's because he's full of shit. In a show called, "You Fat Cunt", they went back to have a look at Wayne's neighbourhood while growing up and found piles of shit everywhere. After taking two hours, they finally spotted his house which was the size of a dog. While trying to enter it, Wayne could not help himself and ate it. It was caught and spread all over the Internet. He later said to The Sun, "It wasn't my fault, I couldn't resist, the wonderful taste of my childhood house was amazing." He was criticized and was demanded by his fans to be kicked out of the England squad. The manager back then was Steve McClaren. After agreeing to sack Wayne, he was immediately eaten and shat out onto the streets. The current manager is Fabio Capello and he claims Wayne is one of the best players in the world as all he needs to do is eat the opposing team. However, he finds it difficult not to eat his own team too, along with the ball and referee. He then shagged the referee, and they r gay now. rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

SexLink title Wayne Rooney apparently likes to have sex with his own children,old men and greasy wogs like Cristiano Ronaldo.