Weather Machine

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A primitive Weather Machine, dating from the Victorian era

Thousands of Weather Machines are in orbit around the Earth disguised as SKY Satelites, Lunar Landers and Frozen Russian Cosmonauts. They keep the weather patterns upon which all life, and more importantly, the economy, depend balanced. Should they fail to do this vital job, it is possible communism would take over.

Every news station, government (except the French), fisherman, mad scientist, sane scientist, dog, cat, gerbil and small rock own at least one weather machine. The machines themselves vary from the classic manually operated kind to the more advanced yet evil type, adapted from Daleks. According to Mungos, weather machines are used by the government to regulate 'popalashin'.

Functions of Weather Machines[edit]

Weather Machines create weather. Without them weather could not exist and all life would die. Unfortunately this creates a paradox, in that life could not exist to create weather machines, which are needed to create life. Upon realising this, Oscar Wilde travelled back in time to place the first ever Weather Machine into orbit. This was called Light.

“Let there be light”
~ Oscar Wilde on Creating life

“Let there be light”

~ Captain Sarcasm on Creating Darkness

All Weather Machines since have derived from this single unit. They can create any given weather pattern, but the most notable examples are:

  • Rain
  • Snow
  • Hail
  • Slush
  • That kind of precipitation half way between rain and hail that really hurts
  • Sunniness
  • Clouds
  • Fog
  • Mist (distinguishable from fog in some indistinguishable way)
  • Fireballs
  • Turning water to blood
  • Frogs
  • Locusts
  • The death of all the first born sons
  • Mass extinction
  • Meteors
  • The Apocalypse

Once the news station/government/fisherman/scientist/dog/cat/gerbil/small rock has successfully programmed their weather station to create a suitable weather condition, they will attempt to predict the weather pattern they just programmed. However, since it is impossible to predict something that has already happened, due to grammar, they cannot, making weather reports random and unreliable.

Weather Wars[edit]

In recent years the number of Weather Machines in the sky has exceeded the number required to control the global weather. As a result many Weather Machines are in close proximity, and interfere with each other's weather. As most weather machine owners are particually territorial, this is completely unacceptable. The solution: Many owners employ Giant Mutant Butterflys to guard their weather stations and throw large rocks at the opposing weather machines. This disrupts carefully planned weather and often leads to typhoons in the Pacific Ocean. This is known as the Butterfly Effect.

Raining Cats and Dogs[edit]

This is a common phenomenon caused by the Butterfly Effect. Strong winds due to uncontrolled weather can shake Weather Machines around quite violently. So violently in fact, that the older, animal-operated weather machines lose some of the cats and dogs that power them. Truly ancient weather machines occasionally drop gerbils and small rocks, but because of Murphy's Law the small rocks land on expensive cars and all the gerbils find their way into Uranus, so most people don't notice.

Miscellaneous Uses for Weather Machines[edit]

Apart from creating weather and initiating the Apocalypse sequence, Weather Machines have many uses. The ones discovered so far are as follows:

  • Refuelling of spaceships, and provision of services (eg: toilets, arcade, convenience store, space prostitutes) for astronauts
  • Baby storage devices for stalks
  • Hiding spies and really big telescopes in
  • Pretending to be UFOs
  • Target practice for SAM missiles
  • Actually being UFOs
  • Location for customer help call centres
  • Venue for theme parties
  • Platform from which to drop pennies/spit/piss/jump
  • Ruining every Glastonbury Festival

See Also[edit]