Weight Watchers is an underground religious cult of lazy, self-indulgent women, slovenly cross dressers and the men who love them, all vying for the same insincere attention. The cult is made up of members who each pay a handsome $1000 USD a meeting for the privilege of hearing an anorexic Stepford Wife, or leader, coo incessantly about her repetitive weight loss victories, which are in fact because of an overuse of laxatives.
How Meetings Work
- Once a month, for about three and a half hours, members meet to single out ways to blame mother's bad cooking, food additives, genetics, social gatherings and TV advertising for their weight gain. At no time is any member encouraged to admit that she has no self-control.
- During most meetings, leaders preach boisterously about food labels, revealing little known ways to detect if a food manufacturer is really poisoning you. All the doors are locked after members arrive, making it impossible to escape from the leader's annoying enthusiasm.
- Meeting content is peppered with commercial messages designed to empty a member's wallet or purse. Members are subjected to constant brow-beating to purchase boxes of overpriced and bad-tasting low-fat crap.
- Members attend ritualistic meetings in 105 degree heat in a remote and secret location, like a shopping mall storefront. Rituals often include such holy objects as digital scales, measuring cups and journals to record food transgressions.
- Every 6 to 8 weeks, members must each must submit to a public weigh-in, or risk expulsion by the High Priestess of Pudge. During this time, other members are encouraged to cheer the "weigh-ee" on for losing the equivalent of one cup of water, the amount any human being would pee out in an afternoon, even if she weren't on the program.
- To help members chart success, each is given a large, serrated kitchen knife for cutting 4-inch notches into her thighs.
Members coach each other in how to eat properly, in an effort to lose weight in time for the summer Fat Ass rush. Common phrases used during a coaching process include:
- Congratulations! You're skinnier. You're still ugly, but at least you're skinnier.
- Now you won't have to buy two seats when you fly!
- You're a lot prettier now that you've lost some weight.
- Wait! You have a neck?
- Wow! You can almost see your feet.
- You mean you are pregnant?
- I'll bet it'll be easier to hear conversations, now that your thighs don't rub together.
- Pretty soon, you'll be able to wear corduroy again.
The Point System
Members must total up food points from each meal, managing points below a minimum level pre-determined by sex, age, income, blood type, looks and IQ. Average daily point totals can range from 18 to 25, depending on how much money a member has in the bank. The richer or more gullible the member, the slower the weight loss and the longer the program.
- Blood (normal) = 2 points
- Blood (of ex-members) = 1 point
- Dirt = 1 point
- Human Flesh = 1 point (When eaten with sour cream, this becomes a free or zero point food.)
- Styrofoam = 4 points (Too much fibre.)
- Oral Sex = 10 points (Not swallowing makes it 2 points.)
Little Known Facts
- Meeting leaders have never had weight problems per se, but many of them are trying to repair their damaged self-esteem at the expense of hopelessly pudgy people.
- Members who achieve their target weight and leave Weight Watchers are so highly esteemed that they are drained of their blood and this is shared between the remaining members so that their success will live forever in the group.
- Hopeless weight watcher candidates are pre-screened and delivered to fake meetings where they are hypnotized to believe that their bodies are made of air.
- If People on Weight Watchers want to lose weight and be on TV at the same time, they try out for The Biggest Loser (TV)