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“All the Welsh may shag sheep; however, I had sex with a goat!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Welsh

“Ble mae fy nefaid? (Trans: Where are my sheep?)
~ Oscar Wilde on Sheep

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about the Welsh.

The name Welsh is derived from 'Wellish,' because people are lazy and like using as few letters as possible, making their language looking like if a computer's on the blink and keeps typing loads of y, w, l, g, and f. If it continues on as such, will be known as 'Wlsh' within 45 years. The favourite Welsh passtime, of course, is shagging sheep. [1]

Welsh Language[edit]

Wor', emi onge inthawen new?

Main article: Welsh language

When England invaded Wales in 1666BC, they asked the Welsh if they actually had anything worth invading Wales for. The Welsh, embarrassed that the only things they had were sheep, said they had their own language too, which was a load of bull****. When the English asked them to speak Welsh, they improvised a load of gibberish, pretending to understand each other. And so, for 3676 years the Welsh people have spoken their gibberish, writing it using the only letters they know : w, f, l, g, d, n and t. They double up a few of these like "l", "d", and "f" and say these are letters all their own, just so they can say their alphabet has more than seven letters. After years of studying the language, many people admit that the Welsh language is a beautiful thing, which is older than most languages in the Western World.


Wales is known for its many Welshisms, such as "whose coat is that jacket?", "see those two houses over there? Mine's the one in the middle", "shut up when you're talking to me" and "I'll do it in a minute now". It is not known if these isms were made to confuse the English or if an Irish man has infiltrated the Welsh way of speaking somehow. Another Welsh way of speaking is to add an S on the end of words, for example, "I loves you" or "I knows that". Also, the adding of like to the ending of a sentence is very common, for example, "I like you, like". Also some welsh people add the word now on the end of the sentence like "listen now". These strange Welsh beings like to make jokes that only welsh people can understand, and if you add the three letters 'iau' (ee - eye) onto the end of any word, it automatically turns Welsh; for example, cup is cupiau (cup - ee - eye) and bed would be bediau (bed - ee - eye)... if they were civilised enough for beds that is....

Speaking Welsh[edit]

Probably the easiest way for any person to begin speaking Welsh is to raise the pitch at the end of every sentence. After this has been mastered you need to roll all of your R's. Then say your d's like th's and you'll be on your way to fluency. To obtain higher grades in GCSE examinations it is necessary to produce a sufficent ammount of spit when reading out given sentences (normally 40-55 ml). The last step in learning to speak Welsh is to say "is it?" at the end of every question and greeting everybody with- "Orite Butt!". It is diffucult to master but the average English speaker takes around 3 years to learn Welsh to an A-C GCSE standard.

Welsh People[edit]

Why look here fellows, a Welshman is trying to play badminton. Isn't that quite charming?

Little is known about the Welsh. We know they smell like chip shops, they live in giant fish that can't breath under water, they have their own strange fast-paced language that they call "LLyddpwdlldddddddddddddd" and that they have an odd ability to telepathically communicate with Chinese people. It is highly possible that the Welsh seek to dominate the world with the Chinese or simply buy their lamas from Tibet. Many confuse the Welsh language with an outrageous idea called "Cymraeg" (pronounced cum-rag), which actually is spoken in Liverpool due to the amount of spitting.

One iconic welsh figure in welsh mythology is tim grubb, an ex-sas south walian lunatic. After leaving the sas he wanted to continue to inflict pain on young men from north wales and by punishing an illegal imigrant called pop. Tim did not speek welsh nor english, instead he had his own uniqe quotes such as: "yeeeeeeer now ye little cunt" "if you fuck me around boys, i'll fuck you around all night" a disturbing thing for a 40 year old man to say to young boys as he still runs around in small shorts. Tim denies being a pedo and insists that he is training for a marathon, but i still have'nt seen him run one marathon. One of the many names the local welsh call this mythical beast is "danadd cachu" (or shit teeth in england speek).

These beings are otherwise unknown to us and may be more dangerous than we give them credit for - just think about it, all those rugby players in one country? They must be training for something. Evidence has been found that suggests Wales has a much smaller population than is supposed - the Welsh just move around a lot making it difficult to count them.

The leaders of this strange race, Tom Jones and Charlotte Church, have made the people of the world trust them by hypnotising them with their singing, so they have the opportunity to broadcast their voices all over the world: when the Welsh hear this signal they will spring into action and capture all those who were listening and make them do their bidding and force them to speak Welsh. They will capture world leaders and force the few that weren't listening to go into hiding.

Evidence suggests that the Welsh originated form Fresh tomatoes on the vine between 1945 and 1946. The earliest fossilised remains of a Welsh man were found in the Brymbo Valley by archeologists in 1950. Carbon dating estimates that "Brymbo man" lived between 1946 and 1947.

An early Welshman of note was John Wheel moral philosopher and a pioneering mathmatician.

People who don't love the Welsh in equal measure[edit]

  • That guy
  • Jealous Englishmen
  • Abraham Simpson chased all the Welsh (and Irish) out of Springfield.
  • Jeremy Clarkson put 3D map of Wales in the microwave.
  • The Spanish Inquisition

People the Welsh don't love[edit]

  • Borris Johnson leader of 'the big smoke'.
  • Anne Robinson racist ginger woman off the telly.
  • The Spanish Inquisition


  1. Consequently, the Welsh are able to still provide a pronunciation for this spelling.

Sex with non blood related people!

See also[edit]

Did you know…
The Welsh are commonly refered to as "the Irish who couldn't swim" in England.