Wester Hailes

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“Wester Hailes is a shite area”

~ Captain Obvious on Wester Hailes
Savile telling children on his show about how he built Wester Hailes with his own bare hands.

Wester Hailes is an area of Edinburgh, Scotland. It was built from 1969 onwards as part of Edinburgh's ongoing programme to hide the working classes out of public view, this had already proved successful in areas such as Gilmerton and Oxgangs. It originally contained 3 million council homes but as many as 7 of these have now been lost from public ownership due to tenants taking advantage of the 'Right tae Git Ootay This Pit' scheme. Most homes were designed and built by Sir Jimmy Savile after receiving a letter from the head of Lothian Regional Council asking him to 'fix it' for them.

Several flats and houses overlooking the Union Canal.

How long before I mentioned this..[edit]

Drugs. The area's full of them. A recent survey by the Daily Sport found that 4 fifths of the areas population regularly smack up at least twice a day. Even more so whilst Postcode Challenge is on the telly.

A couple from Wester Hailes

Talkin' bout my Regeneration[edit]

There have been several attempts to improve the appearance of Wester Hailes and this has been somewhat of a success. But only to a certain extent. Many of the streets do look beautiful after a reclad and a new set of swings, that's until you hear "Aidan!! Kenzie!! hurry the fuck up or am gettin oan the bus withoot yiz!!" echoing from down the road as a single parent attempts to instill some discipline into her two young children. As part of ongoing regeneration work, the Union Canal was reopened in the early 2000s having been kept stored in a warehouse in Sighthill for more than 30 years.

The council did once attempt to improve the area by dropping a large bomb on it but ironically this only resulted in a large rise in claims for incapacity benefits and disability allowances due to injuries sustained from the bombing.

Famous Faces from Wester Hailes[edit]

  • John Smeaton's pal's brother's girlfriend's mother-in-law's uncle's pal.
  • Susan Boyle's brother's pal's girlfriend's mother-in-laws's uncle's pal.
  • Old whits-his-face who goes into Farmfoods every day.
  • Marvin Gaye.

Shopping[edit]

Wester Hailes has its very own "mini Oxford Street" in the form of 'Westside Plaza'. The centre was constructed in the early 1970s and the actual building was designed by Nasa, boasting new cutting edge technology such as stairs, doors and escalators. Its main use was so that the local bairns could be fed. It contains many up-market shops such as a Lidl, Greggs, and Iceland and is where all the locals go to save on their own heating bill.

Cinema[edit]

Wester Hailes even has its very own cinema. It originally opened in late 1869 as the ABC but then the owners realised Wester Hailes was not due to be built for another 100 years and that moving film had not yet been invented so in the meantime it was used as a farm for the mentally retarded. It was finally reopened as the ABC cinema in the 1990's but nobody really liked that name so they changed it to 'Old Doris's Extremely Orgasmic Nookiehole' (ODEON). Nobody knows why.

Transport[edit]

Buses 3/3A, 18, 20, 30 and 33 all serve the area at least once a week each. Taxi drivers can sometimes be persuaded to take you to Wester Hailes if you buy them a yum yum from Greggs.

See also[edit]