Wheeling Jesuit University/Legal System/Double Secret Probation
Double Secret Probation is one the most severe punishments that can be issued by Wheeling Jesuit University's Residence Life. Any misdemeanour or misbehaviour, ranging from keeping hamsters in one's room to writing and distributing subversive or dangerous literature, may see one being at the receiving end of Double Secret Probation. In an effort to streamline the judicial process, the specific actions that may be performed under Double Secret Probation are deliberately vague. In this way, criminals can be processed for efficiently and effectively, promoting general safety on campus for all.
History of the Document
Double Secret Probation was first put into effect in 2002 under the regime of Chris Bling, who was pressured by Lundius Superbus to create harsher policies in order to kerb the "menace of smart people doing naughty things" (in his words). Taking a cue from an ancient text uncovered in an archaelogical dig in Campion/McHugh, Bling drew up new student life policy based on an old slave colony penal code which had dated from the time of Wheeling College.
Double Secret Probation is listed under Chapter XVI, Section 415 of the WJU Penal Code. Its initial wording was:
- Whoever messes with ma shit gets a beating. I'm bein' serious, yo. This means no moving furniture outside of your room, no punching holes an' shit in Ignatius, no writin' bad stuff about me or ma friends to make us look stupid, no deletin' ma Important Information, no keepin' them hamsters in yo room, no messin' around with ma car, no messin' around with ma girl, and any o' that. Cut that shit out, y'hear?
Section 416 ("Being an asshole") offers more clarification:
- Jus' to be sure, I wanna make sure this is clear - ain't no one runnin' around campus without pants anymore. This university ain't yo playground, bitch. It's MINE.
A detailed report, along with a copy of the newly outlined policy, was sent to the WJU Board of Governors for approval, and was put into effect on 29 August, 2002, after a majority vote of 6 to 2. Chris Bling summarily sent an email announcing this new policy. Unfortunately, the email was unreadable, and nobody even realised that new policy was in effect until 6 weeks later, when a WJU student was incarcerated for "laughin' at ma threads". The student was found guilty under Double Secret Probation and sentenced to death. In a daring move that shocked Residence Life, the student was freed from his underground prison by Yellow Lightning two days before his scheduled execution. Enraged, Lundius Superbus decided that more had to be done.
A New Direction
Efforts were made to increase the power of Double Secret Probation, but Chris Bling's more specialised vernacular prevented Double Secret Probation from being effective for several years. Then, in 2004, Great White Mother took up the challenge of completely re-writing the sections on Double Secret Probation. Great White Mother, authorised by El Presidente, "re-interpreted" Section 415 and changed it to read:
- Whoever angers, threatens, upsets, ridicules, or generally makes sad the WJU administration, Board of Governors, and other people-in-charge; whoever decides to cross paths with any of the aforementioned parties and more besides; whoever does not do our every bidding, shall be punished in a variety of ways that can be decided on a case-by-case basis. Fools.
Queen Maher, a vocal supporter of the new wording of Section 415, set about attempting to apply Double Secret Probabtion to any student on practically a daily basis. The new wording was also applauded by Residence Life, ITS, Parkhurst, and many other branches of WJU leadership.
In essence, Double Secret Probation can be used against anyone, for any reason, and can result in anything, including ultra-specific penalties that cannot be logically applied to anyone else. Double Secret Probation also provides a solution to the so-called nagging accusations of "double standards" when punishing different students. In this way, Double Secret Probation is a more holistic form of punishment that will ensure the safety of the Wheeling Jesuit community for many years to come.
The following major cases have warranted the application of Double Secret Probation.
- Being an ardent supporter of students' rights.
- Penalty: death.
- Possessing a copy of Moore's Booke of Academic Martyrs; sharing or reproducing the aforementioned book for others to read.
- Penalty: torture by hot pokey things.
- Being Levi Pelikan.
- Penalty: technically death, although Pelikan cannot be killed.
- Writing an objective history of WJU.
- Penalty: being made to ballet dance on a wire suspended above a lake of Nile crocodiles.
- Being a well-rounded and high performing student.
- Penalty: withdrawal of scholarship money.
- Being an athlete with excellent academic performance, but not belonging to a "real" sport like lacrosse.
- Penalty: denial of one's existence.
- Advocating correct Catholic teaching and spreading the word.
- Penalty: The viewing of The Postman until one's eyes fall out.
- Being alive.
- Penalty: daily beatings by Campus Insecurity.