Wheeling Jesuit University/People/El Presidente

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El Presidente

Acceptancerate.jpg
El Presidente (far left - in more ways than one!) promotes a new slogan for the university.

Publisher WJU Saga
First appearance 2003
Created by Churchill Society, Wheeling
Statistics
Real name Count Percival Hacala
Status Inactive
Affiliations Society of Jesus, League of Evil
Previous affiliations None
Notable aliases Count Hacala
Notable relatives Unknown
Notable powers Time drag; lightning from the eyes

El Presidente was a conceited and cruel Jesuit, and was the president of Wheeling Jesuit University from 2003 to 2006. He had been president of the college since the departure of the ultra-progressive Lundius Superbus from our dimension in 2003. Since he assumed leadership of the university, things did not necessarily swung around for the better, but advocates at the time were hopeful that, at the very least, his lack of brainpower would make him easy to overthrow if a coup should occur. He was a very strong proponent of Kulpability and the right to smack other males on the ass.

Early Life and Childhood[edit]

El Presidente of Wheeling Jesuit University's title did not come from any election. To get the full story of this nickname we must go back in time fifty years to when El President was a millionaire playboy. The son of a light bulb changer (before there were light bulbs), El Presidente's childhood was marked with discord. His mother would complain about his father not changing the light bulbs around the house, and his father would complain about his mother’s female problems, if you know what I am saying. These stressful beginnings nurtured El Presidente's urge for pancakes, which in turn lead to incarceration and the subsequent therapy with the celebrated psychotherapist Lloyd Christmas beginning at the age of 12. He was surrounded by the worst criminal minds his generation could throw at him. The Ganker was the most influential in El Presidente's life for it was he who originally told El Presidente to join the priesthood. Thanks to journal entries that survived the valmoriphication process, we know that The Ganker is the one who gave El Presidente his title. Journal Entry follows:

The Ganker: "Hey *name blurred*, have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moon night?"
El Presidente: "No, but the moon light makes your Man-Tan look really neat."
The Ganker: "Ahhh. *13 seconds of silence follow* Yeah, I was thinking of joining a Man-Band. You know, like a boy band but for men? *13 more seconds of silence* So do you like tapes or CDs?"
El Presidente: "Tapes because CDs can give you cancer."
The Ganker: "Then what don't you tape these nuts to your forehead?"
El Presidente: "You know what? I should join the priesthood."
The Ganker: "Yes, I think so too. Also, a good nickname, if you ever become part of the Administration of a small school in West Virginia, is El Presidente."
El Presidente: "Watch the Family Guy movie."

At the age of 26 El Presidente was given a clean bill of mental health, which meant he automatically passed the seminary’s entrance exam. He then went on to become part of the Administration of a small school in West Virginia named Wheeling Jesuit University, even though he did not have his PhD. At the University he went on to do such notable things as change the Ratt for the worse, push an alumni student onto his back in front of 400 people, and walk around campus in a T-shirt and sweat pants.

Project Lebensraum[edit]

Project Lebensraum, originally instituted under Father Rom, finally failed after El Presidente’s attempt at recovering from the progressive financial tactics of Lundius Superbus went awry. His plan called for a "Human Exclusion Zone" around campus, thereby limiting public contact with the seedier elements of the campus, thus making people think the school was far better than it really was. By doing so, El Presidente was able to trick many people into giving him tons of goldz and shiny objects to help fund other projects and to keep the Lacrossetitutes distracted. The project failed when El Presidente attempted to build a land bridge from Big Wheeling Creek to Asia, thereby angering The Back Gate and incurring its wrath. Following this failure, El Presidente officially ended Project Lebensraum in favor of a project that was never named. Something about showers...

Recent Times[edit]

El Presidente was forced to abdicate after being tricked into having some "special" Kool Aid while sitting in on a meeting of the campus Heaven’s Gate Club, WJU Branch. The Kool Aid stripped El Presidente of his special powers and his immortality, leaving him susceptible to being flipped over for massive damage. Because of this weakness he has fled to the 8th Dimension, or the Dimension without Time, where his Immortality was absorbed back into the Unified Sentience. A Folgers Coffee can that is believed to contain the remains of Father Raculad was named temporary president until interim president Burgeoning Buffoon. In February of 2007, Don Immortal was selected to be El Presidente's successor.

The conclusion of a recent campus-wide poll voted El Presidente the second-worst president of all time, behind Io the Invincible.

Powers[edit]

A poster depicting El Presidente encouraging faculty loyalty through force.

Being a Jesuit, El Presidente has mastered a power known as "Time Drag". This is best described as a variation on Zeno's stadium paradox. Essentially, El Presidente is capable of chronohyperextension - at maximum power, he is capable of "dragging" five Real Time minutes into three "dragged" hours. In this way, powerful faculty are kept under his control during pointless faculty conferences and meetings with the Council of Six. His primary defensive power is lightning from the eyes.

From the Desk of El Presidente[edit]

In an Important Information update issued to the university by El Presidente, he had this to say about the baptism of Jesus:

"I will serve as the Celebrant, Fr. Stark will preach briefly on the Feast of the Baptism of Jesus, and Davitt McAteer, our Vice President for Sponsored Programs, will offer reflections on that terrible event."

See Also[edit]

Preceded by:
Lundius Superbus
President of WJU
2003 - 2006
Succeeded by:
Don Immortal