Wheeling Jesuit University/People/Great White Mother
|Great White Mother|
The Great White Mother was raised in a far-off land, whose exact name is lost to the mists of time. She garnered a reputation in her youth as a stern-but-fair adjudicator of disputes. She was held in high regard, and offered high positions in her native land. However, she felt a greater moral obligation to help a primitive tribe overcome its ignorance and bring it to the enlightenment her childhood friends took for granted. She thus began a search for a tribe so savage only she could bring them to modernity.
Wheeling Jesuit University
Great White Mother eventually read a pamphlet about the abominable conditions at Wheeling Jesuit University, where savage students ran around freely, posting whatever they pleased on the walls and demanding respect from their betters. Indeed, this was a dark time in Jesuit history. Students actually ran their own "Student Government," and thought that Community Service was something that was completely voluntary. Upon hearing of these conditions, Great White Mother knew that she had to do something.
"We are going as Civilisers"
The Great White Mother arrived at Wheeling Jesuit University during the tumultuous late year of 2004. Her arrival was greeted happily by the Bureaucratic Potentate who managed to hold on to power over the University grounds. With her mission as a civiliser deep in her heart, she was given the title of "Dean of Student Development," a new spin on the old Residence Life regime. Upon assuming power, she announced that the Bureaucratic Potentate would "take back our university" from the students. She immediately set to work during the 2005-2006 academic year, facing a number of enormous crises that threatened the image of the university.
The Student Rebellions
Student government was, at this time, lead by an enigmatic chieftan known as "Kevingetorix." Kevingetorix was president of student government, and he believed that student government had a legitimate role to play in campus politics, and he also believed that members of the Bureaucratic Potentate could be held responsible for their mistakes. These ideas were obviously very dangerous, and they needed to be stopped. Knowing that the natives would get restless if an external intervention was used, she cleverly worked within their primitive laws and invoked impeachment proceedings against J-K. However, these proceedings failed due to the lack of substantive charges. Not one to be deterred, Great White Mother used her position as "law-giver" to create the penalty of Double Secret Probation, which she applied to Kevingetorix without further ado. He was removed from government, and she gave control to the Community Service Organisation.
The Sign Controversy
Another strange custom of these primitive people was their fervent belief that they had some sort of "right" to post signs about the campus advertising their affairs. This was obviously an affront to decency. In addition, many students posted their signs with Scotch Tape, which was banned by International Convention as a Weapon of Mass Destruction. In order to better protect the superstitious natives, Great White Mother instituted a programme of Kulpability, where the students could only post decent signs approved by a supreme arbiter. Furthermore, she banned the use of Scotch Tape as a war crime.
The Medical Records Controversy
There was no medical records controversy. No students had their medical records deleted due to bureaucratic ineptitude. Furthermore, no students were forced to scramble to find their childhood vaccination records to avoid being given the boot. Such claims are defeatist rumors. Great White Mother loves you. Great White Mother will take care of you. Do not doubt Great White Mother.
A final improvement made by Great White Mother was her banning of pong bombs, a cruel and destructive instrument used in many savage lands as a weapon of unholy terror. By banning pong bombs, Great White Mother put an end to the scourge of "Beer Pong Warfare," which had previously cost many lives.
Criticism of Great White Mother
Many less progressive students are apt to criticise Great White Mother. Do not listen to them. Great White Mother cares for her charges as no one else does. If we get rid of her, we shall return to the savage days of Kevingetorix again. We must obey Great White Mother, even if we do not always understand her wisdom.