White Phosphorus Jesus

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Votes for deletion This article is being considered for deletion in accordance with Uncyclopedia's deletion policy.

This page may not fit in Uncyclopedia, or may not be funny with little chance for redemption.
Please share your thoughts on the matter at this article's entry on the Votes for deletion page.

Description

The Beginning[edit]

White Phosphorus Jesus, created in 1457 by Napoleon, was fashioned by the Dark Arts to battle in an ongoing war waging against Denmark. WP Jesus was intended to be Napoleon's ultimate secret weapon in the war against the Danes, but after only three successful campaigns WP Jesus grew tired of constant war. He deserted the French army and traveled eastward to Tibet in search of peace. He spent several years in a monastery, living ascetically, helping the Buddhist monks with their daily lives, rituals and studies. His new and peaceful existence was eventually shattered by a vicious attack on the monastery by neighboring Mongolians. While WP Jesus was away in the mountains meditating, gathering herbs and roots - the Mongolian attacked ruthlessly. Those who were left alive were taken northward as slaves.

WP Jesus returned to find the carnage and vowed his Ultimate Revenge. The Mongol Plains never saw so much blood. Using his Ultra Blitzkrieg WP attack he was able to decimate the Mongolians. His attack was so ferocious and brutal that the slaves in tow were all burned alive - instantaneously. WP Jesus drifted into obscurity for the next few hundred years. He wandered the earth in search of purpose. He questioned mankind's will to dominate; their need for power in the absence of any phenomenal fealty. Much is unknown of White Phosporus Jesus or his doings over the next 400 years.

By 1943 he resurfaced. He was destitute. Historians found that he had incurred enormous debts at various drinking establishments and houses of ill repute. Because of a Dutch prostitute named Ula he was forced to contract himself out a as a mercenary to the Soviet Army. For the duration of the war he fought in front line units and his UBWP attack was instrumental in several battles. After the war he returned to his old ways and was often seen in the higher echelon of European brothels, sobbing over Ula who had died of syphillis while he was away at war and spending his earnings on opiates and the newest girls that were brought into the local harems. Years later, he opted for more mercenary work and became involved in the Vietnam conflict. With his diverse array of white phosphorus attacks he was an important weapon for the US, but the carnage became too much a part of his identity. WP Jesus began to enjoy burning people to death with his attacks, it began to give him extreme satisfaction.

Description

With a growing thirst for WP destruction he resorted to burning both Viet Cong and civilians alike. He enjoyed looking into the eyes of the victims as the WP burned its way through their bodies. His sadistic propensity, however, came at a price and he was eventually shot down over Hanoi while attempting to firebomb a school. The North Vietnamese quickly captured him and placed him in a POW camp. With his WP powers low he was not able to resist. He spent seven years in the camp. Barely fed, he had to survive on eating beetles and rice. He was eventually able to escape and made it across the border into Cambodia. In Cambodia he waged a terror campaign until he acquired enough money to head to the United Sates. He soon found work again working for the US in Iraq. WP Jesus got to work at flushing insurgents out with his Insurgent Flush WP attack. "Insurgents and civilians alike, they were going to see their god." After saving the lives of thousands of US troops he was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor.

Description

He has since returned to the US and currently spends most of his money on cheeky prostitutes and a blossoming meth habit. He managed to save enough to buy a home in South Carolina, away from much of the Southern populace where he now gets by on monthly disability checks. He has 50 cats that endlessly breed. Once a month he goes to the mailbox to get his check. After placing an opened and emptied envelope in the trash he gathers all of the kittens, places them in a 20 gallon drum and purges the drum with WP.


  • we need to keep this site donot delete it hails phosphorus rain jesus incinerating and liquefying te infidelss.~9:05 4-26~