White metal

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This article is about metals. For the music genre, see Christian metal.
Tom Selleck, a big fan of White Metal.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about White metal.

“Please don't pass this shite off as being in my name... it's SOOOOO embarrassing!”

~ God

The white metals are any of several concoctions of metal, pious hatred and milk solids. The melting point of hatred is high enough to keep piousness at room temperature, yet low enough to allow white metal to get on your nerves.


White Metal predates Black Metal by many years. The first recording took place in Graceland’s basement studio in 1976. During one of Elvis Presley’s fictional drug binges (he was in Cuba at the time secretly working undercover for the CIA) Scotty Walker, a guitarist of some repute, began to play faster than normal and babble incoherently. What was initially thought to be a demonic possession turned out to be a godly manifestation of biblical proportions complete with speaking in tongues. The tapes of this event were locked away until Elvis’s eventual death from asthma in 1984. A representative from the estates of both Presley and Walker stated in early 1985 that the recording were “scary as all hell, only not, you know, hellish. Besides, Scotty was batshit crazy so you never knew what was gonna happen when that cat started to play! Elvis heard the tapes and he was scared, man, real scared. It stirred something in him, a real biblical, brimfire and gallstones kind of scared. He knew he needed to get out of music, which was when he faked his own de…”

Lyrical Themes[edit]

In contrast to the usual dark, or Black Metal, white metal is about loving the Big G, and giving full props to his main homeboy J to the hizouse. This has led to the popular belief that white metal does not contain hatred. However, since it is in the form of homophobia and racism rather than satan worship derived from sociopathic tendencies (an ingredient in all black metal), the hatred in white metal is not actually hatred as defined by the industry standard for metal (Fenriz).

Musical Style[edit]

It sounds like Black Metal only… er… hang on… no, that’s about it.

Notable Bands[edit]

There are no notable bands.