Whoopi Goldberg

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Wookie "Whoopi" Goldberg, before her date with Bruce Vilanch.
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Whoopi Goldberg.


~ Worf on Whoopi Goldberg

“She's got no freakin' eyebrows!!”

~ Peter Griffin on Whoopi Goldberg

Whoopi Goldberg, originally Whoopins Goldwin, is an American-born Oompah Loompah actress, inventor, organ-grinder, squid-flusher, Prophet, mother of Chewbacca and one of the many incarnations of Oprah. She is currently known for guest bitching on The View, and also starring as "Donkey" in the 3D motion capture CGI series "Shrek".

the most powerful prophet: Whoopi Goldberg

Thanks in no small part to an ass the size of a loveseat, her chief contribution to human happiness was as Inventor of the Whoopi Cushion, an amusing rubber device which played Beethoven's pastoral symphony when inflated and sat upon.

Whoopi is also a renowned physicist.

She is generally a no-eyebrowed freaky woman who know one really knows anything about or what she does. She just appears in movies and disappears.

The industrial process used to manufacture these cushions, Making Whoopi, played a key role in the birth of the Industrial Revolution.

Japanese people, due to their genetic lack of a sub-tongue ligament, have great difficulty pronouncing her name. It is not unusual to hear attempts such as "Ooo-Pee-God-a-Bear".

Whoopi Goldberg at birth.

In 1984 the British Antarctic Association award Goldberg their prestigious actress of the year award for her performance in Sister Act 2. This is strange as the film was made four years after this date.

On November 13 1987, her birthday, she met and married her husband, Dr. Phil in a swimming pool filled with 100 dollar bills in Oprah, Texas.

Whoopi Goldberg was killed in 1989 by Roseanne Barr, who devoured her entire body on the Oprah Winfrey Show in a fight to the death for Robin Williams' heart.

After her death in 1989 Whoopi Goldberg has developed an unhealthy obsession with milk. Recent cattle mutilations are suspected to be of her doing. It is said that baby formula was invented to prevent new mothers from being attacked by Whoopi Goldberg. Ironically Whoopi Goldberg once went missing as a child and was found only because someone recognized her face from a milk carton.

In 1993, a film was made documenting the events of her life from when she was born, up until her death in 1989. The film was titled A Sister's Final Act, and starred Charlize Theron as Goldberg.

Whoopi also starred as the Predator in all Predator and Alien vs Predator movies in circulation today. Although the character was voiced by Jonathon Taylor Thomas.

In 1995 Whoopi Goldberg came back to life in the form of a snail. The snail Whoopi Goldberg became very successful posing for naked pictures in Playboy Magazine to promote CVS's Back-to-School sale. Though they soon found out she didn't have eyebrows, and fired her.

After two weeks she became a heroin addict on the streets of Concord and ever since she has been selling her body for more heroin to members of the New Hampshire state legislature.

Also in the mid 90's, Whoopi briefly engaged in copulation with Ted Danson, resulting in his current wife having 30 million reasons to leave him. Egged on by Whoopi, Ted went to a Kru Klutz Klam rally in blackface, and was appointed Grand Whizzard. Whoopi left him soon after when she realized he was a vegan, and couldn't eat her rancid jabberwocky. As part of the settlement, she took all of his white sheets, which she sewed into a huge circus tent sized dress for her new lover Roseanne Barr. Roseanne did eat her, but being a ravenous pig, completely consumed Woopi, then ran off with Rosie O'donell.

Recently Whoopi was reincarnated as a deity who sent the devi back to Massachusetts. She is currently being queen of some cannibalistic necrophiliac village somewhere in southern Hell.