Why?:A Very Veggie Christmas
In an alternate dimension exists a world populated by vegetables instead of human beings. Nobody knows how this happened, blame it on M-Theory, or too much Kitten Huffing, but somehow someone thought it would make good stories for children and teach Fundamentalist Christian morals and ethics on children using Child Psychology to trick them into thinking it was just a story. Well one day, it was the day before Christmas, and one of the main characters forgot to take his antidepressants and antipsychotic medication for a week or two. This is a story called "A Very Veggie Christmas" that those Fundamentalist Christians don't want you to read, but they didn't know that the hard drive they threw away could be recovered with the story on it, because they forgot to degauss it and wipe zeros over all the sectors 20 times or so. So now, Uncyclopedia presents "A Very Veggie Christmas"!
Chapter 1, Bob Flips Out
Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber were putting up Christmas decorations when suddenly Bob flips out.
Bob "Yeeeeaaaaaarrrggggghhhh! Kiss my mistletoe! Santa has no pants on, and ate my cookies too early!" Larry "Bob? Are you alright? Want me to pray for you to get better?" Bob "Lemons! I hate Lemons, because they are so Lemony! Pass the gravy, I'll be home late tonight!" Leon Lemon walks up, "Hey Bob, that isn't a very nice thing to say about Lemons."
Bob yells "Stay away from me Satan! I'll give you the what for, you horny grimace!" Then Bob grabs the Christmas tree lights and tries to strangle Leon. Larry attempts to stop Bob, "Bob, snap out of it! Leon is a friend, not the Devil." Bob looked at Larry and said "I see you, Kim Jong Il, you won't be launching any nukes at me!" and lets go of the lights around Leon's neck and jumps at Larry. Larry dodges out of the way and says, "Bob, I think you snapped. Are you off of your medications again?" Bob yelled, "They won't pass Gay Marriage if I have anything to do with it!"
Chapter 2, Archibald Gets Involved
Just then Archibald Asparagus and Junior Asparagus walked by. "Oh dear", said Archibald, "Bob has gone Psychotic again, hasn't he?" Bob looked at them and said, "Ah Dr. Evil and Mini-Me, you won't force me to become an Atheist like you too are!" Archibald sighed, "No Bob, it is I, Archibald Asparagus, and Junior." Bob yelled, "No, you are part of the Evil Atheist Conspiracy to overthrow the US Government and you just rigged the November 2006 elections to give the Democrats control of Congress." Archibald spoke, "I'll try to talk you down, Bob, you aren't making any sense." Bob yelled, "I am a holy culture warrior and all of you are evil!" Archibald replied, "Bob, you are not a holy culture warrior, you are a Tomato and you were trying to put up Christmas lights and decorations, remember?" Bob mumbled, "Yeah yeah, uh" and then his eyes opened up wide and he yelled, "No this is a trick, you are all trying to start a war against Christmas! Bill O'Reilly was right! You you, Secular Progressive Popinjays!" Archibald calmly tried to correct Bob, "There is no war on Christmas, we are all Christians here. You must be hearing voices and seeing things again. Where are your medications?" Bob bellowed, "I strike you down in the name of Christmas" and rammed into Archibald and knocked him into Junior and knocked both of them out.
Chapter 3, Onion Blaster Shows Up
Onion Blaster heard the noise, and said "I smells me a war, what is going on here?" Larry pleaded with Onion, "Please, please Onion Blaster help us out. Bob the Tomato forgot to take his medicine and is trying to fight some war on Christmas that does not exist." Orion roared, "There is only room for one Psychotic Vegetable in this town, I am going to have to take Bob down!" Leon said, "Yes yes please stop him." Onion relied, "Ok, I'll just use my Pirate Ninja skills and kill him, then the whole problem will be solved." Leon spoke, "Uh, Onion, I don't mean to tell you how to do you job or anything, but we want Bob alive, not dead, just help him become sane again." Onion said, "Whatever, Leon you go over to Bob's house and look for his medicine, Larry you stay here and watch over Archibald and Junior and try to wake them up. I'll keep Bob busy."
Chapter 4, Onion Verses Bob
Bob was ready to attack Larry when Onion Blaster stepped in the way. "Let's fight, Bob!" laughed Onion, and Bob looked at him and said, "Al Gore? No! global warming is a scam and I'll prove it by quoting the bible!" Onion spoke, "Not today, Bob, today is a bad day for you." Bob said, "Oh? Oh yeah? Well what are you going to do Al? Ask for another recount? Talk about Peak Oil? Make another fictional movie and try to pass it off as the truth?" Onion smiled and said, "Bob, this is going to hurt you a whole lot more than it will hurt me. In fact, I won't even feel a thing." Bob snickered, "I won't let you get away with it, Al, all of the lies stop here. Liberalism is a disease and I'm the cure!" Onion smiled and said, "Let's rock!" Bob jumped at Onion, but Onion dodged and grabbed Bob and threw him into the nearby lawn of grass. "I don't know how you did that Al, but it won't happen again!" and Bob charged at Onion again. Onion bumped Bob on the head as he moved out of the way. Bob spoke, "Al you got lucky again! That was a good hit, but I am one tough tomato!"
Chapter 5, Leon Returns and Bob Takes His Medicine
Onion was ready for another attack by Bob, just then Leon returned with a few pills for Bob. Leon "Onion, I got the antidepressants and antipsychotic medication, plus some Valium." and Onion took the pills. Bob said, "Illicit drugs? You are not going to force me to take them!" and charged at Onion again. Onion reached out and grabbed Bob by the head, and forced open his mouth and then threw the pills in. "Mrrrhhhhfffff" mumbled Bob, as Onion forced his mouth shut and pinched his nose, so he would be forced to swallow the pills. "Leon, help me hold him until he calms down." Leon grabs Bob. Archibald and Junior woke up, and Larry went to help hold down Bob. Bob yelled, "Lemme go you Commies! Wait until I tell Jesus on you! You won't get away with this!" Fifteen minutes later, Bob stopped his ranting and raving. "Uh, wha, huh, what happened?" muttered Bob. Larry said, "Welcome back Bob, you were acting like some zealous crazed religious whack job like Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell, lucky for us Onion came by and was able to fight you and help us hold you down to take your medicine so you would be sane again." Bob was shocked, "I am really sorry guys. I guess I just forgot to take my medicine. Thank you Onion, for not killing me, like Pirate Ninjas usually do." Onion smiled and said, "Ah Bob, I know you'd do the same for me in the same situation, now let us decorate the tree and string up lights."
- Left Behind
- American Fundie Magazine
- Lions Club
- Reasons not to be a devout Christian
- Reasons to become an atheist
- His dark materials