Why?:King N00bert

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
From UnBooks, the content-free textbook collection
Uncyclopedia n00bs
Other n00bs

And so..the Noob king was born[edit]


Long, long, long ago, in a faraway land of a magical world, filled with peril, war, and tyranny, there lived a figure of infernal mind, a conqueror of flourishing lands, and a martyr to the Gods of Order. There lived...King N00BERT!!

C|-|4P73R 1, the land of pwnage[edit]

High hills stretched for miles across a lush green land covered in short grass. Governing overhead was a bright blue sky, with clouds few yet lavishly white, and a warm sun gazing across the world beneath with shimmering rays. This whole sight of tranquility and beauty was to be particularly found in the lands of the North-East, residing in a solitary state of existence; for few were ever to roam the seemingly endless hills, be they stranger to the territory. It was a region strangely distanced from the rest of the world. A largely known about continent, yet one that few people would want to enter in the first place; for not everything in this land was as peaceful as it looked...

C|-|4P73R 2, The King himself[edit]

The n00b King in all his glory.

A nation of malignity controlled the vast lands charted only by their diabolical inhabitants. No morality or virtue was dormant in this country of sin and mischief. All that existed were residents antagonistic to the ways of the apparent good that rested in the outside world. Locals of pollution to those not sharing their malevolence. They were enemies of the decent people, warriors of the darkness, and all serving and under the control of a ruthless king. Infamous, and feared by the pacifistic. A martinet known only as King N00bert. King N00bert was a vanquishing leader hell-bent on world domination; a merciless figure without justice seeking only a bloody triumph. If he wasn't feared by those disloyal to him and not a part of his kingdom, he was labeled by them an oppressor, and a prime target to get rid of. Even by other forces of darkness, King N00bert received prices on his head; for quite frankly, the destroyer of peace was simply too evil for his own...evil.

C|-|4P73R 3, the peadophile and the bastard[edit]

If he was not harassing the gentle public on the outside of his dangerous land, then he was posing as a problem to other corrupt organizations. Ones that were swiftly getting put out of their own businesses due to the king's acts. One of King N00bert's many policies (whether they were agreed to or not) was that no competition would be allowed by him. If you were not with him, you were against him. Unfortunate for those not loyal to the king, because death was handed over to them in a bloody cauldron. On another matter, for those whom betrayed the callous king, they were given much worse rewards for their treachery than the limits death had. Indeed, far worse things could be delivered by the king than even getting blasted to oblivion.

C|-|4P73R 4, the the city of evil pwnage zOMG LTP[edit]

His kingdom resided over the whole of the hilly lands, of course. Yet, while the majority of the country consisted of such a terrain, and fields of grassy plains, it was also made up of mountainous regions, bodies of water, and lush forests. Cities were few, despite the prosperous state of the country. While towns, villages, and other habitats were spread out or close by to each other, there were little of them. Instead, the main life existed within the capital of the land. On the largest hill in a land of hills, the capital city of the country remained. It was populated by thousands, and well defended by fortified walls and fortresses. For now, or perhaps forever, the city's foundation was made up mostly of wood. Even the main building of the city, the citadel in the middle, was built upon this material. Yet the wood was thick, especially for this dominative building. Walls were built all around the city, and were vast in height, yet not colossal. In front of the citadel rested many buildings and houses, making up the rest of the city. Decorative statues were placed around, as well as wells and mosques. One statue in particular was of the great and notorious King N00bert, located in front of his citadel.

C|-|4P73R 5, the pwnage begins[edit]

It was midday, warm and sunny, when the hooves of horses sped across the grass just outside of the main city gates, slowing down to a moderate pace as the gatemen recognized the riders as friends and opened the large and sturdy gate. There were twenty riders in all, and the great stallions they rode upon, as well as their armor and sheathed weapons gave away that they were soldiers of the country's army. The fact that two of the men rode with banners also revealed this fact. Red banners, they were, and extravagant in make. It was the common banner representing the country's code, which consisted of a dual-head triangular flag blooming in the wind on a wooden pole, with a thin, long band swaying in the wind even more below it. The flag contained black writing on both sides, yet writing that was presented as rare and crude language; the language of the country.

C|-|4P73R 6, the messenger returns......not pwned :O zOMG wat a pro he must use haxx[edit]

The gates were closed again as the twenty riders trekked into the city and rode further up the shallow top of the hill, towards the stables located aside from the citadel. Eyes peered down from a window up high in one of the citadel's floors, watching as the riders entered the barracks before the man whose eyes belonged to turned away from the window and stopped to ponder. The riders were his messengers. Scouts of the plains beyond. He had hoped they would bring substantial information after resting up. The man had turned around from the window to face down a long wooden table in a big, rectangular room, standing with his hands behind his back. His black hair was combed back, making it slightly puffy due to the length. Eyes were blue, and sharp to the pupil; ever wary of all surroundings. For a man of his experience, one must always be careful. It was fairly obvious that the person was of distinct position in the nation, for his clothes were rich, and posture giving off a sense of quality in leadership, and superiority. A long, dark red cape hung down to the backs of his ankles, with brown boots covering his feet, and black trousers being tucked into them. A black long-sleeved shirt occupied his torso, with the bottom tucked into his trousers; a brown belt with a shiny golden buckled fastened around the waist.

C|-|4P73R 7, the haxxx of the world, in a ring like form....wat a epic item[edit]

Hanging across his collarbone and just below, yet hidden on his back by his cape, was an orange scarf-like item. Running under it in a crisscross manner were brown leather straps, each intersecting at his solar plexus, upon which a golden square rested; engraved with thin, black writing. The straps ran down to connect to his belt. A man of tall height, and decently built in muscle, had the smell of a warrior definite to be picked off from him. A brown sheath lay at his left hip, with a dark silver hilt of a longsword protruding out from the top. The man was adorned no doubt, yet any jewelry worn by him was limited. Nevertheless, for what the man's jewelry just was, the amount of it was fine as it is. A purple gem was etched into a gold ring embellishing the man's right ring finger, with a plain gold ring on his left ring finger. On his left index finger, a silver ring rested, topped with a green gem etched into it also. Last but not least, of his luxurious rings, was the one on his left middle finger, which was a strange mixture of many colors. The very ring was even feared by a good handful of people, for said was it that it granted the wearer of dark powers.

To the meeting room...[edit]

The meeting room was silent for the moment, yet not stripped of life. Even if no breath was being made, the room was posh with furniture and decoration; carpets, statues, vases, and many ornaments, as well as head-trophies of animals lining the walls. One wall contained a large map of a certain portion of the world, with a rack of other maps rolled up; a bookcase aside from it. Thirty people, give or take, currently occupied the room. Only one of them was standing up, and he was the same one to have departed from the view outside. The one with all motionless eyes trained on him. It took a moment for his eyes to lift off from the maroon carpet below, but he finally did so, only to take a pausing stare from counselor to counselor, officer to officer. Sitting around the long table was a mixture of consultants and important members to the king's executive staff. The king had called a meeting of matters to be attended to as soon as possible. Unfortunately, the majority of the matters were ones most disfavored by his majesty. The men and women around the table could have celebrated as their keen, impatient eyes registered to the motion of the king's chest rising up; voice shooting through his throat with lightning speed to release words that would finally get this meeting underway.

"ok wE must discus owr mattars"

Drebornen, the king's chief advisor who sat at his respectable place to the right of the king's seat at the head of the table, shuffled through a small pile of papers before folding his hands and giving attention to the king.

"ye wel we got nubz hu r dstroyen oru land 2 the west 2 TEH WEST"

The king gave a brief nod, fingers absentmindedly grazing across the smooth oak table; he still standing behind his chair, and one hand kept behind his back.

"OMG tohse suXx0rz!11 thye mus dye k"

Drebornen slid the paper aside after browsing down it, finding information about a problem with taxes. If there was one thing he knew about King N00bert, it was that he would slit the throat of the fool to bring up taxes at the early beginning of a meeting.

"i no k well we als0 hav pr0blim wit kriminulz they sukc"
"O I C let juss kikc tehm in the nutz n shuv pen0r donw the throte lo l"

The chief advisor clutched his stomach and fell back in his chair, roaring with laughter from the king's diabolic statement.


At the moment, a random man opened the double-door entrance to the meeting room and stepped inside. King N00bert aimlessly budged one of his rings back and forth with his thumb as he put on an angered expression at the new, uninvited guest.

"k hoo r u scUM bag"

The man smiled peacefully at the king, then left the room. In the midst of the meeting, one man near the back of the table was rather stiff and stern with the king at present, however. He slammed his fist on the table to attract the wanted attention.

"ok ok ko u relly sukc n im like btrayin u kk U SUKC" *shakes fist*

The general of the army regulars, sitting to the left of the king, narrowed his eyes at the traitor down the table.

General: "omg stfu n wot d0 u mean//?/"
Traitor: "I AM NOY MEAN!11!!!1!R"
General: "imao u r such nOOb"
Traitor: :(
General: "opps"

Annoyed by the "flaming" idiocy now uplifting the demonic spirits in his own meeting room, King N00bert gave an angry glare to both of the oppressors.

"OK STFU n0w bak 2 topice i tihnk w3 shud kil tehm stinky pigs ON MI DANR STR33T!11" *files nails*
Random Counselor: "ya hahahahahahA I agree" *dies*
Everyone: :( ?

The traitor tormented the staff yet again, rising from his seat and pounding his fists on the table. It was an act of war. He wanted battle!!

"ok King Noobert-"
Everyone: "N00bert*"
Traitor: "STFU"
Everyone: :O
Traitor: "u wil dye bi my blaed u stoppid bi. you are on your way to destruction"

This was preposterous!! Outraged by the infidel's dare to challenge him, King N00bert stepped away from the table to face where his treacherous foe stood in his line of path. The king drew his sword out with both hands, both men having their swords out in front of them. King N00bert glared at his opponent.

"you have no chance to survive make your time"

The king then, with little if any need at all, grabbed a nearby rope, fastened it to the chandelier overhead, and swung his way forward towards the traitor, as if he was swinging over a pitfall. He landed three feet in front of the now bewildered enemy, and a one-minute pause of emptiness fell before the two, with the king staring his foe down.

"i wil1 slotr u"

Suddenly, the traitor jumped backwards into the wall not far behind, and crashed to the ground. To judge what had happened, the assumption could be made that the lad had thought that the king had knocked him to the wall, and was not aware of the fact that he did no such thing.

"dam ur god"

The king wasted not a moment, and took the idiot's advantage, leaping toward him to thrust his blade into his chest. The attack was successful, and the traitor died in a weeping instant.

King N00bert: "hah ah ah ha aha h ah ha tahtz wot i thot n00b HAHAH!!1!2123ZLOLZIERZ!!1"
Traitor: ...

Thus was it that King N00bert had returned to his end of the meeting table, bloody sword finding its home back in the sheath. A time of long talk and discussion followed here after, with the now definitely dead traitor soon to be attended to by lowly-paid maids.

Traitor: "u mai hav won the battul but u losst the war"
Everyone: ???

All your base are belong to us.