Why Visit the Philippines

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Republic of the Philippines
Sunandmoon philflag.jpg Newhero6qpdt5.jpg
(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
National Anthem : My Country the Philippines (the Yoyoy Villame rendition)
Capital Smokey Mountain Manila
Largest City Payatas Dumpsite Quezon City
Population 1.5 billion, and counting
69% Gay (Fags & Butches), 18% Bisexual/Bi-Curious, 10% Korean, 2% Metrosexual , 0.75% Female, 0.25% Male
Government Bayad Muna Bago Baba
Fuehrer Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Independence What independence?
National Hero Manny Pacquiao, Raganciano Kapitapitagan Junior
National Languages La Salle Taft Coñospeak, Salitang-kalye, Squatter, Tadbaliks, Gay Lingo Chuva Chenes
Currency Galunggong Tuyo
Religions Roman Catholicism, Islam, Ang Dating Daan, Iglesia ni Cristo, El Shaddai, Evangelican Christianity, Pacquiaoism, Wowowee-ism
University with the Lowest IQ De La Salle University Manila
Official Videogame Istarkrapt, Kawnter-Strayk, Ragnarock, DOTA, Hap Layp,
Official Boy Bands Cueshe, Hale, Chicosci, 6 Cycle Mind
Gay Icons Sam Milby, Piolo Pascual, Boy Abunda, Kris Aquino, Paco Arespacochaga, Rey Pumaloy, Mama Monchang, and the list goes on...
Retardedest Province Sulu - the decapitation capital of the world (thanks to our export-quality Muslim terrorist forces in Mindanao)
Famous Bars Planet Cubao Jakol Club, Kantutan sa kalye KTV and bar, Bangbang-Ali, Lanai, Tiririt, Stealing Heaven, Air Force 1, Chicos, MACHO-POP
Best Rip-off of the Year Captain Barbell, MariMar, Pokémon, Kokey, Hamtaro, Sailor Moon & Mga Mata Ni Anghelita

The Philippines is the nation found on the other side of the world. It's that one that isn't China, Japan or Korea. Or Malaysia or Thailand or Singapore. who knows?

Economy[edit]

The Philippines' main exports are basically anything exported by Japan, China or any other Asian country with an alphabet so complicated that no average white or black shit could even begin to understand. They also export tapes of their natural and national disasters to CNN, but CNN usually only gives a shit for a day.

The Philippine Currency

To help combat the nation's widespread poverty, the Philippines has implemented its own shitty welfare system called ABS-CBN. Outreach programs like "Wowowee" and "Kapamilya Deal or No Deal" give local Filipino citizens and TFC subscribers hopes of fortune and 15 seconds of shout-out fame to keep their minds off the fact that there is virtually no food on their table.

Earlier this century, the Philippines attempted to make itself stand out from the other Asian countries by emphasizing comfort service (sex trade); however, their attempts proved to be futile. Thailand proved to have the better sex trade since their transgendered hookers do that ping-pong ball trick.

Geography[edit]

A so-called "People Power" protester being PWNED by GMA's Imperial Destroyer during the 12,447th EDSA Revolt. LOLZ!

The Philippines is a group of islands along the Pacific Ring of Fire. By the time of this writing, it is in the midst of being swallowed by the wrath of Hell because its population is just downright stupid to vote for officials and then complain their asses off when said officials don't do their their job. Eventually, the world wholeheartedly expects the Philippines to become a place similar to Atlantis II - entirely underwater!

During the campaign period of the 2000 US elections, George W. Bush is said to have promised to launch an atomic bomb into Antarctica in an attempt to raise water levels (finally something positive on his record!). This will eventually end the Filipino diaspora, and the citizens of the U.S. will finally get a hold of their old jobs taken away from them by Filipinos, such as driving cabs, picking fruits, collecting garbage, flipping burgers, working at Costco or Target etc.

The Philippines is also known for its vast gorgeous beaches where beautiful Filipino women await foreign military personnel for some "sexy time." Many of them wear shirts that say "Who's your Daddy?" to entice their would-be partners.

Whenever the EDSA volcano erupts, the event is called People Pawis. There have been two major eruptions and countless minor eruptions since 1986. Pyroclastic flows, lava, and of course people flow from these eruptions inexorably find their way to Malacañan Palace where water cannons and armed military guards hold them at bay. They end up disheartened and hopeless and complain their sorry asses to ABS-CBN or GMA the following day.


Government[edit]

The Philippine government can be defined as the most deviant of all government systems around the world. Getting yourself involved in the government means that you need money, guns, artillery and a bad-ass militia. The country was once run by a very good and famous queen for 20 years: Her Royal Highness Imelda Marcos and her husband-of-convenience Ferdinand. Just before the end of of the conjugal monarchy, the general population became infected with a rare strain of virus that makes a person stupid. They brought down the 20-year Marcos empire and brought forth a New Republic ruled by another Queen who basically had the same idea as Imelda.

It was like the Star Wars Trilogy, the only difference is that Corazon Aquino had an IQ lower than that of an autistic kid - she can speak fluent French though. The masses were so disappointed because the new queen was not a Jedi and had no lightsaber. To appease the masses, the President of the New Republic changed all the names of the roads and the airport. Her triumph was short-lived because the majority of the motorists got lost and were not able to report for work for one year, causing the stock market crash of 1986. "Damn, where the fuck is Buendia? I've been going around in circles in Gil Puyat Ave. and still can't find Buendia nigga!", said one black motorist.

The greatest aviation tragedy also happened during her reign. The planes kept circling 'til they ran out of fuel and crashed because the Manila International Airport wasn't there. "It's like the fuckin' Bermuda Triangle, bitch!", said one brutha survivor. It turned out that she changed the name of the airport to Ninoy Aquino International Airport in honor of her worthless, good-for-nothing Communist husband as soon as she sat her ass in the palace throne for the very first time.

Aside from the name change fiasco, her other accomplishments were putting her husband's sorry ass in the 500 peso bill and spawning an evil daughter who singlehandedly caused the downfall of the feminist movement by being a filthy whore, and the slow death of the Philippine Entertainment Industry. Her daughter also caused the deaths of countless professional basketball players and actors by infecting them with an unknown and illegal type of sexually transmitted disease.

After this, the masses progressed from just plain stupid to retards. After the French-speaking president with a vagina for a brain, they elected a disgruntled cigar loving ex-general with a penis size issue, an ex-actor who can't control his penis and fucked the majority of the hotties in the country, and lastly a midget.

As of the moment, the government is still in the shithole and the incumbent president is still a midget.

The primary task of the Philippine Government is the fixing of roads and highways - actually this is the only thing that the government does especially just before election. They fix roads even if they're as smooth as a baby's ass just to give the voters the impression that they do something really important. Given that all Filipino voters are stupid, they let the incumbents win in their reelection bid.

Branches of the Philippine Government[edit]

The Philippine Government has 3 branches:

  • The Entertainment/Movie Industry
  • The Media
  • The Squatters

The Entertainment/Movie Industry is run by actors and actresses. They are the ones that actually run the government and create policies while the actual politicians provide the entertainment. The only branch of the government that was not contaminated by the entertainment industry is the now defunct Judicial System. The Judicial System was the only branch of the government that actually requires you to work your ass off for 10 years in getting a degree, and most importantly it requires the use of your brain. However, Justice Hilario Davide crossed over to the dark side of the entertainment industry when he sworn in Gloria Macapagal Arroyo during the 9957th People Pawis revolution. As a result, the Judicial System was abolished. This launched him to Superstardom in the movie industry and debuted in Regal Films' blockbuster hit "Anak Gumising Ka Matutulog Na Tayo". The sequel "Halika Dito Wag Kang Lalapit" was not as successful because it was not a gay movie.

The next branch is the Media. They are powerful because of their exposes and shit. Of course they only do their exposes if the corrupt politicians involved refuse to pay them. The most powerful person in this group is Ben Tulfo - host of the TV sitcom "Eat Bulaga". However, the politicians became aware of his show and his blitzkrieg tactics in his exposes and was able to outwit him in his own game. Ben Tulfo,Danielle Mendoza being the genius that he is, devised a brilliant countermeasure by changing the name of his show to "Bitag: X-treme" - it was a huge victory for Ben Tulfo thus earning him the title of Genghis Khan.

Ben Tulfo by the way is the son of Mama Monchang and Rey Pumaloy. His show "Bitag" and "Bitag: X-treme" won several awards including the coveted "Best Comedy Show" in the KBP (Kiking Bagong Pakinis) Music Awards.

Last but not the least, the Squatters. The squatters are a force to be reckoned with because they are dirt poor. They are so powerful that they are able to acquire lands from honest, tax-paying middle-class citizens of the country for free; and get away with it by simply invoking their right to be dirt poor. The squatters are the most protected group in the government - they are being protected by the media, politicians, and the movie industry whenever the middle class sue their ass for taking their property. They even make movies about it and portray the owner of the property as a heartless villain. In effect, they own 90% of the land in the country. They are also the highest income generating group because of drug pushing (the majority of the drug pushers are in their area) and gambling.

History[edit]

Philippines, My Descendants, bow to me!!!

The history of the Philippines began when Magellan lost in a Kung-Fu match with Chong-Li. The owner of the United Nations of España (Dr. Phil) banished his sorry ass from his homeland. However, Dr Phil stated that Magellan can only return to his fly-ass crib if he discovered another country for him, or make him a bad-ass old school rap album. Since Magellan can't rap, he decided to find a country for da owner. Dr. Phil announced this on the Oprah Winfrey show.

The United Nations of España ruled over the Philippines for 300 years. The Filipinos did not resist this because they were punkass bitches and made themselves hoes of the descendants of Dr. Phil. At the turn of the 20th Century, the Mighty Morphin' Americans conquered the Philippines. The Filipinos gladly welcomed their Big White Brothers hoping that under American rule, there would finally be snow in the Philippines and they can petition themselves to be U.S citizens. Not realizing the promise of snow and citizenship, the Filipinos were forever restless under the Americans.

The Philippines was annexed by Japan as a Japanese province in World War II and made this shit-ass country their bitch. The Filipino populace were being controlled by hypnotic Anime and are being used as slave laborers, nannies, and sex slaves by their Japanese masters. During this time, the Filipinos showed their courage and fought the Japanese simply because they think American products are better than Japanese ones - and they think that Americans have longer schlongs than the Japs. Unfortunately, the Japanese got bored and left the Filipinos to fend for themselves. After 50 years, this point of view changed and the blonde haired bitches of the Philippines now want to go to Japan to get a blue card and shit and become hoes for the Japs.

After the Japanese occupation, The Philippines was once again the bitch of the United States.

In the 60s, the excessive use of LSD and Marijuana led the high society of the Philippines to elect a delusional man named Marcos and his wife, a "former" beauty queen named Imelda, into power. Big mistake! The couple stole all of Yamashita's gold and bought a gazillion pair of shoes. Later, in 1986, Filipinos came out of their crack induced high and sobered out their asses. They realized that the Marcoses had bled their pot money dry and they were out of munchies. The Filipinos were pissed, so they exiled the Marcoses to a much better place, a paradise country named Hawaii.

In the 1998 presidential elections, a movie star with no political experience won the presidency. He once starred in countless action films. Did I mention he had no political experience and was a movie star? Thankfully he got screwed by the "dwarf."

Recently, a brave Australian named Brian Gorrell exposed those buttfuck cokesnorting coños in our society. Due to the recent events that has fucked up the high society, the Philippines will enter a state of collapse, which will end on June 30, 2010. By that time, either an assfuck prick (A true Manila boy, not from the Western Visayas as he claims. Also, his ho "girlfriend" is a broadcast journalist) or a landgrabbing bastard who brags about hard work and persistence and shit will indefinitely ruin our country.

People[edit]

Main Article: Filipino

Language[edit]

See also: Philippines/Language, Philippines/useful phrases and some other weird shit

The Filipinos speak something like an obscure form of Esperanto,only more confusing. It is like a cross between badly spelled Spanish and gibberish. Like Aba! Bababa ba ang baba ng bumababang babae? and other weird, almost unpronunciable shit.

The second most spoken language in the Philippines is Taglish, a cross between Tagalog and English. You couldn't FUCKING understand a thing except for the English words!

Oddly enough, despite the difficulty in pronouncing English syllables, Filipinos insist on anglicizing words that are Spanish in origin. Hence, names such as Padilla (pa-DEEL-ya ... or the more correct pa-DEE-ya), Sevilla (se-VEEL-ya / se-VEE-ya) or Revilla (re-VEEL-ya / re-VEE-ya) end up being pronounced as puh-DILL-yuh, suh-VILL-yuh and ruh-VILL-yuh. Actually, only the coños and Filipinos affecting American accents make this mistake in pronunciation.

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Why Visit the Philippines.
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Because of their so-called intelligence, the so-called experts at Wikipedia will never have a proper article about Why Visit the Philippines. We are sorry for their blatant retardedness.

Also, Filipinos have gazillions of other languages, dialects, and sub-dialects. One other popular language is called Ilocano. Ilocano is a Germanic like Filipino language where they make up new words by combining a whole bunch of words into one. Broken down, its name is actually a mix of English and Spanish "I loca, no?" which means "I crazy, yes?"

Although Filipinos are naturally hospitable and like to speak to Foreigners or Tourists, the latter must watch out for possible misunderstandings. A famous tourist spot, Fort Santiago, in Metro Manila, is pronounced as "Poh-chan-chah-goh" by 99% of the Manilans.

If you see Filipino males holding hands in the busy streets of Metro Manila, be aware that this is common practice among Filipino males who are not necessarily gay. The real reason for holding hands is that these males come from the rural areas, usually the Visayas and Mindanao islands. They hold hands so that they do not lose one another in the big city which speaks a language they might not be able to speak themselves. Metro Manila is known for rampant corruption that even the police usually do not bother giving directions to provincial people who cannot fatten their wallets.

Tourists who are diabetic must be aware that they would only be understood by Filipinos if they tell them they have "Jah-BEH-tess". A word or warning: For any medical emergencies regarding your diabetic condition, correctly pronouncing diabetes will only hasten your death.

See Also[edit]