Will. I .Am

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TPac, then MJ. Will I be the next to succumb to Will. I. Am?

“Who?”

Will. I. Am is a little understood but well spread parasitic disease affecting many modern musical performers. It is so contagious that its victims are quarantined and labelled accordingly so as those unafflicted can avoid contracting this hideous condition.

The label consists of the suffix "feat. Will.I.Am" after the performers name in order to identify infected songs.

Many famous and previously musically capable performers have contracted this illness and, once afflicted, the stigma of this awful and debilitating condition is hard to shift. Susceptibility to this condition is mostly found in performers who are often lacking in creative talent themselves and have a need for increased record sales.

Despite concerted efforts by the medical community, the centre for disease control and Prince cases are regrettably on the rise and the condition seems to be spreading.

Common Symptoms[edit]

Symptoms can include:

  • Overt and Excessive use of vocoder and autotune software.
  • References to technology and the internet that sound like your dad trying to be "cool" in affected songs.
  • Unnecessary "We are from the future" themed promotional videos.
  • General all round unmusicality.
  • Really, really shit songs.
  • Contrived, clunky and often nonsensical lyrics.
  • The loss of all respect from anyone with a musical ear.
  • Itchy, irritating rash.

Often accompanying these symptoms is the appearance of a short man of African descent in the affected musicians videos dressed like he got kicked out of the 80s.

Medical experts are warning of possible mutations in the condition in which it is feared the appearance of the more serious condition amd sympton set "Dutchessa fergitis" in which recordings would be accompanied by a 30 something, strange looking, tone deaf tart dressed like a teenager from a council estate or similar trailer park.

Treatment and prognosis[edit]

Umm...

The medical community are unhappy with their inabilty to stop the spread of this condition and the head of the British Medical Association was quoted as saying:

Cquote1.png We are greatly concerned by the spread of Will. I. Am, up until recently cases were confined to pop slags and mostly talentless urbane artists nearing the end of their careers... but... with the recent high profile case of musical luminary and sex pest Mick Jagger and the near destruction of his legacy and credibility in a single recent episode we are greatly concerned. Cquote2.png

This, coupled with the infection taking hold of an entire television show and with Tom Jones showing symptoms it may only be a matter of time before the disease mutates into the greatly feared "Dutchessa Fergitis" (or swine flu strain h5 2000'n'late) and it may destroy music as we know it entirely."

Once contracted - the disease tears through the artists credibility and taints their career forever.

Unfortunately there is no known complete cure, although some successes seem to have been achieved in rehabilitation of the condition by locking the patient in a room and playing them a combination of their work prior to the onset of Will. I. Am coupled with various 70s prog rock concept albums. Although this therapy seems to be successful there was a recorded incident of back catalogues becoming infected and the subsequent fatal case of the pink floyd classic "wish you were here".

Despite the death of this once great song it spurned the Floyd guitarist dave gilmour, being so distressed at its demise, to be moved to form a support network to help infected artists. In a recent interview Mr Gilmour stated from his island:

Cquote1.png ...even if the whole dark side of the moon album has to be sacrificed in order to halt the spread of this thing then so be it...Will.I.Am MUST be stopped at any cost or there is a chance he may actually destroy music in its entirety... Cquote2.png

and

Cquote1.png ...Thank god they got rid of top of the pops! in an environment like that this thing would have spread faster than it is now- as it is we are almost dealing with a new case every week, god knows what might have happened if we had incubated the thing in an environment like that... Cquote2.png

Work is also progressing on a vaccine to halt new cases but little hope is held for this unless various exotic substances (such as Jimi Hendrix bandana sweat residue and Jim Morrisons bathwater) can be found and synthesised correctly.

See also[edit]