Will Self

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Will Self displaying his heavily clichéd study, complete with stupid post-it notes

Will Dragonforce Self (b.'61 baby) is an award winning writer, motivational speaker and horned God. Most people claim to have heard of him because of his many books, but they are lying since everyone first came to know him through his brief stint as team captain on BBC comedy quiz show Shooting Stars.

Known for his happy-go-lucky persona, Self has been subject to criticism for taking life too lightly. In 2004 he was voted Most Annoyingly Upbeat Person of the Year.


Self was born in Middleclasshire, England in a lovely suburban semi detatched. Self immediately snapped the silver spoon feeding him and became an alcoholic at the age of four. He continued to abuse drugs and alcohol throughout his teens but still managed to get into Cambridge University because he was reading an unhealthy number of books. Self studied Philosophy because he was too lazy to do English Literature like the real men. After graduating Cambridge, Self was without a job and so he enlisted the help of notorious serial killer Fred West. West found Self a job in quality foodstores such as Kwik Save and Safeways.] While stacking shelves and dealing with the mentally ill who shopped there, Self quickly found himself writing prolifically. His first book was published within a year and he left the service industry trade forever.

Shooting Stars[edit]

Self replaced cheeky cockney conman Mark Lamarr on BBC comedy quiz show Shoothing Stars. Will portrayed a sideburned dry intellectual type who smoked a cigar. Critics who knew the real Self were dazzled by this performance, earning Self the nickname Will Not-him-Self.


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Will Self.

Self favours high realism, and condemns the work of high fantasy, paradox and even satire as being irrelevant and pathetic. Most of his books deal with highly relatable situations and plots. Amongst his most famous books are:

  • Cock and Bull (1992) — the stories of a normal man and a woman who develop sexual organs of the opposite sex in a highly realistic way.
  • Great Apes (1997) — a man wakes up in a perfectly plausible world where chimpanzees evolved to be the species with self-awareness, while humans are the equivalent of chimps in our world.
  • How the Dead Live (2000) — an old lady dies (that's normal), only to be moved to a London suburb where the dead have taken residence.
  • The Book of Dave (2006) — Set between 1987 and 2003, against a backdrop of Fathers for Justice protests, it is the story of a London cab driver who suffers a mental breakdown due to failed relationships, estrangement from his son and an obsession with The Knowledge (happens to us all). He writes a book of rantings which he buries, that is discovered 500 years later and used as the sacred text for a religion that has taken hold in the flooded remnants of London.


While making an appearance on popular BBC panel show Have I Got News for You, Will Self made a horned God gesture when his name was announced. This led to suspicion that Self was a Freemason and therefore intent on taking over the world. This was overlooked when it was discovered that Self was Jewish, and therefore already had taken over the world. Self denies the horned God explanation and insists he was imitating a slug.