Will work for food
“Will work for sex”
“Just don't offer to sing”
Far from being the last resort of the destitute and de-institutionalized, the Will Work For Food process is gaining as one of the top reasons people work today! Men and women from corporate America, their pension funds looted and their real estate assets overvalued, are finding creative, exciting new ways to put food on the table--or whatever's left to put it on!
- Necessary Equipment
- Catchy sign: Do this early on in your career. Borderline starvation will decrease your ability to come up with a snappy message for passersby and/or johns. No one likes a hackneyed plea for help.
- iPod: You are going to be doing a lot of waiting, so rock out to some tunes until the laborers' van rolls up.
- Voter registration card: Your vote is your voice! Use it!
- Good Locations
- Farm country: Worse comes to worst, risking buckshot and guard-dog bites is worth slipping into the fields for some free...what is this stuff...soybeans?...oh, fuck me!
- Street corners: Cities may be violent, polluted, heartless, and congested, but at least there's a Starbucks every other corner. Why work for Sanka when you can work for a double-half-caff mochacchino?
- Crawford, Texas: The president practically lives there. He'll have to do something for you once he sees how bad off you are. It's, like, totally his job. Remember to mark off 'Republican' on your voter registration card with a pencil when you see him. You can erase it later.
Things to Know When Working for Food
- Real food only. Avoid white dog poo, plastic, and McDonald's.
- If someone from a deposed African royal family offers you 2,000,000 apples for a small international produce transfer fee of 5,000 apples and access to your apple account, that's a pretty damn good deal. Get those apples, hustler!
- You are working for food, not as food.
- Stop staying "I'm working for peanuts" like it's a bad thing. There's a lot of protein in those little bastards.
Famous People Who Worked For Food
- Prior to a life in public service, Dick Cheney was a subsistence farmer in the Mojave Desert, growing barely enough millet, yam, and petroleum to feed his dozen younger sisters.
- Joan of Arc just wanted a samitch.
- Before hitting it big with the Austrian Pick 5, Albert Einstein worked in the schnitzel fields of East Vienna.
Other Reasons People Work Besides Food
- Hypnotic suggestion
- Got lost in office building, can't find exit
- Fucking with coworkers
- Fucking coworkers
Enjoyment of job
- Bills, Bill's kids, Bill's wife, Bill's house, Bill's car, etc.