William Henry Harrison
“Oh my Good, I just hate Colonels because I'm William Henry Harrison!”
“Oh my God, I just noticed there's a catchphrase for me, William Henry Harrison!”
|William Henry Harrison|
|Date of birth||February 9, 1773|
|Place of birth||Valencia, Spain|
|Date of death||Undead|
|Place of death||Washington D.C.|
|First Lady||A prostitute he found on 9th Street|
|Vice President||John Tyler, the Usurper|
|Prime Minister||Ran in 1965 election|
|Term of office||March 4, 1841–April 4, 1841|
|Preceded by||Martin Van Buren|
|Succeeded by||John Tyler, the Usurper|
|Political party||Originally a Whig Now a supporter of the Undead League of North America|
William Henry Harrison (Born February 9, 1773) is the most notable of the many ninth presidents of the United States of America and for serving the shortest term of any president, but is also notable for owning a five star hotel, being the only president to be overthrown in bloody revolution, and for being the second president to be turned into a zombie, after John Adams.
Early Years and Military Career
Harrison had early years and was in the military.
Harrison was born in Valencia, Spain, he and his family were forced from the country because they were Jewish. As a child in the United States of America, Harrison was an avid reader and liked to do crosswords on Sundays in bed. Originally, his parents had outlined a future for him in Spanish ballet dancing, but he told them he'd really join the military, and after a while they relented.
His father, Ted Harrison used to beat him with a tree branch in order for him to learn the value of a dollar.
In 1791, William Henry Harrison joined the United States Army. Harrison never actually took part in any battles, or even got into a bar fight, but he did watch many of his comrades die in battle as he sat in the superior officers' tent and chatted with generals in what would be called sucking up, today.
Because he was a sniveling little twerp, Harrison soon became a general. This fit his personality since he had viewed himself as being above every military rank except general since he was 4.
Whig Party Nomination 1840
In 1840, the Whig Party convened for their party's national convention to nominate the opponent to the Democratic candidate. The two front-runners on the Whig ticket were Henry Clay and Winfield Scott. Representatives from each state announced which of the two their state voted for and the one with the most votes would logically be the nominee.
Unfortunately, the vote was tied between the two. Rather than doing rock, paper, scissors, or having an arm wrestling contest, as is standard with party committees today, the proper procedure at the time was to simply vote again.
Since logic wouldn't be discovered until 1919, they did not realize that voting again with nothing changing would inevitably achieve the same result. So, the committee was very much surprised at reaching a tie a second time. Continuing with the standard form, they voted again and again, each time reaching the thrilling result of a tie over and over again.
After a few weeks of doing this every day, except weekends and holidays, a hero soon emerged. During one round of voting, likely to achieve similar results as the previous hundreds of rounds, a representative decided to change his vote, and when asked, he said, "Harrison!"
Harrison was not running for president; in fact he wasn't even a representative. He had just come to enjoy the proceedings. And so, when voted for, his response was, "WHAT!? ME!?" Yes, it was him. Regardless of the change in direction for the one representative, Clay and Scott's votes were still too close to call, and so the convention proceeded as it had been going for so long now.
The one representative, now considered quite funny and popular by the other representatives as well as Harrison, continued his vain, steadfast support for the future president. After many more rounds, a few weeks, and many gallons of scotch, another representative also switched his views. He said, "Hey! That's pretty funny, I believe Harrison should be president too!" And thus, he switched his vote to Harrison. Now, Harrison had two votes. Nonetheless, it was still too close to call, and the convention continued.
A few weeks later, a third representative changed to Harrison, then a fourth soon after that. About a month later, Harrison was in the running quite strongly despite never showing any interest in being president that year. The original representative who had voted for him mentioned feeling quite proud of himself, saying, "Oh my God, I just popularized William Henry Harrison."
A few months later, most of the Whig representatives had changed their votes to Harrison. Harrison was to be the Whig nominee after the most passive campaign in the history of the United States. After someone woke him up so they could tell him, he began planning the campaign he never thought about having. When asked, the original representative was even more proud of himself, saying, "Oh my God, I just nominated William Henry Harrison."
1840 Presidential Election
Harrison ran a campaign against incumbent president, Martin van Buren, the inventor of vans. After a run shortened due to the length of the nomination proceedings, he was elected president, causing the original representative to say, "Oh my God, I just elected William Henry Harrison."
On March 4, 1841, he was inaugurated into office. His inauguration address was seemingly a continuation of his campaign. He spoke for 33 hours straight about the change he would make in the country, and of how great a president he would be. The only problem was that the address was in the blistering cold and rain. This made some Americans so angry that they decided to start a revolution. John Tyler led this revolution, saying
“Oh my God, I just heard that speech and it was so boring that I don't think I can put up with four years of William Henry Harrison”
It has since been determined that Tyler was just a power hunger little bastard not even worthy of mention.
Most people don't know much about the Glorious Revolution of 1841 because, even though it was an American war, fought by Americans, very little of the war took place in the United States of America. Most of the Glorious Revolution took place in Brazil. One of the main battles was the Battle of Brazil, although the Battle of Monkey-Pirate Island is also very famous. The fighting in the United States wasn't very widespread, with most of it happening in northern New Jersey and New York City.
Fighting in Brazil
In 1841, William Henry Harrison had many supporters in Brazil. The rebels led by John Tyler and Karl Marx decided to take over Brazil first. On March 5, 1841, the rebel army invaded all of Brazil at the same time. This is known as the Battle of Brazil. They were very successful and had taken all of Brazil by exactly 12:32 PM that day, meaning that they could sit down after a hard day's fighting and have a wholesome lunch. The Brazilians weren't very good at fighting so they decided to just go with being occupied and rooted for Harrison on the sidelines. At 9:43 the next morning, Karl Marx heard that some Brazilian monkeys who also happened to be pirates that supported Harrison held out on their secret island. The rebels attacked the island in what is now called the Battle of Monkey-Pirate Island. The rebels won and made the long journey back the United States (which took them much longer to get back than it did to get there) and the monkeys fled across the ocean to Somalia where they joined up with the pirates there and have been stealing oil ever since.
Fighting in New York and New Jersey
While the John Tyler and Karl Marx were on their way back to civilization, the people of New Jersey began to rebel against William Henry Harrison. The New Yorkers in New York City were very strong supporters of Harrison, many being members of the William Henry Harrison Fan Club. The New Jersey people invaded Brooklyn and Manhattan and had taken all of New York City by April 1, 1841 because on that day, the New Yorkers were too busy celebrating April Fool's Day. This made the New Yorkers so mad that became insane elected Rudy Giuliani as mayor before regaining sanity. The New Yorkers have hated the lousy Joysees (New Jersey People) ever since.
Fighting at sea
There was only one sea battle in the whole Glorious Revolution: the Titanic incident in which a mean old Iceberg on the side of John Tyler sank the Titanic, which was on the side of William Henry Harrison. The Titanic has sat on the bottom of the north Atlantic ever since.
Fighting on the moon
There was no fighting on the Moon in the Glorious Revolution and there hasn't been any ever since.
The Glorious Revolution ends
On April 3, 1841, John Tyler, Karl Marx, and the rest of the rebel army landed on the shores of the United States of America. As soon as they had gotten everything out of the boats, they marched on Washington, D.C. The rebel army, the Joysees, and Rudy Giuliani fought the loyal Americans, most of them coming from Vermont and Maine, in the capital. By the next morning, all of the loyal Americans had surrendered and John Tyler and Karl Marx stormed the White House. They captured William Henry Harrison, Tyler gave a 42 hour monologue about what they were going to do to him before his mouth got dry and they killed Harrison in front of a large, cheering crowd. In an interview with John Tyler after the execution, Tyler said
“Oh my God, I just killed William Henry Harrison”
Two days after William Henry Harrison was executed, the zombie of John Adams and his undead minions dug up William Henry Harrison and turned him into a zombie. Harrison was so grateful that he founded a new political movement: The Undead League of North America. The zombie version of William Henry Harrison, zombie John Adams, and of their zombie friends moved to the United States of Canada later that year, but left the USC in 1850, when they moved to California because they knew that the people of California would accept them for the zombies that they are, because the people of California are wonderful like that. They're beautiful people. I just want to thank them for being so wonderful. Thank you California, just thank you. However, in 1888, Harrison and Adams and the rest of the zombies were forced to move to ZOMBIE ISLAND as a last defense against Julia Tyler. After killing Tyler, Harrison and his zombie minions moved to the Midwest United States.
William Henry Harrison has gone on to become the most celebrated president in the history of the Universe, and is often credited for his numerous contributions to the field of Relativity, which he developed under the guise of his alter ego Albert Einstein. Furthermore, Harrison is often considered the father of modern pornography for his pioneering film, Oh My God, I Just F***ed William Henry Harrison (Which has won every Academy Award, and thus has had to bow out to other, lesser films each year). But Harrison was fine with this development, and was famously quoted as saying: "Wait, they were filming me?"
When it came to his musical tastes, William Henry Harrison was way ahead of his time. It's believed that had he lived through his whole first term, jazz might have become popular seventy years before it did. Harrison's taste in theater was also revolutionary.
Martin van Buren
|His Royal Highness,
President of the United States