William Wilberforce

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Those know-it-alls over at Wikipedia also have an article about: William Wilberforce.

...Reading it, however, is not recommended, as doing so may cause severe mental anguish.

William Wilberforce was the secret identity of the early nineteenth-century superhero Amazing Grace, who's best remembered for fighting against evil slave traders. He single-handedly ended slavery throughout the British Empire.


Wilberforce was the mild-mannered owner of a South London brothel called "The Clap and Sex" (due to strict nineteenth-century advertising regulations). He wanted to expand the BDSM side of his business, but all the whips, chains, manacles, and other equipment he needed were being used in the slave trade. There were none left for ordinary, decent perverts like him.

He started out as a punter visiting many a brothel till one day he went to africa and raped a lot of africans. He then paid 40 cents for 70 million "donkey rides". He enjoied this so much that he brought 40 million africans to ride and sell. He eventually got sick of this and replaced his cock with a barbed wire version. Eventually Paris hilton became african and ate his barbed wire cock. He enjoied this and because she was so slutty he employed her and became bankrupt. So he went back to africa and stole their donkeys, Elephants and zebras.

Finally, while staring at a new batch of kinky dominatrix outfits that the brothel had ordered but hadn't been able to use, Wilberforce had an idea. Using the cross-dressing skills he had learned at the brothel, he would wear the outfit and secretly fight the slave traders, stealing their equipment for himself. Hiding his face behind a veil, he chose the name Amazing Grace remembering a john had once told him he moved with "such amazing grace" when dressed a woman.

Superhero career[edit]

Wilberforce in costume as Amazing Grace

As Grace, Wilberforce began a series of raids on slave ships across the Empire. In each case, he would leap onto the ship, fight the slave traders, steal their whips, manacles, testicle clamps, etc. for himself, and then sink the ship, drowning all the all the slaves on board. He reasoned that if all the slaves were killed, there wouldn't be enough left for the slave trade to function.

As a result of doing all this superhero work, Wilberforce naturally found himself developing superpowers. He could cure blindness, make sweet sounds, and use telepathy and ESP to find lost objects and people. Okay, so as superpowers go, they're kind of crap, but still better than Batman who doesn't have any powers at all. Call himself a superhero? Huh!

“Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.”

~ a formerly lost and blind person on Wilberforce's superpowers

“Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
’Tis Grace hath brought me safe thus far
And Grace will lead me home.”

~ another formerly lost person on Wilberforce's superpowers

Anyway, after a few years (it's hard to tell how many, since like all superheroes he had a sliding chronology) "The Clap and Sex" had the most lavishly equipped BDSM dungeon in the country, and the slavers no longer had enough chains, thumbscrews, rectal spikes, etc. to keep the surviving workshy Africans under control. The slave trade was doomed unless they acted quickly.

The Evil MastermindTM behind the slave trade contacted the two French dictators Napoleon I and Napoleon Bonaparte (aka Napoleon II), and persuaded them to start the Napoleonic Wars. Under some flimsy excuse about ice-cream recipes, the two Napoleons sent an army through the Channel Tunnel to invade England. The aim was that Amazing Grace would be distracted or even killed in the invasion.

However on arriving at Waterloo, the French army were met by the Duke of Wellington, who had himself just arrived by train from the playing fields of Eton. The army immediately did what it did best, and surrendered to him. The few Frenchmen who managed to run away, only made it across the river as far as Trafalgar Square where they surrendered to Admiral Horatio Nelson.

Wilberforce realised that if the Evil MastermindTM behind the slave trade was desperate enough to turn to the French (of all people) for assistance, then they'd already lost. So using his superpower of finding lost people, he was able to trace their headquarters in the Castle of Otranto. (The castle had previously been the home of former Prime minister and horror novelist Robert Walpole, and was built entirely out of strawberry jam.)

Wilberforce immediately rushed to the castle, realised he'd forgotten to change into his Amazing Grace costume, immediately rushed back to London, changed, and immediately rushed to the castle again. Once there, he immediately fought his way past the ninjas, gorillas, gorilla ninjas, and ninja gorillas guarding it. He made his way through to the inner sanctum where he finally came face to face with the Evil MastermindTM behind the slave trade, who turned out to be none other than Oprah Winfrey herself.

During the confrontation, Grace asked Oprah why an African-American was supporting slavery. Like all supervillains, Oprah was unable to resist the chance to monologue. She explained that she'd travelled back in time and started the slave trade to ensure there would be enough African Americans for her to be able to feed on their dignity in her present.

Not even Amazing Grace was amazing enough to defeat the menace that was Oprah, and the two opponents found themselves locked in a stalemate. Eventually a compromise was reached, where Oprah would be allowed to continue slavery in the land of the free for nearly another fifty years, but it was abolished everywhere else.

Disgrace and death[edit]

Wilberforce later teamed up with other leading superheroes of the era, including Smike (alias mild-mannered clerk Nicholas Nickleby), the Scarlet Pimpernel (alias mild-mannered fop Peregrine Pickle), Captain Non-Sequitur (alias mild-mannered gentleman Roderick Random), Prince Regent (alias mild-mannered nobleman Plantagenet Palliser), and Waverley (alias mild-mannered violent Jacobite warrior Rob Roy), to form the "League of Extremely Ordinary Gentlemen". (They chose the name to lull their enemies into a false sense of security.)

Sadly, during a fight with Jack the Ripper, the villain ripped the veil that concealed Wilberforce's face, revealing his secret identity. The other team-members were shocked to discover they'd been fighting alongside a sick, disgusting transvestite. Prince Regent was especially upset since he'd been having an affair with Grace for the past six months without suspecting anything.

Wilberforce tried to reason with them, pointing out that the League's name had been a bit of a clue that he was really a man. However, they's just assumed that i was part of the bluff; after all he wasn't "Extremely Ordinary" either, was he, so why should he be a Gentleman?

Exposed and disgraced, Wilberforce found he was now an outcast. Not even an attempt at reinventing himself as the male superhero "Wilber-Force!" could save his reputation. Superheroes refused to fight alongside him, and supervillains refused to fight against him. Alone and rejected, he took to kitten huffing, but not even that could take the shame away.

During the last years of his life, he started wearing his ripped veil at all times, refusing to take it off even to wash himself. He kept wandering around the brothel, feeling sorry for himself, telling johns that "I used to be somebody, you know," and generally acting like an emo. He was finally put out of his misery by Dr. Samuel L. Johnson. And not before time

“Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil
A life of joy and peace.”

~ William Wilberforce on his final years

Wilberforce in popular culture[edit]

  • The idea of superheroes fighting for or against slavery was the inspiration for the controversial Marvel Comics series Civil War, in which a group of heroes travel back in time to fight in the American Civil War.
  • The recent film Amazing Grace starring Ioan Gruffudd is based on the life of William Wilberforce. However, the film's Hollywood scriptwriters have made a few changes to make the story more acceptable to American test audiences, such as making an anachronistic Abraham Lincoln the hero, and Wilberforce the evil, slave-trading villain with a British accent, who assassinates Lincoln at the theatre.
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