Willy Wonka

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Nice hat.
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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Willy Wonka.

“He's a crook and a swindler! He smashes children's dreams to pieces! He's an inhuman monster! He's really weird.”

~ Grandpa Joe on Willy Wonka

“There's no earthly way of knowing...which way we are going...”

~ Willy Wonka on his seizure-inducing boat tour.

Willy Wonka is a man that owns a chocolate factory...one that is absurdly spacious in length, to the extent it is 50 times larger than most chocolate factories. He once sent five golden tickets to "lucky" children that were hidden inside his chocolate bars, saying that anyone who obtained them would get a tour of his factory as well as a lifetime supply of chocolate, hoping they would not pay attention and end up choking on them and wanted the sales of his chocolate to skyrocket. Thankfully, this ultimately did not happen.

Among other crimes, Willy Wonka has murdered several of his competititors that have tried to steal his recipes, given countless children diabetes and tooth decay, has assaulted at least 49 children and 102 catholic priests for refusing to try his candy, and has failed to tip his Oompa Loompa barber.

Early Life[edit]

Willy Wonka was born at the New York City hospital, which evidently was the only ordinary thing about him. His father Dr. Wilbur Wonka was a dentist as well as a widower that suspiciously drank alcohol, hit his wife, and wished that she was dead prior to her mysterious demise. He forced Willy Wonka not to have candy simply because he did not want him to have cavities, not even giving him a birthday cake. He beat him every night to sleep and scarred him for life, feeding him little more than fluoride toothpaste. Willy Wonka would later mock his father by eating many sweets that he created himself.

When Willy Wonka stated that he wanted to make a chocolate factory, he called him an extremely vulgar word and immediately booted him out of the house and onto the street, leaving nobody to look after him but himself. Despite impossible odds, Willy Wonka managed to survive out in the wilderness away from all other kinds of civilization. Rumor has it that he survived by resorting to cannibalism, despite later saying that it it was frowned upon in most societies, possibly being an enormous hypocrite.

He later sold his soul to none other than the devil, allowing him to become rich and famous. Why did he do so, you may ask? The answer was the same for all people who sell their souls to the devil...so that he wouldn't have to work for it himself.

Building the Chocolate Factory[edit]

A typical child after eating Willy Wonka's candy.

Eventually, Willy Wonka stole a car factory from a businessman, and remodeled it into his own factory, filled with his minions the Oompa Loompas (who all looked exactly alike, therefore making them impossible to tell apart), who obeyed his every command, even if he told them to jump off a cliff or stabbing themself in the heart. Rumor has it that he is secretly feeding them a mind control candy that also causes them to sing and dance.

Willy Wonka then proceeded to sell chocolate and other candy to children, causing them to become morbidly obese due to liking the flavor so much. Despite complaints by their parents, Willy Wonka continued selling them due to the fact that he did not care about his customers. Willy Wonka also contaminated a local water supply and replaced it with melted chocolate, which proceeded to form a chocolate river contained within the candy garden.

He proceeded to make many types of candy including Gobstoppers which tended to break children's teeth, Nerds which contrary to their name did not make their consumer more intelligent, and Sweetarts which contrary to their name tasted somewhat sour. He also once scammed a wealthy sultan out of 1 million dollars by giving him a palace that was secretly made out of chocolate, which melted within the hot temperatures of the Sahara desert. He went to his factory to complain about what had happened...and was never seen again.

Eventually Willy Wonka decided that he needed an apprentice as he had not yet discovered the secret of immortality. Printing five golden tickets to give to the unsuspecting children, they were given to an obese child named Augustus Gloop, a gum addict named Violet Beauregarde, a spoiled brat named Veruca Salt, a television addict named Mike Teevee, and a poor boy named Charlie Bucket.

The Tour[edit]

Surprisingly, Willy Wonka is not racist.

Things went awry during the tour as various horrific disasters happened to the children in the factory. Augustus Gloop nearly drowned in the chocolate river while he was trying to drink from it, Violet Beauregarde swelled up like a giant blueberry due to eating some of his tainted gum, Veruca Salt was attacked by man-eating squirrels, and Mike Teevee was shrunk by a laser used to transport chocolate to a television set.

Suffice to say, Willy Wonka had never invited a safety inspector to oversee his factory.

Eventually, Charlie Bucket was the only surviving child that was taking the tour of the chocolate factory, and he was entrusted to become Willy Wonka's apprentice and to take the deed to his chocolate factory so that he could continue selling chocolate and his other types of amazing candy in the distant future...until Willy Wonka said that he had been banned due to stealing fizzy lifting drinks and bumping his head on the ceiling.

This made Charlie cry his head off and nearly flood the factory, so Grandpa Joe began berating Willy Wonka for what he had done. Tired of his complaining, Willy Wonka finally decided to give in, and Charlie became his apprentice.

Journey to Space[edit]

This elevator violates every law of physics, boggling scientists' minds to no end.

Willy Wonka then took Charlie's family on a tour to outer space using his flying glass elevator, where they were attacked by flesh-eating aliens known as Vermicious Knids that were surprisingly unintelligent (considering the only word they knew was Scram).

Thankfully, said glass elevator defied logic by not breaking and instead protecting its crew from the space invaders.

Afterwards Willy Wonka encouraged the grandparents to try to take Wonkavite due to the fact they had gotten so old, but of course they were greedy and overdosed, causing one of them to cease to exist and the others to turn into infants. This forced Willy Wonka and Charlie to head to Minusland in order to save said person who had ceased to exist, which was filled with invisible yet ridiculously dangerous creatures known as Gnoolies that turned people into other Gnoolies by biting them in the butt.

Unfortunately things went wrong somewhat as the saved granny was now over 300 years old (and yet somehow did not turn to dust), so they were forced to try to make her young again.

Willy Wonka then took Charlie and his family to the White House after the latest disaster in his factory, possibly due to the fact that he secretly wished to assassinate the current president of the United States.