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Wire was/is a band from England that, in the course of 14 short years, went from playing bad, strange punk to bad, strange electronica, and then, after a 70-year hiatus, returned to playing bad, strange punk. They have only released two albums, despite being together for over 57 years. Wire was/is best known for its highly ornate and gaudy organizations of orchestral instruments, its civil and elegant shows, and its amazing ability to discern when to cease producing music.

Band Formation[edit]

The band was formed when singer/guitarist Randy Newman, singer/bassist Graham Cracker, guitarist Bruce Springsteen, and drummer Robert Gotobedrightnowyoungman met at Fred Phelps School of Art and despite not knowing how to play their instruments in any way, shape, or form (an aspect of their music that would continue for the rest of their career) decided to form a band. Naming the band after Graham Cracker's cat, they began to work on some songs.

Early Years[edit]

In 1952, Wire released their first album, Pink Flab. Featuring nearly one thousand songs in just under 30 minutes (one of the songs, "Field Day for Some Gays", lasted a picosecond), it showed a rather primitive, punk approach that was in no way unique, but since the band sucked so bad, critics ADORED it. Within a year, Wire learned another chord and decided to release another album, Pears Missing!. Although it sounded the same as Pink Flab, the only difference being slightly longer songs that were a bit more poppy and atmospheric (e.g. "French Films and Kurds", "Pop Song about a fucking insect"), critics (obviously) thought it showed a huge step forward in the evolution of the band. Then again, critics also thought John Zorn was a great sax player. (Fuck critics) Wire's next album, Nineteen-one-fifty-four, while still an absolute piece of shit, was actually a little bit of a progression. In fact, the song "They're Touching in Strange Ways" lasted a little over 2 minutes and contained almost 4 chords (a record in punk music still unbroken). But as soon as they were on the cusp of mediocrity, Wire released one totally shit-tastic live album (Document of A Sucky Band Trying to be Dada and Their Understandably Outraged Eyewitnesses) and broke up.

Breakup (unfortunately a temporary one) and Middle Period[edit]

During the break-up, Randy Newman, in between stints with Slint and Stereolab, released a solo album that contained material that was intended to be on the fourth Wire album, while Cracker and Springsteen had a project called Sphere. After twenty-three years of blessed silence, though, the octogenarians of Wire unfortunately decided to reform as a "beat combo" (a euphemism for "shit") and in 1982.3 released the EP Mandrill, which was soon followed by the full-length Not-So-Ideal and Quite Sloppy. Totally different from their previous crappy-poppy-punk sound, this was almost indescribable, except if you use several negative expletives. Again, critics about had an orgasm at the new album, one that would only get worse when they released A Bell is a Cup Until It Is Struck, In Which Case it's Fucked, which contained the singles "Kidney Beans" and "The Queen of 'Err...' and the King of 'Uh...'". After two more albums that, believe it or not, actually made the first batch look good, Robert Gotobedrightnowyoungman left to become a farmer (what the hell? a farmer?), and the remaining trio formed Wir.


Not only was it a dumb name (they called themselves this because they were a four-piece band with a four-letter name, so when the drummer left, they dropped a letter. How clever), they also made horrible music too. Someone should have told them that tepid, repetitious, depressing electronica is not the way to go, because that's exactly what "Wir" ended up being. Songs like "Dick in your Mouth" and "Naked, Whooping, and Such-Like: Extended on and on and on and on and fucking ON!!!! My god, stop us, for the love of god" made people want to kill themselves with rusty spoons (some were, in actuality, included with the album), so luckily, Wir disbanded.

Jesus, another album? WTF?[edit]

Yes, it's true. After another ridiculously long period of no albums (which was quite nice), Wire, all four of them, regrouped and released another album, Send (this to Guantanamo Bay and torture terrorists with it). Sounding like their "Pink Flab" days only played by people old enough to be someone's great-grandfather, Wire took the world by storm yet again (well, at least the borderline retarded people). Luckily, they've not been heard from since.

Band Members[edit]

  • Randy Newman- Vocals, guitar, banjo, contrabass piccolo, sitar, kazoo
  • Graham Cracker- Vocals, bass, anal sex, bass (the fish), vocals, guitar, aulos
  • Bruce Springsteen- Turntables, rhythm anal sex
  • Robert Gotobedrightnowyoungman- Drums, farming, blowing raspberries

Additional Members:

  • Johnny Rotten %
  • Ithaac Brock %
  • Mike Oldfield %
  • The Singing Resident%
  • Elmer Fudd %
  • Cap'n Jazz %
  • that guy %
  • Demi Moore %
  • %- Additional kazooists on the album "A Bell is a Cup Until It Is Struck, In Which Case It's Fucked"



  • Pink Flab
  • Chairs Pissing
  • 154,154,154,154
  • Not-So-Ideal and Quite Sloppy
  • A Bell Is A Cup Until It Is Struck, In Which Case It's Fucked
  • It's Beginning to Suck Even Worse Again
  • Manscrape
  • We're Still Bedwetters
  • Send (this to Guantanamo Bay and torture terrorists with it)


  • Wire's Dance Party Extravaganza
  • Wire en Espanol: Somos perdedores totales
  • Mandrill
  • Wire goes wire!
  • Wire goes wir!
  • Wir goes wire!
  • Earnest goes wiring