Wire tapping

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No need to wonder why he never gets convicted. The Catholic Church knows who's boss.

Wire tapping is the process of tapping on someone's telephone wires until they give up secrets about what information they carry. The most common way to tap a wire is with a hammer. Wires are generally stubborn creatures, and will hold out as long as they can bear. However, when a wire has had enough, it will cry "uncle", and will most likely reveal its secrets. Wire tapping is practiced by the governments of a number of countries even though the Geneva Conventions forbid it, citing it as a form of wire torture. George Bush is a major fan of wire tapping, himself having visited countless American homes to practice this illegal activity while the family was away on vacation, leaving a trail of abused Telephone Wires in his wake.

Historical Cases of Wire Tapping[edit]

Martin Luther listening in, after giving the wire a good tapping

Wire tapping was invented in the late 1100s, several years after the invention of the tin can phone. The Spanish Inquisition, in particular, tapped the "wire" (string) between the cans used by the Children of nobles to see what plots to overthrow the King they could find. In fact, several assassination attempts on the king by the Monty Python cast were foiled, and ultimately resulted in the Spanish Inquisition's visit to the Monty Python set via time travel.

During the Roman Inquisition Martin Luther tapped-up the Pope while hopping from German city to city. If it had not been for wire tapping, Luther would have been captured and protestantism may never have occurred. Interestingly enough, Martin Luther also received inspiration for his Ninety-Five Theses from information he learned while wire tapping a line between God and Arch Angel Gabriel.

Before language computer programs were invented, many universities made agreements with national authorities abroad to tap phone wires so language students could learn, say German, by listening to someone's private phone conversations in Berlin. This method was rendered obsolete by computers.

Wire Tapping in the World Wars[edit]

The BIG GUNS of wire tapping

Wire tapping was first used in more modern times during WWI. Tapping an enemy's phone line to discover war secrets was a highly rewarding practice, and thus, the British army employed a special division solely for this purpose. Because German phone wires were well trained, British wire tappers had to use special weaponry to extract secrets. Privates, such as private wire tappers 1st class, armed with small hammers on the ends of their guns, would tap a wire for hours at a time with little success. Eventually, more effective "tapping tanks" and heavy tapping artillery would have better results. WWII also saw heavy use of wire tapping, including use of "tap bombers", and fully automatic hammers. After WWII, the Geneva Conventions forbade further torture of wires.


The next major instance of wire tapping would not occur until the Republican party was caught red-handed at the Democratic National Committee headquarters at the the Watergate hotel complex in Washington, D.C. on June 17, 1972, hammers in hand. Upon consultation with the wires there, investigators determined that Richard M. Nixon had ordered the taping. Nixon was soon forced to resign amidst protests from Wire Rights Activists and lawsuits in the International Court.

Save Our Wires!

Dangers of Wire Tapping[edit]

Wire tapping can be potentially dangerous to anyone who attempts it. The most injuries resulting from wire tapping are probably a result of accidentally tapping electrical wires. Electrical wires have little in the form of secrets to reveal (unless you want to know what someone's monthly electric bill is), but have the evolutionary ability to defend themselves from predators via electrical charges. Christopher Reeves actually became paralyzed after accidentally tapping an electrical wire (you didn't think it was really a horse, did you?) while attempting to gain information that would help him stop a serial killer and save New York. He remained paralyzed the rest of his life, and Bruce Wayne has had to fill in for Superman ever since. Dubya has reportedly also done some damage to his head as a result of electrical shock, but this does not seem to have hurt his oratory skills at all.

Telephone wire have also been known to strangle people from time to time. This becomes especially likely when large amount of loose telephone wire are present. Fortunately, no unprovoked attacks by telephone wire have ever occurred. Regardless, this factor makes wire tapping a risky crime, and is not popular with the average crook.

George Bush[edit]

President George Bush has been repeatedly accused of tapping telephone wires and collecting secrets from the American Public. He reportedly keeps them in a scrap book, and uses them when he needs to find something to declare war on. So far, wire tapping has convinced Bush to declare war on: Soccer Moms, Your Mom, Cats, Telephone Companies, Brice, Adam Sandler, and Toilet Paper. When asked why he was declaring wars on so many things, George Bush reportedly told the press, "I have listenized to the, ummm, wires! And I have repeatedly heard these topics rementioned. I determinated that a war on these objects was, ummm, necesitized." Despite definitive proof from many sources, Bush remains unimpeacherized. Thankfully, the International Court has been thoroughly bribed with Tax dollars, and George Bush won't face allegations as long as Fox News continues to find no real proof that these activities ever occurred.