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“Wisbech, WISBECH you say. Why the hell would I want to say something good about that shithole?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Wisbech


Closest border: Niggwawa
Formal status: Shite
Where it is
County: Chavbridgeshire
Region: [[East of Chavland]
Nation: Chavland
Post Office Strikes and Telephone Theft
Post town: Wisbeckistan
Postcode: PE13
Dialling Code: 118 188 Then Ask For 999

Some useful information on Satans first town Wisbeckistan.

... A middle eastern town and inland port with a population of about 200,0000 polish in the fenland area of Chavbridgeshire. The "River Nene" runs through the centre of the town and is the main source of sewerage and drinking water. The name of the river is believed to mean "All Foreigners Welcome". Wisbech is also well known for its notorious obesity problem, it is send that 1 in 10 Wisbech citizens gauge out their eyeballs because they can't bare to look at another fat 16 year old single Mum.

One the best people to come from Wisbech is that person that was on a famous show Robot Wars but then got kicked off as he was found out to be getting it on with Sir Killalot (one of the house robots).This then prompted the special scientists to do special tests on Wisbeckistanies to prove if you have a penis, are you whether you are likely to put your dick in machinery, robots and of course, the common hoover? The results showed positive results to the hypothesis.

In 2000, the local inhabitants became known as "Soldiers of Allah" because of their resistance to the infidels, but the name turned to Wisbech a poor town handling illegal immigrants.

Wisbech is full of the common "Chavvy" Some "Chavvys" pretend to be hard and claim they are a traveller. When in fact all their parents do is work cleaning the shit in the public toilets. Warning if you do end up in any public toilets in the Wisbech area be careful not to be injected by some heroin junky's used needles. You've been warned!

Drugs are another big deal to Wisbech! In fact, before The Queens School became the Thomas Clarkson Community College, it was believed the dinner ladies put smack in the food making them hyped up for there lessons.

Women of Wisbech bathe in the glory that they are called 'Swamp Donkeys, Hippocrocadogs and Munterpeeds'. Many can be seen around with 2-3 kids in tow, divorced and blaming their ex partners for their plight!!! Surely it takes 2 to tango!!!

Wisbech is twin town with Jalalabad in Afghanistan !


The local football team is Wisbech Town F.C. nicknamed The Flying Spaztics. They are known to lose almost every game they play, but their luck is soon to be turned around with their new manager Steve Mclaren

Other popular sports are cricket and rugby. These are both played on the fields like behind Peckover School. If there isn't a intense game happening on these fields. You can often see some underaged drinking or a dog excreting onto a hobos house. How can a dog excrete onto a hobo's house as hobos do not have houses.

Notable buildings and Sites[edit]

Peckover House & Garden : Owned by the Greenpeace 4X4 owners club, famous for looking indistinguishable from every other house on North Brink!

Clarkson Memorial : notable for it's famous inscription "Once you go black, you go blind" and the many people seen sitting on the steps shouting abuse at passers by and eating their favourite meal from McDonalds

The Park Bench : Notable for the history of foreigners that become drunks and end their life with drugs

Ghost Passage : It's called Ghost Passage not because its haunted, but because all the midnight public shaggers go down there and if you go down you are likely to be covered in semen making you look like a ghost. If not you may get beaten up by the Guiness World Record breaking 100,000 drug dealers that seem to live down there.

The Wisbech Arms : Just cause one person gets stabbed means it has to close down. But let's be fair, what a hell of a Ramadan!

The Horsefair Tavern : Where the exit is the window, and tonight you'll be learning to fly.

The Swan Inn: Located in the near by village of Parson Drove. The twats that own it are leaving and closing it down in a few weeks when it will become a wine bar........ OH GOD NO

In film and television[edit]

Wisbech is noted for its for it regular appearance on the British television show "crime watch". Other shows include OAPS with ASBOS, England's Dumbest criminals and Spot the Brit. OAP Film actor Peter O Toole recently done some filming for his new movie in Wisbech and left with a big bag of money, the upper class twat.

The 'Rabbits on the Roundabout' caused locals considerable discussion. A number of rabbits took up residence on a town centre roundabout, nearly as many as the polish. They made it a good way for publicity by putting boats on it and calling it the Water Ship Down island because of the movie. This decision was made by the council, the vote between Water Ship Down and Broke Back Mountain came in close. But the voting scores went as followed

Watership Down : 2 Brokeback Mountain:1

According to a study looking into immigration patterns, Wisbech has been identified as the seventh "most English" town in Britain. Sky News. however,this was obviously recorded by a deaf,drunk and stoned man.

Wisbech was also reputed to have the third highest crime to population ratio in the developed world after New York and Chicago. This is probably true and was not a statistical error.

It was reported on BBC News 24 that a small trout (fish) once ran as Town Mayor for 3 years (1924-1927) without anybody noticing.


Police are investigating a crime wave that has struck a local corner shop in Wisbech, a Polish man was caught trying to steal a tin of beans from a local corner shop luckily the owner had a pump action shot gun to hand, and took his head clear off, the police have reported that the polish man was not going to be missed and could not be bothered to fill out the paperwork.

4 Year old Girl Caught driving without licence given £50 fine.

Polish Man caught doing 31mph in a 30 zone was given 25 Years in prison.

Year 6 child beating and extorting headmaster.

Drugs, Drugs and oh yeah did i forget to mention something? ...more drugs!!

Local Child Enjoying a Visit To MC Donalds


Wisbech's two secondary schools (11-60) are the Failing Queens School, which has now been renamed The Thomas Clarkson Community College for "special special children" (which will apparently make it more popular with Ofsted) and the privately run Wisbech Grammar School, or soon to be renamed "We are forever the biggest snobs on planet earth"

Education in Wisbech is mostly pastoral and stretches to include NVQs in subjects such as:

Handling and Selling Stolen goods : Selling Drugs to pre-schoolers : How to Take drugs : How to make fake ID : Importance of smuggling drugs : Importing foreigners to sell and use as slaves : Genealogy, or as they call "Who's my daddy?" , Unless you go to Wisbech Grammar School were they teach you how to be a pussy. The hammer grip style of writing technique is also needed to pass the Thomas Clarkson Community colleges entrance exam! This technique can also be seen in the after school curriculum of the pissed School teacher. Then there is the Isle College, which is renowned for it's fashion shows (which takes their influence from Homeless Bob, the tramp who lives down the back of the old Welcome Café) and the enormous proportion of art-fags.

Fast Food Industry[edit]

The residents of Wisbech have benefited greatly from the opening of a Subway branch, and come from all over to enjoy the piped-in smell of freshly-baked bread.

This was a great change from McDonalds. Not because it's less fattening. But because everyone has heard of the rumor of that guy who put there own jizz in a ladies McChicken Sandwich. This led to the billboard in Wisbech saying:

"A McChicken Sandwich Has Never Given Someone Herpies" that's what they said but in actual fact a McChicken sandwich has given someone herpes, my mum has it


The local schools spawn half wits and oafs ready to be released into there natural habitat toilets and parks to either score a hit get hit or just generally socialize with others of there breed and race! Yes you've guessed it its the fucking polish and a close second is the long standing pikey community , a bunch of thieving , rapist , murdering , kiddy fiddling bunch of excuses for people.


Smoking, along with throwing bottles at passing traffic and setting foreigners various things on fire, is one of the many activities available in Wisbech to people aged 15-17. If you want a cigarette then your best bet is to hang around the Isle College, sooner or later you'll encounter some lanky git, probably doing IT, fashion design or some equally worthless course, busy sneaking in a quick fag between lessons who you can steal (either literally or figuratively speaking) one off of.


It is a weekly, nay, daily tradition to stab, rape, kill, maim, steal cars from or punch foreigners. No one knows why, but there you go. This is Wisbech.

The Rose Fair, errrrrm don't get me started on that pile of horseshit.

"Wisbech Massive." Massive Pile Of Shit.

And the last tradition is daily annual "foreigners get pissed hour!" which happens early hours of the morning, and usually end up dead in the blind gardens which aren't for blind people (they are for the blind drunk, fookin' pissheads)

come and enjoy wisbech with the most pound shops in the country.