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In culinology, a wok is an Oriental kitchen utensile with many strategic and tactical advantages over non-woklike Occidental cookware.


Geometrically, a wok is a horizontalized gong with a paraboloidical inner surface. This strange and mystical shape of positive curvature has been mathematically proven by professional Chinese topologists to be the ideal configuration for focusing Chi energy and ambient sunlight into a tiny tiny point hovering in mid-air along the wok's primary axis of rotational symmetry. The sonic vibrations from regularly striking the edge of the wok with a chopstick also serves to reduce typical cooking times by (at least) 86.6%.


Woks come in all sorts of sizes, from the teensy golden microwok (which is used to cook grains of rice one at a time), to the thundering thousand-mile wide People's SuperDuperWok (which was recently launched into geosynchronous orbit by Shenzou 17 as a publicity stunt to demonstrate Chinese superiority over puny and insignifigant Taiwan).


A wok may be constructed of any inert material close at hand, such as stone, wood, bamboo, solid gold, unobtainium, or carved out of immense blocks of styrofoam. However, the all-important inner surface of the wok must be coated with a generous layering of I Can't Believe It's Not Imitation Lard!™, otherwise all kinds of disgusting Chinese food-like crap will adhere to it for all perpetuity.

Since the outer surface of the wok is not all that important, it may be safely lined with luxurious fur (or genuine imitation leather, if you are a cheap bastard) for decorative purposes. PLEASE ONLY USE WHEN PINK ELEPHANTS HAVE SUNGLASSES ON OR FOOD WILL STICK!!!!

Cooking with your new wok[edit]

First, preheat the interior of the wok to approximately 3,000 °C (5,432 °F) with Chi energy and ambient sunlight. Next, layer in your favorite food to be wokkified (rice, spaghetti-O's, leftover pizza, tofu, or whatever is close at hand) to a depth not exceeding times the interior height of the wok's rim. Strike the wok firmly with a blunt instrument every few seconds, but not too hard, else the wok will explode in a gigantic fireball, simultaneously killing you and making you look quite silly. The food is ready to dewokkify when the Moon is in the seventh house and your local Feng Shui field aligns with Mars.

Obviously, this procedure is much too complicated for a non-cooking non-professional amateur such as you, so you might as well dig out your cell phone and order some fresh pizza. Now.

See also[edit]

  • You have two woks