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“This is a town.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Woking

The red light symbolizes modern Woking's communist past.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Woking.

Woking is a commuter town in Surrey, famous for communism in the 1950s. During this period of depression, many people were depressed. The town grew steadily worse until HG Wells wrote a book about aliens destroying the entire region. For 'writing research' (in order to make the book more accurate), HG Wells decided to promptly bomb the entire town, killing over 6,000,000,000 innocent locals. His attempts also tried to destroy London, but the shield of STDs around the Chav's killed the Martians before they could succeed.

The town was rebuilt in 1974, much to the amusement of The Queen. Town planning officials spent 3 hours in a meeting to decide on a name for the proposed indoor swimming pool before deciding on "Woking Indoor Swimming Pool". The pool was given a prominent position in the town centre opposite Bejam. Oh, hang on, all that stuff actually happened.

In 1991, Centrepiece shopping and arts centre "The Peacocks" or, more formally, "The Cocks" was designed with a ring road next to it (known as the "Cock Ring") so that car drivers could avoid going into Woking at all. It is also aimed at keeping the residents in Woking confined to this area so they are never allowed into the outside world

Ever since the great doughnut loss of 1457, Woking's elderly residents have been found killing local 11 year olds and making their meat into more doughnuts for sale. They sell them under the brand name of Kid-Nuts.

Since then, the town has begun to engage in many local traditions, primarily the application of traffic laws. Woking has 18 car parks, each of which has an individual colour. This allows 'tourist morons' (aka tourons) to locate their cars more easily. Cars left longer than 43 minutes are typically stolen and/or vandalised with spray-on deoderant.

2005's Smash Hit summer blockbuster Devil's Game was filmed in and around the surrounding areas of Woking. Its follow up, 2006's Devil's Game 2 was also filmed in the surrounding areas, and in the ghetto of Goldsworth Park.

The new "lightbox" built in Woking is confirmed as the first plane speed camera. It is disguised as an art gallery/museum in the shape of a giant yellow speed camera. So far it has caught about three 747s doing more than 40mph, this is bad as the plane should be doing 90 or something. The lightbox aims to prevent 747s crashing into the surrounding towns of Maybury (or Mayburystan) and the ghetto of Goldsworth park.

In 2012 Woking will be hosting the Olympics where we will see competitors taking part in the much loved game of "trolley" where they wheel locals around the peacocks centre in trolleys before hurling them into the canal from Brewery Road bridge. When asked about what he thinks of the Olympics coming to Woking, the mayor simply shook his head and then fell asleep.

Woking FC[edit]

A.k.a. : The Cards (short for 'The Cardiovascular and Physiotherapy biology class of 1905') Woking's football team is currently so turd, that Alex Ferguson has acknowledged their dire status and thrown pizza at them on many occasions. In 2007, Woking FC borrowed Wayne Rooney for a game, but there were no fans present to realise this. Wayne Rooney scored 14 goals in a 15-14 loss for the Cards. Wayne Rooney then suddenly turned into the hulk and went crazy.


The fortified walls of Horsell (commonly known by the locals as Chateau Du Horsell) keep out any poor or foreign scum. Unfortunately in the 1600's a small infestation broke in at night and have been unable to be removed ever since; they have set up camp in 'pares close', a filthy disgusting hovel full of smelly people and druggies. The population is mainly of men in suits and monocles, similar to Prince Phillip. Just posh racists. Pares close is situated near St Andrews school for children with fabulously rich parents [Posh wanker school], due to their unfortunate placement, the disgusting filthy poor people of pares close throw rocks, sticks, rats and caravans over the fences during break times or during P.E. Sportingly, the children play Polo, Lacrosse, Cricket and peasant slaying. The Horsell Village school, for tolerably poor children teaches such peculiar subjects as Geography, Mathematics, English and Science; the equivalents in St Andrews are Patriotism, How to kill a poor person with only the keys to your Maserati and daddy's shotgun, Why whites are superior and Muggle studies. It is for these reasons, St Andrews children are superior. The Parish Hall, Horsells inner fortress is where the King of Horsell rules from. No one has known the identity of the King of Horsell for over a thousand years, some sources allude to it being undercover conservative MP Jonathan 'Jonty' Lord. Another theory is renowned queer Gareth Gates. Ridgeway, the most luxurious area of Horsell, where all the Lords and Ladies of Horsell live and shoot pheasants in the vast gardens, sometimes known as estates (but that is far too common). It is known to house such residents as Sir Stephen Fry, Knight of the realm, The Queen, His Highness David Cameron and his love puppy Nick Clegg.

Local Residents, such as Sir Clarence Worthingtonsworth III, in a statement released to uncyclopedia said this of horsell; "Horsell is a place of white upper classes, the only black man to enter here and leave alive was Lenny Henry. The rest were either shot, hanged or beaten and captured into slavery. It is a well known fact around these parts that Slavery actually originated in Horsell, who at the time were far more racist than they are now.

The village's official mascot is Prince Phillip, the Duke Of Edinburgh.


Woking is famously known for having some of the worst school's in Britain. The four main schools; Woking High, St John the Baptist, Winston Churchill and Bishop David Brown have all been involved in a number of wars over the last few centuries, resulting in a huge cultural divide.

Woking High School (situated in whoresell) is known mainly for it's extreme violence caused by a chav filled student population. However, the emo takeover in circa 2006-2007 was classified as the worst mass-student fight seen in the schools history, but no chav lives were lost unfortunately as all the emos committed suicide before getting involved. They've got an emo style blog with dark grey titles and black dates with an "Emo Blue" background to commemorate the failed emo takeover (wokinghigh.blogspot.com).

St John the Baptist School (also known as BJ'S) is widely known for its strict Catholocism, where many students are labelled as 'preps' or 'cunts' due to their arrogant and selfish behaviour, this behaviour is understandable now as the poor catholic children are regualrly 'bummed' by teachers and priests . But despite there being a strict religious curriculum, it has resulted in a number of students becoming rebellious and wanting to oppose the entire system by starting a huge drugs trade and encouraging prostitution.

Winston Churchill School (situated in Craphill) is mostly known for having a differently timed day, where they finish at 1:43am. The sports college status that the school currently holds has led to a massive in-student black market, mostly selling steroids and Japanese energy drinks. The timing of the day has also led to a vast amount of teenage pregnancy, which has been widely criticised by the PTA, claiming that the school should build an abortion clinic.

Bishop David Brown School (situated in Shitwater) is most famously known for having a vast Asian student population, estimated 738%. The current pass rate is -31%, making it officially the the worst school in the country. A demolition of the school is planned to take place in 2016. The Mayor of Woking stated that his main reason to demolish the school was because "Bishop David Brown has churned out some of the worst criminals and taxi drivers in Woking, and therefore to improve the safety of the town, we must destroy the source".


Once a week by tradition, woking's 12-24 year olds go for a night out on the town. Typically, this is on Fridays, after 'school' has finished, and lasts until the early hours of Saturday (About Midday, to them). Typical drinking haunts include wetherspoons, costcutters and the wall outside McDonald's. This allows the social side of the town to make an appearance, with many young people meeting and greeting one another. Each night invariably leads to the entire town ending up in 'Chavmeleon', where they stay until the sticky floor lets go of their shoes. Whilst in Chavmeleon, it is best to remain looking at your shoes, any other eye direction will immediately indicate that you are asking for a fight. Chavs in woking rape emo's and kill squrriels left over from the communist era.


"Sex. Fuck off now." No, this is only a chav speaking to you. There a quite a few in woking, and the "ABO ASBO" workers have discovered that over the past few years, 645% of the population of Woking have become chavs. It is expected chavs ran this survey anyway, so you too, can be 'Innit' babe. LOL. Whoever wrote this must be another chav so if you read this you are also a homeless poor loser.

As for schools, there are none. They all got consumed by Grues. Henceforth the high chav count. Now, as the nicer chavs of Woking would say, PISS OFF!


The emos are taking over, being their usual pussy selfs. National Emo Bashing Hour (NEBH) comes once every 2 hours in Woking. This consists of baseball bats, 26 of chavs and 17 stoned emos. First the emos go and hide in their bumchums houses and take the weed then 15 mins later the chaves are let out from their estate and go on the hunt. Once a emo is found then he/she will be merrily beaten to a bloody pulp. They will then be disposed of (but nobody will care because nobody loves them stupid wrist slitting fuckups).

There is a never ending supply of emos and scientists predict that if things carry on as they are all emos will be gone by late 2016.Then there mums will have a massive party.


Woking is often used as a dump for whatever rubbish cannot be kept within London. Unfortunately there is a tendency for some innocent people to be thrown out as well. These people label themselves commuters and attempt to escape from the chavy dump every morning and attack London in revenge, only to be chucked out by sunset, by the vicious evil killer the joker and his posse of the scumiest fuck tards who call themselves chavs

The council[edit]

A new era communist technocracy that wishes to usher out of its diabolical factories many grinning rabid monkeys of partial destruction. It is evan speculated that they (All the council members) are all related to the same decaying lump of cabbage with questionable origins, and it is also assumed that they each have 23.2 paris of nipples respectively.

Actually, no. They're very Tory. As this shit town is full of scummy tories. The students will chase them out, eventually. Fire Extinguishers at the ready.

Famous People[edit]