World Cup 4013BC
|FIFA World Cup 4013BC|
One does not simply walk into Mordor
|Top Goalscorer||Thesh (12 goals)|
“I wish I was there”
“One does not simply walk into Mordor”
“It's coming home, it's coming home, it's coming”
The FIFA World Cup 4013BC was the first ever football World Cup, hosted in Mordor in the summer of year 4013BC. The eventual winners were the host nation. The story of the tournament can be found in the final pages of the Silmarillion.
Eight nations, the leading powers in the world at the time both in a football and a political sense, competed in 16 games over the course of two weeks.
- 1 Origins
- 2 Qualification
- 3 Competing Nations
- 4 Host venues
- 5 Draw
- 6 The Group Stage
- 7 Semi Finals
- 8 Third Place Play-off
- 9 Final
- 10 Winners
- 11 Legacy
FIFA had agreed to a Worldwide competition as early as 10,000,000,000 BC, following an idea by Jules Rimet from a trillion years earlier; but had failed to do anything about it due to various ice ages, the flattening of Sepp Blatter by an elephant, dinosaurs invading FIFA headquarters and the fact that Geoff Hurst hadn't been born yet.
However by 4,017 BC they had just about got everything sorted and took in applications for the tournament. The major powers at this time were the regions of middle earth as well as the ancient civilisations of Sumeria, Egypt and Atlantis. A total of 15 nations entered, and over a lengthy qualifying tournament of not-even-a-dozen games the eight finalists were confirmed.
The qualification process was split into two areas - one being Middle-earth itself and the other being pretty much anywhere else you can think of. A total of 11 games managed to separate the men from the boys. So why do FIFA need hundreds and hundreds nowadays?
Lothlórien were not allowed to enter as the elves refused to let foreign countries into their region lest the pure waters of the Andiun be spoiled. It is rumoured that the current location of Lothlórien is, in fact, North Korea.
|December 15 4015BC|
|The Shire||4-1||Mirkwood||Party Tree Stadium|
|Frodo Baggins (4)||B. Spider|
|December 16 4015BC|
|Dwarves of Moria||1-2||Orcs of Moria||Khazad-Dûm Bridge|
|Gimli||John Lydon, Aruckasheshikovnarcski|
|December 16 4015BC|
|South Gondor||0-0||Isengard||A debatable and desert land|
|4-2 on pens|
- Therefore The Shire, Orcs of Moria and South Gondor progress.
Group stage N.B. Top two progress.
|Orcs of Moria||2||0||0||2||0||14||-14||0|
|July 12 4014BC|
|Rohan||0-5||Númenor||Edoras Valley Pitch|
|Tar-Ancalimë, Tar-Road (3), Tar-Calion|
|July 16 4014BC|
|Númenor||12-0||Orcs of Moria||North Cape Field|
|(can't be bothered to type all the names tbh)|
|July 19 4014BC|
|Orcs of Moria||0-2||Rohan||Khazad-Dûm Bridge|
|July 14 4014BC|
|The Shire||1-0||South Gondor||Hobbiton Park|
|July 18 4014BC|
|South Gondor||4-4||Gondor||A Debatable and Desert Land|
|Roflmir (2), Cartman, Alarm||Faramir, Boromir (3)|
|July 20 4014BC|
|Gondor||2-2||The Shire||Minas Tirith|
|Denethor (2)||Sam Gamgee, Frodo Baggins|
- Thus Númenor, Rohan, The Shire and Gondor qualified. These were joined by Mordor who received a bye as hosts.
This was a straight knockout format.
|May 23 4014BC|
|Eannatum, Remus (o.g.)||Romulus|
|May 23 4014BC|
|Mesolithic FC||0-0||Atlantis||Star Carr, England|
|1-4 on pens|
|May 23 4014BC|
- Thus Sumeria, Atlantis and Egypt qualified.
- Atlantis- green (modern day place in the middle of the Atlantic. Near the Titanic)
- Egypt- red (modern day.. uh.. Egypt)
- Gondor- murky green (modern day Italy)
- Mordor- black (modern day Russia)
- Númenor- yellow (modern day U.S.A.)
- Rohan- turquoise (modern day Sweden)
- The Shire- blue (modern day England)
- Sumeria- purple (modern day Iraq)
The host venues were announced by Sauron in a press conference from Barad-dûr on October 31 4014BC. Due to heavy fascist-like control on what newspapers could print, only the Daily Mail could report this news.
- Minas Morgul Bruce Arena- Capacity: 4 and a few spiders
- Sea of Nûrn Bowl- Capacity: 3,000
- The Black Gate Stadium- Capacity: 5,000
- Kit-Kat Barad-dûr Complex- Capacity: 100,000
- Mount Doom- Capacity: 67,380,000
By decree of the great Lord Sauron himself, all of Mordor's games would be played at the Kit-Kat complex so he could watch from his bedroom window. Mount Doom would be only used for the final itself.
The draw took place on December 25 4014BC and was televised live from Sauron's bedroom. Teams were allocated into pots (well that was the technical term, in fact they were fishbowls) and drawn out.
|Fishbowl A||Fishbowl B||Fishbowl C||Fishbowl D|
Some controversy was caused when the fish in Fishbowl D, Jaws, ate the ball of Atlantis. This meant Rohan had to be drawn out in Group A and many Atlantisians were most unhappy with this.
- The Shire
Group B was therefore the group of death. Suprising that, considering Mordor were in the other group.
The Group Stage
As expected, Mordor triumphed in this group winning with ease. Sauron himself was not happy and decided to play himself in the final game against Rohan. Rohan played excellently to keep the score down to 10-0; after all they were up against the most powerful being ever plus half their team was eaten by Shelob following their defeat against Sumeria. The Shire progressed in second place.
|June 12 4013BC|
|Mordor||2-0||Sumeria||Kit-Kat Barad-dûr Complex
|Eannatum (o.g.), Urtz|
|June 13 4013BC|
|The Shire||1-1||Rohan||Sea of Nûrn Bowl
|June 16 4013BC|
|Mordor||3-1||The Shire||Kit-Kat Barad-dûr Complex
|Urgul, The Eggman, The Mouth of Sauron||Peregrin Took|
|June 17 4013BC|
|Rohan||0-2||Sumeria||Minas Morgul Bruce Arena
att. 2 + Shelob
|Fingal, Oscar Wilde|
|June 20 4013BC|
|Mordor||10-0||Rohan||Kit-Kat Barad-dûr Complex
|June 20 4013BC|
|Sumeria||0-3||The Shire||The Black Gate Stadium
|Bilbo Baggins, Proudfeet (2)|
Atlantisian fears proved unfounded as they topped the group. Númenor were impressive in parts but it proved not to be. At 0-1 down against Egypt in the opening game in the final minute, the whole team ran away to avoid getting eaten by Shelob. In exactly the same position against Atlantis, they ran away and went 2-0 down, until a fan stopped them, reminding Shelob was not at the game. So they came back and scored 3 last minute goals. It wasn't enough though as they were knocked out. Egypt qualified in second.
|June 14 4013BC|
|Númenor||0-3||Egypt||Minas Morgul Bruce Arena
att. 3 + Shelob
|June 15 4013BC|
|Gondor||0-1||Atlantis||The Black Gate Stadium
|June 18 4013BC|
|Egypt||3-3||Gondor||Sea of Nûrn Bowl
|Thesh (3)||Boromir, Scorpion (o.g.), un-named hero|
|June 19 4013BC|
|Númenor||3-2||Atlantis||Minas Morgul Bruce Arena
|Tar-Menow (3)||Socrates, Zeus|
|June 21 4013BC|
|Egypt||0-2||Atlantis||Sea of Nûrn Bowl
|June 21 4013BC|
|Gondor||4-4||Númenor||The Black Gate Stadium
|Faramir, Boromir (2), Mir Space Station||Tar-Menow (3), Tar-Road|
The winner of one group played the runner up of the other in the Semi Finals.
Semi Final 1
|June 24 4013BC|
|Mordor||2-2||Egypt||Kit-Kat Barad-dûr Complex
|Urtz, King Kong||6-5 on pens||Thesh (2)|
Sauron ruled himself out of this match with a niggling hand injury (he had landed on his ring whilst celebrating his tenth goal in the previous game). Mordor were heavily pressured but managed to reach a penalty shoot out despite Thesh scoring his eight goal of the tournament with his eight shot of the tournament in the 88th minute.
Despite Tiu scoring a perfectly legitimate last minute winner for Egypt with a header, it was ruled out (England had the same trouble 6017 years later at Euro 2004. And still goalline technology hasn't been introduced). Instead the game went to penalties and after a miss on the 7th penalty by Scorpion, Mordor's goalkeeper Rock'ard-o buried the winner sending the home nation to the final.
Semi Final 2
|June 25 4013BC|
|Atlantis||1-3||The Shire||The Black Gate Stadium
|Aristotle||Frodo Baggins (3)|
Despite Aristotle giving the islanders the lead it was in vain as the superb Frodo Baggins scored a second hat-trick which sent the Hobbits into the final. An aftermath of this is Zeus, captain of the Atlantis team, sunk the island on the next day, unhappy with his teammates performances. Just think, if Frodo wasn't around on that day, Atlantis could still exist now.
Third Place Play-off
The third place play-off was played on June 28, and won by Egypt.
|June 28 4013BC|
|Egypt||4-1||Atlantis||Kit-Kat Barad-dûr Complex
Considering the whole Atlantis team had drowned bar Zeus, 4-1 wasn't a bad result. However in a great show of tactical nous by Zeus (poet, know it, etc.), the Egyptians kept getting caught offside. But in the end Zeus gave up and walked off back into his home in the sky leaving an open goal. Egypt thus won the game and ended the tournament in third place.
Halflings of all kinds were banned from the slopes of Mount Doom as Sauron did his best to ensure a full Mordor-supporting crowd. In the end over 66 million orcs, a few chavs and the odd eagle descended on the stadium. As the game was played in the crater and all the fans were on the sides, giant TV screens were set up to ensure everyone had a good view.
The first half
The Shire folk started feebly, mainly because every time one of their players had the ball, Sauron's eye would glare at them and they would be temporarily blinded. In the confusion, Mordor went 6-0 up in the first 5 minutes thanks to goals from various orcs. However half-baked, half-witted, halfling Half Halflong had the idea to shine a mirror at the eye to reflect the glare back at it. This worked and Sauron's eye was out of action for a while. With no off putting light, and the orcs utterly lost without a leader, 'the boys' started to play a bit, with the ever brilliant Mr. F. Baggins bagging 5 goals over the rest of the half, while Bilbo and Meriadoc both grabbed 2 each to give the Shire folk a 9-6 half time lead.
Mordor 6 – 9 The Shire various orcs (6) Frodo Baggins (5), Bilbo Baggins (2), Meriadoc Brandybuck (2)
The second half
It was very evenly balanced second half for a while whilst Sauron's eye began to power up. After a healthy mieal of eyedrops mixed with cherubim and seraphim, the eye began to glare at the hobbits, although not as brightly. This wasn't too bad but then Halflong fell on his mirror and it broke. With the glare getting to them again, the hobbits conceded 3 late goals to take the game to extra time.
Mordor 9 – 9 The Shire various orcs (9) Frodo Baggins (5), Bilbo Baggins (2), Meriadoc Brandybuck (2)
Sauron decided the game had to be put beyond doubt, despite his injuries. So he went into the elevator in the tower only to find it was 'in maintanence'. Hurriedly changing into his kit whilst running down the endless flight of stairs, he arrived out onto the pitch with two minutes to go to see that the score was 11-9 to the hobbits, thanks to goals from Peregrin Took and Fatty Lumpkin.
Mordor 9 – 11 The Shire various orcs (9) Frodo Baggins (5), Bilbo Baggins (2), Meriadoc Brandybuck (2), Peregrin Took, Fatty Lumpkin
But despite being injured Sauron quickly set up two goals and as the cave troll raised the injury time board (1 minute) Sauron ghosted down the pitch. All the hobbits were cast aside by the immense power of the ring which left Sauron up against the goalkeeper, Lobelia Sackville-Baggins. 'AND SAURON MUST SCORE!' screamed the commentator. However, at that moment, a remarkable turn of events took place.
Firstly, Sauron shot, and in slow motion the ball appeared to be heading for the back of the net. But suddenly, Aragorn (I bet you were wondering when he would appear in this article) took off his orc disguise and leapt from the crowd clutching the shards of Narsil. It looked as if the events of 7030BC (Elendil, Isildurrrr etc.) were to be repeated. The ball headed past the goalkeeper into the top corner and Sauron reeled away in celebration with his shirt over his head. Unable to see, he tripped and fell over his mace and Aragorn pounced, claiming the One Ring as his own. Thus befell the end of the Axis of evil and the end of the Third Age of Middle Earth. The orcs were scattered and Mount Doom exploded in a frenzy of hell, fire, and the Stone Roses. The Shire team escaped on the backs of eagles (Don Henley leading the pack). The trophy could not be offered as the whole Mordor team had perished. However, the cup was still awarded to Mordor.
|June 29 4013BC|
|Mordor||12-11||The Shire||Mount Doom
|various orcs (11), Sauron||9-9 at 90 mins||Frodo Baggins (5), Bilbo Baggins (2), Meriadoc Brandybuck (2), Peregrin Took, Fatty Lumpkin|
Thus Mordor were the winners of the tournament, their first title.
The Golden boot was won by Pharoah Thesh (google him, he actually is real) of Egypt, with 12 goals, one ahead of Sauron.
- Thesh (Egypt)- 12 goals
- Sauron (Mordor)- 11 goals
- Frodo Baggins (The Shire)- 9 goals (plus 6 in qualifying)
The old news reel clips of the tournament were supposed to have been made into a film (to be titled Lord of the Rings), but this in fact was never made, and when it was, it missed out Tom Bombadil altogether.
The story of the tournament can be found in the final pages of the special edition of the Silmarillion, chronicled by J.R.R. Tolkein. This edition is so special it has never been seen by human eyes. It was also written in the Red Book of Doom, Gloom and Parties:My Story, the autobiography of Sam Gamgee.
The commentary line "And Sauron must score" was later stolen by commentator Peter Jones for the 1983 FA Cup final. He was later sued for plagiarism and worked in the Brighton FC canteen for the rest of his life.
The Official World Cup Anthem, "One Swastika '13BC" was later adopted by comedians Frank "Wank" Skinner and David "Deal or no deal" Baddiel and released under the cunningly changed title "Three Lions".