Complete History of the World
“OK. THAT would be a MOVIE. WE are learning about REALITY.”
Following is the Complete History of the World, as approved by the powers that be.
Chapter II: Intermittent Stuff Between Genesis and Ancient Greece
“The Bible doesn't promote killing innocent people, Grand Theft Auto does. Islam does”
1. Cain and Abel
After Adam and Eve's fall from grace, which ends the story of the first nudist colony, they put on clothes, grovelled in the dirt, and eventually produced the twins Sweet Cain and Abel Ready 'n Willing to support them in their old age.
Cain and Abel lived together harmoniously at first, with Cain going into agriculture and Abel into shepherding, allowing Adam and Eve to eat well. However, it came time to offer God some presents, and Cain offered him a vegetarian meal, while Abel offered him a steak dinner. Guess what? God snubbed Cain's offering for Abel's, pissing Cain off and causing him to decide to kill Abel, becoming the first male college roommate love triangle in history.
And so, come the next morning, Cain invited Abel out for a walk, promptly ably killing him with his cane. God, the Ultimate RoboCop, who saw it all, decided that a lightning bolt was too good for him, and that the only appropriate punishment would be to wander the Earth forever, without his cane (did I mention he was bow-legged, club-footed and lame after catching his foot in a reaper?).
After a long boring series of begats, the story of Noah (AKA Dr. No) of Crab Key begins.
Noah was born with skin as white as snow, and after all the begatting he was the only moral person left in a world of lecherous greedy murderous slime, like our modern-day world. God, pissed off at sin not just inside but outside the Garden of Eden, decided that expulsion to Venus was too good for them, and mass drowning of vermin without trial or due process was called for, a typical example of his reason and justice. However, since he still wanted to be amused by humans, he ordered Noah to construct Noah's Ark with help from Gomer Pyle and the U.S. Marine Corps, and rounded up breeding pairs of every air-breathing species to stock it with, and cut Noah a little slack by allowing his sons and wives to board with the livestock to repopulate the Earth.
God gave Noah 100 years to do it, and he needed it, losing decades with court fights with rights groups protesting his exclusion of same-sex animal couples on the Ark, and the Environmental Protection Agency, which forced him to spend millions filing an environmental impact statement.
But the job got done, and God promptly pulled the Big Toilet Handle and flooded the Earth, causing the former critics eat shit and try to climb on board, only to see God himself close the door with his Big Finger, flipping them the Holy Bird.
After sailing without a rudder, oar or sails for a year to make sure that all the corpses were past the stinking stage, the Ark landed on Mount Ararat, where it remains to this day, just look it up on Virtual Earth.
You would think that after all that, nobody would ever sin again. But within years Noah himself was planting vineyards and hashish, and getting stoned and drunk, until he was caught masturbating in his tent by his son Ham, who laughed at the old man for having such a small penis (which explains his high moral stand, but nobody was supposed to know that), angering Noah, who cursed him, causing him to instantly turn black (with help from God, probably), after which God cursed Ham's descendants to always have to slave for rich old Jews, along with the goyim.
Later, after the Earth was repopulated again, and the buggers went right back to their lecherous ways, God burnt to the ground the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah to stop sodomy and gomorrahy. (Don't ask how Hollyweird can thrive today, they pay Satan off.)
Chapter III.V: Feudal Japan
During this period the Wangda-Banga-Chang-Zang pact of 400 B.C. was still in affect so Emperor Who-Ha-gangda-hanga-Wangda the XVIII Decided that The Japs should declare war on pitates causing the great rice war of 1323.
Chapter III: The History of Ancient Greece: Philosophical, Democratic, and Culinary
“In Greece wise men speak and fools decide.”
The next great breakthrough in Western civilization was the glorious civilization of Ancient Greece, the inventor of philosophy, music, nude sculpture, athletics (nude of course), Greek love and lesbianism, also ouzo, goat cheese, democracy and My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
Of course, as with later European civilization, ancient Greece did not arrive at the absolute summit of enlightenment without a religious foundation, not the screwed-up Hebrew Bible, but the way cooler Iliad and Odyssey, by Home Boy, AKA Homer.
The Iliad and The Odyssey, written in the 9th century B.C., was filled with great action scenes and a wee bit of gay love. The plot, chronicling the epic conflict between two major condom manufacturers, centers on Achilles, a warrior who narrowly escaped being being charbroiled and eaten by his mother Thetis, then ran away to become immortal for boning and kicking Trojan butt. Remarkably enduring, The Iliad was refilmed for the 38th time in 2004 starring Brad Peachpit and Eric Banana, who did the wild thing out in the front lines so everybody could watch.
Homer, the greatest poet in history until Dr. Seuss, was only one of Greece's many major intellectual figures, because Greece was bustling with brainy dudes wearing robes and sandals who did nothing for a living, including Socrates (who people still talk about despite the fact he spent most of his time asking stupid questions like "Wwhy does the moon pale in midnight's eve?" and "How are babies made?"), Pythagoras (who, despite being a self-proclaimed advocate of logic brought on his own death via an irrational fear of corn fields and the eating of beans), and Aristotle (who invented the syllogism).
Speaking of syllogisms, they became the basis of all Western rational thinking, which explains why the West is so screwed up. A typical example: "My stapler is red. The sky in an apocalyptic drawing made by a kindergartner is red. Therefore, my stapler will fill the sky in an apocalyptic world."
Greece was actually many city-states, such as Sparta, Poughkeepsie and Moscow, but the one that gained the most fame was Athens, the first place where guys with long beards and no visible means of support could enjoy being in the in-crowd. From this city came the beginnings of democracy in 507 B.C. under Cleisthenes, who spearheaded a revolt against dictatorship, not for himself alone, but "in partnership with the people". Athenian Democracy was a new form of government far superior to any that had come before it, as it allowed for the people, namely, the citizens to have a voting say in governmental affairs, excluding of course women, slaves, the poor, Jews, blacks, aliens, or those resisting sexual advances made by the aristocrats (red-haired people had their difficulties too). It works by locking the voters in a room together until they find a topic they disagree over, then argue about it for weeks without resolution, until they get tired and go home. This replaces the long history of monarchs who can make instant decisions that cost thousands of lives with a new system that acomplishes nothing and retains the status quo.
Chapter IV: Alexander the Great
“[He] must be too mean-spirited to get contentment from sitting by a woman.”
Alas, Athenian democracy, regardless of its perfection of the Peter Principle, did not last, as by 340 B.C. Philip II of Macedonia had swept through, crushing the city-states and unifying them into one collective nation. However, in 336 B.C., just as he was getting somewhere, Philip II was killed by his gay bud Pausanias over a misunderstanding at a tupperware party.
Enter his son and heir Alexander III the Great. Tutored by Aristotle from birth, Alexander was renowned by the age of 18 for his desire to bone his mother and for his boundless ego, caused by Aristotle pumping him while telling him that he was "probably the son of Zeus" at age 8, arrived at by his famous syllogism: "Zeus has a white beard. Philip II is Alexander's father, and he also has a white beard. Therefore, there is at least a 50/50 chance Alexander is the son of Zeus." (You know when I tickle your belly and you have that moment of "Oh, yeah"?)
Too bad, his colleagues in the army all considered him a flagrant imbecile, and their beliefs were validated during his invasion of Persia, when he spontaneously decided after a night of drunken partying to burn down Persepolis, a city containing the ancient world's finest architecture. Given that cities in Persia were pillaged every second weekend or so, still, wouldn't you expect more from someone who has been labeled "the Great"? That's why the first use of the epithet was made by Roman general Pompey two hundred-odd years later so he could apply it to himself.
On June 11th, 323 B.C., while trying to round up an army to invade India, Alexander croaked of malaria in the foul town of Baghdad, leaving no heir to take over his sprawling empire of blonde butt-boning Greeks, causing chaos as his four main generals split it four ways and caused the Age of the Bleached Blondes to begin.
Chapter V: Jesus and Rome, With No Particular Emphasis on the Former
“Rome wasn't unbuilt in 15 minutes.*”
- I actually made this quote up.
Following the fall of Greece, questions began to arise among the intelligentsia as to which nation would eventually fill the shoes of the great superpower. While the smart money in Vegas was on China, India, or Parthia (Afghanistan, home of Osama Bin Laden), it actually turned out to be darkhorse Rome, a small city founded by two handicapped retarded twins, Romulus and Remus, who grew up sucking wolf tit, which shriveled their brains.
Many cities today share descent from ancient Rome. Chief among these is Washington D.C., the capital of the United States. Rome was originally built on seven hills, the 7th (Capitol Hill) used as a prison to quarantine nut cases, like Washington D.C.'s Capitol Hill today.
Rome got off to a slow start, but since this was ancient history they could take all the time they wanted. Romulus, the eldest of the two retards, actually founded the city as a practical joke, becoming another proof of Aristotle's famed theoretical formula that states that when moronic people attempt to do moronic things their stupidity tends to backfire and lead to greatness.
Also according to Aristotle's formula, the Roman Senate was regularly filled with the dumbest citizens of Rome, or those who lost their licenses and were still on the road.
At first satisfied with their seven shitty hills, the Romans eventually decided to strike out and build the Roman Empire. A few hundred years later, Julius Caesar became the Man, not only popular with aristocrats but with commoners for inventing the Caesar Salad and the Caesarian Section so that thin runway models could have children too, and all those fat women could be dispensed with, although this later led to Roman soldiers becoming weak skinny whimps that were no match for the German and other barbarians.
Around this time, Rome's greatest writer Virgil was born. In the ancient world, based on the Greek example, everyone who was unemployed was either a philosopher or a poet, and, as philosophers still had to teach two classes a week at the Academy, Virgil decided to become a poet. The Aeneid, his magnum opus, was shamelessly plagiarized from The Iliad, for which God sent him to Hell, where he was put in charge of giving tours of the Underworld, as documented in Dante's Inferno, where he became famous for the soundbyte that he thought Satan would look "scarier in person."
The all-too brief period of peace and prosperity enjoyed under Julius Caesar was abruptly ended on the Ides of March of 44 B.C., when Brutus and a bunch of other jealous senators assassinated him, leading to the division of Rome into two parts by a pair of wannabe Caesars, Marc Antony and Octavian. Marc Antony, who coulda been a contender screwed up by allowing Cleopatra to pussywhip him, allowing Octavian to defeat him at Actium in 30 B.C., then after getting him out of the way, rise to power in 27 B.C. as the first Roman emperor, reinstating the Roman Senate as a stage show while he pulled all the strings, making him the first Godfather.
Just as Augustus' reign got into high gear, a pesky little historical event occurred in a remote part of the Empire: the birth of Jesus Christ. Yes, we're back to the Bible, but this time it's Bible II: The New Testament, as after all these years the Jewish Writers Union decided to try a comeback after being on the Hollywood Blacklist long enough to be ready to push anything that would sell, no matter how crappy.
The Jesus Story starts out like any Hebrew prophet, railing against the Jews for falling out of the True Faith of Jehovah and being plotted against by the power structure, religious and civil. His main activity was to wander around the streets of Jerusalem handing out homemade signed cards which he claimed were good for the redemption of either three venial sins or one mortal sin, only one shekel donation required. In addition, he regularly preached to crowds of onlookers, claiming to be the Son of God, the punch line being that his mother was the best whore in Israel, pimping her for big shekels, which infuriated the Jewish religious authorities, who never received a kickback. When asked at the time, God declined to comment, though he did request that his name not be associated with Jesus anymore, leaving it to his Jewish priests to finish him off.
In light of God's request and Jesus' "dine-and-dash" approach toward paying the bill for the Last Supper, the Jews decided that he had to go, and after a bunch of conspiracy theorists' stuff, procurator Pontius Pilate (the Roman general appointed to keep the peace in Jerusalem) ordered Jesus executed for treason. However, as the books composing the New Testament were later picked by Romans during the Council of Nicea in 325, we may never know what really happened, or who killed Kennedy, a lone gunman or a government conspiracy. Luckily for us moderns, Mel Gibson the noted archaeologist set us all straight with his historical reconstruction titled The Passion of the Christ, in which he proves that he runs the town and all wars were started by the Jews.
Following Augustus' reign, one of Rome's most popular emperors, Nero, came to power. Named after a CD-burning software package by his mother Agrippina, Nero decided early in his reign that it would be a humorous irony for him to burn down one of Rome's largest residential quarters while he fiddled and masturbated in his toga. However, after the public failed to relate to his sense of humor, which had now forced thousands of Romans into vagrancy, Nero quickly reconciled his popularity by blaming the pesky Christians and constructing a large theme park in the burned area, lit by Christian human torches.
Aside from being a total pinhead, like the average Roman citizen, Nero was also widely praised for his decision to appoint his favourite horse to the Senate, who, when given veto power (by virtue of being able to say "neigh") over which reforms should be introduced, ultimately led Rome to a period of greater prosperity than they had seen in decades. A tactful politician, Nero retained his popularity by regularly feeding pesky Christians to the lions in the Colosseum, which was especially fun to watch when they were young beautiful women.
As he found almost everything funny, Nero is frequently credited with inventing the Yo Momma Joke, which in 68 B.C. led to a revolt among the commoners, who wouldn't stand for insults to their mothers. While it was long thought that Nero was assassinated, an ancient inscription by Suetonius that he "slit his own throat while shaving" has cleared it up.
After Nero's death in well-named 69, a power struggle ensued, resulting in four emperors in one year, followed by a bunch of equally cruddy bumbs succeeding him over four centuries, none of whom are worth mentioning. What really matters, though, is Hadrian's Wall, which, according to historians of ancient Chinese heritage, was supposed to be built to protect China from invading parties. Unfortunately, as the builder commissioned to construct the wall was Irish, he got drunk and built it in Britannia, which to him was China. The lesson learned is don't let an Irishman build your wall, because it might end up 6,000 miles away from where it was intended to be.
As the Roman Empire's power and influence weakened in the 5th century, it quickly became the place for barbarians on the make to hang out and pillage. However, after a particularly bad summer when Rome was sacked a total of 9,000 times by Huns, Visigoths and Ostrogoths (who are the Goths who prefer to ravage cities looking for Astros tickets), the Germanic Visigoth chieftain Odoacer forced the last Roman emperor in the West, Romulus Augustus (AKA Love Bogo), to abdicate, in return for a pension and lots of young boys.
Accepting a permanent shift in the powers-that-be, the Roman Catholic Church, now the largest support group in the world, held a board meeting in Rome before deciding that, in light of the new Northern European supremacy, they would kiss butt while simultaneously dispatching missionaries to their homelands in the hope of converting them to their superstition and recouping much of the capital they had invested in sustaining a slipshod Roman economy. Much to the delight of the Southern European popes, the campaign to culturally assimilate Northern Europe proved wildly successful, so much so that not only was the term "barbarian" adopted in the West as a pejorative term to describe someone who lacks manners, but the barbarians, who had previously been responsible for the destruction of the Roman Empire, would spend the better part of the next 2000 years attempting to recreate it in London, Paris, Moscow and Berlin.
Chapter VI: *Drumroll* The Dark Ages
"What be can say about the Teutonics? They were the n00bs of the cruzades. They were pwn3d manytimes by the Muslims. They worn a not too nice white robe with a black cross, which symbolizes "Hey dude, we are the Templars, really! Ok you get me, the Templars has a red cross, but...We ownz all!" - Darklunius, Internet Gamer
Ranked by Harper's Index as the second least awesome historical era next to the 20th century, the 7th-10th centuries are commonly described by historians as being characterized by disease, scientific regression, and widespread ignorance. On the contrary, the Dark Ages (as they are often called) were one of the most progressive times in human history, not just because they had really nifty stuff like knights, dungeons, dragons, etc., but also because several different remarkably innovative concepts were pioneered during this time, including crop rotation, iron-rich diets, and heavy plows.
In fact, it was not until the time of Petrarch, an Italian poet and early humanist, that people began to look down upon the way in which society was organized in the "Dark Ages". Frankly, in historical retrospect, it's hard to see why Petrarch's opinion was relevant, as all he ever really succeeded in doing was condemning a peaceful pre-modern agricultural society (Western Europe) and learning how to speak Greek, though in his translation of the Iliad the lisping twit actually gargles the manly cadences of the original. Never mind this, though. Petrarch is leading the world into a new age of enlightenment, and Western Europeans are a bunch of monkeys.
Let's review his progress. Western Europeans have the plague and smell bad. Petrarch, by contrast, has the plague, smells bad, and speaks Greek. Wow, I can just feel that Renaissance coming, can't you?
The reality is that, despite what Petrarch thought, Western Europe was a very sophisticated place, with a penchant for the arts and literature which made Renaissance Italy's look pathetic in comparison. Charlemagne, for example, encouraged people to read and write, all the while studying the works of St. Augustine, conquering Europe, getting crowned Holy Roman Emperor and nailing three or four concubines every night. Ever hear of a little thing called Beowulf, Petrarch? Or the poetry of Walafrid Strabo? The stuff he wrote about his garden was so great it was lifted by Tupac.
Several remarkable battles occurred during the Dark Ages, including, perhaps most notably of all, the Crusades, which began in 1095 after Peter the Hermit talked the pope into it, and which won a big victory in 1099 with the capture of Jerusalem, only to face the hard fact that the entire area is run by Muslims and they will eventually reconquer it. After a Muslim victory, a new crop of Crusader dopes in 1145 A.D. were talked into the lamer effort with the promise of a a helmet with a fancy cross on it, marching off to kick Muslim butt and rape Muslim women (later becoming the national sport of the United States), crossing through Spain to the Holy City of Jerusalem, where capturing the Holy Tomb of Christ was supposed to be worth it. Too bad, in 1187 A.D., Saladin recaptured the Holy Land, granting clemency to the Christian army and their families so they could go back to Europe and tell people that it wasn't worth it. Subsequently, the most highly respected thinkers in all of Western Europe held a conference, and decided that if their adult armies could not defeat the Muslims, surely armies comprised entirely of children could. Too bad, the several thousand children sent to fight in the Children's Crusade were all captured long before their arrival in the Middle East, and sent to work as slaves in Africa, later inventing marathon running and basketball.
Another conflict worthy of mention is the one fought in by Joan of Arc, the Hundred Years' War (which, for the record, actually went on 116 years). At the impressionable age of thirteen, Joan began hearing voices, which she attributed too God and his angels, not dissociative identity disorder caused by her pedophile daddy sneaking in at night. The voices told her to go to a nearby church, and therein beneath the altar find a sword. Sure enough, as knights at the time would leave swords as offerings, she found a sword, thus proving herself a miraculous prophet who would lead armies to the ultimate victory of France. When commanding her soldiers, Joan went by the unassuming title of "She Who Was Asked By God To Go And Conquer France". She led her men to several great victories before being reminded that she was a Frog, who always lose their wars, after which she promptly surrendered to the British, who proceeded to try her as a witch for dressing like Madonna on the Virgin Tour.
Hopping through the boring stuff...
In 1478 A.D. the Spanish Inquisition began, which, despite being often attributed to the Catholic Church, was actually a ploy by the Spanish monarchy to better their fledgling financial situation by killing Jews and Muslims (whose lives everyone knows are expendable) and confiscating their assets. In this regard, the Inquisition could be viewed in much the same light as the modern War on Terror. Remarkably, the University of Portugal's academic report which suggested that the impoverishment of Europe during the Dark Ages could be curbed simply by murdering tens of thousands of infidels must've been correct, as by 1600 A.D. the majority Europe had entered the Renaissance, an era viewed as superior to the one which preceded it. This perception exists not only because fine rugs began being imported to Europe during this time, but also because widespread literacy caused a plethora of Italian sonnets to be written, not a single one of which is worth reading today, but back then made the Billboard 100.
As the Spanish Inquisition was an act of genocide, a word which is the antithesis of genesis, the point from which this essay began, we will stop here. So goes the huge leaps of progress made by humankind from the year 5,632 B.C. to 1,600 A.D.. Besides, little of interest occurred in the Renaissance, save maybe Henry VIII founding his own religion and becoming his own pope because of a low sperm count.