World War III-XX
|World War III-XX|
|Place: The former Yugoslavia, home to all wars|
|Outcome: Pepsi defeats Coke|
|Pepsi presents; The Democratic Republic of Pepsi sponsored by Pepsi||The Coca-Cola Empire, America's favorite for over 50 years!|
|Czar Harrison Ford||Grand Inquisitor Tom Cruise|
|1 calories!||250,000 refreshed troops|
|Scientists are still trying to invent a number big enough.||Not sure, everyone who keeps records is dead.|
A Tangy, and Refreshing War
World War III-XX, better know as the Coke-Pepsi war, began on September Whenever, 3009. It was a war caused by the imperialist motives for two manufacturers of sweet and delicious soft-drinks. Coca-Cola and Pepsi had always been locked in a fierce rivalry. Tensions reached a boiling point when Pepsi purchased the entire continent of Africa to set up a new country chrisened, "Pepsi Presents; The Democratic Republic of Pepsi Sponsored by Pepsi." Pepsi wanted a new kick ass leader for it's fledgling world power, so the Pepsi corporation hired Harrison Ford to be Czar.
“I gratefully accept the position of Czar within Pepsi Presents; The Democratic Republic of Pepsi Sponsored by Pepsi. I hope to be a cooler African despot than Idi Amin. But, I played Han fucking Solo, so everything should work out.”
Pepsi's annex of of Africa alarmed the Coca-Cola company, who had recently annexed Asia to set up a Coca-Cola empire in preparation for the soft-drink's attack on all mankind. Coke lobbyists called Pepsi's appointment of Harrison Ford "A blatant rip-off of our sweet ass idea." Coke had hired Tom Cruise to be Grand Inquisitor of Asia following the annex. Cruise's short, crazy ass was pretty pissed off too.
“The creation of the Pepsi nation is obviously the work of Xenu. DAMN THAT XENU! I LOVE THAT WOMEN! Bloo-ba gaa mooki zab”
Nontheless, the two liquid supplements continued their expansion. Pepsi seized control of Europe, Coke retaliated by counquering North and South America. Although Coke was outdone again when Pepsi successfully annexed Antarctica. Luckily for Pepsi, Chuck Norris, the continent's former rular was visiting another plane of existence looking for inter-dimensional creatures to dominate. Czar Harrison Ford ordered that Antarctica be turned into the World's biggest refrigerator, where all of his commenwealth's Pepsi was kept cold and refreshing. Coke attempted set up a similar opperation in the Northern third of the former Canada, but the Coke cans were all stolen and used as lighter fluid by the local Yeti population. The enraged Coke invaded the previously neutral Middle East, which shared a border with the Pepsi territories of Pepsi Twist (formally Europe) and Diet Pepsi (formally Africa). The region's oil is a key ingredient in Pepsi and Coke officials hopped that the occupation would financially cripple the Pepsi regime. The enraged Harrison Ford contacted his old collage roommate Osama Bin Laden who agreed to launch a terrorist attack against The Coca-Cola Empire, Americas favorite for over 50 years! Bin Laden's plan involved sneaking several barrels of Cyanide into the Coke manufacturing plant in Baghdad and dumping the deadly poison into the Coke mixing vats. However, this plan failed due to the fact that Cyanide is Coke's secret ingredient and the excess poison became diluted in the already toxic substance. Bin-Laden was captured by Coke flavor-troopers while trying to escape. He was brought before Grand Inquisitor Tom Cruise himself. Cruise threatened to force feed Bin Laden new vanilla Coke if he did not reveal the identity of the man who hired him. The terrified bin-Laden confessed the guilt of Harrison Ford and ten seconds later, Cruise declared war on Pepsi Presents; The Democratic Republic of Pepsi Sponsered by Pepsi.
World War III-XX was one of the bloodiest wars in soft drink history. Coca-Cola and Pepsi are two of the deadliest compounds on earth and were weaponized by the warring refreshments. The first battle of World War III-XX took place in the contested border slum of Tangyville. The Pepsi 0 Calories Corps were the first to hear that war was declared and immediately began filling their super soakers with Pepsi Twist. The Corps than took to the Tangyville streets, intent on killing every Coke patriot they could find. The first casualty of the war was actually a civilian, Mr. Jerry Springer, a Tangyville resident was carrying home a case of Coke, the sole beverage of all Coke Empire citizens under pain of death. He was spotted and cornered by a group of five 0 Calorie commandos, who procceded to hose the talk show host down with deadly Diet Pepsi. Springer was literally dissolved by the corrosive substance. However a patrolling Coke Crispness Ranger heard Springer's screams and radioed the Coca-Cola garrison commander, who deplloyed elite Flavor Troopers to destroy the Pepsi menace. The ensuing battle lasted for several grueling secounds as every soilder on both sides was thoroughly sprayed with deadly cola. Although there are no survivors to tell us of the battle for Tangyville, it is assumed Coke won because they last soilder to die from Cherry Pepsi microorganisms devouring his brain was a Coke Flavor Trooper.
Violence! Death! Destruction! Doom! Hooray!
The war spread faster than the black death. The day after the Tangyville incident, fighting erupted on the Russian front with Coke attempting to invade Pepsi Twist (formally Europe) and Pepsi trying to invade Vanilla Coke (formally Asia). Trillions died as Coke and Pepsi cans were lobbed from the two armies parallel trenches. However, winter soon blew in and the carnage ground to a screeching halt as the armie's cola surpluss froze solid. The soldiers tried throwing frozen cola balls at each other, but unfortunately no one died. The frustrated officers called for a temporary truce and convined to decide how to decide who wins the battle. Field Marshall Fu Manchu of the Coke army suggested a Dungeons and Dragons tournament. The idea was accepted by Manchu's peers.
“THIS IS MY MECCA! HA HA HA HA HA HA !”
The battle was won by Pepsi forces when private Mick Jagger rolled a seven on the wound chart and swung his ogre lord's plus three battle axe through a elf shamen's enchanted helm with six damage points. Meanwhile back in the Pepsi capital of Brittney Spears City, Czar Ford had conncocted a plan to overthrow Coke governor Ebeneezer Scrooge, ruler of Cherry Coke and New Coke (formally North and South America). Pepsi Presents; The Democratic Republic of Pepsi Sponsered by Pepsi sent two million Tasty Bucks to fund a Pepsi sympathetic group of guerillas in the Americas know as The Sierra Mist Army. The plan succeeded when The Sierra Mist Army stormed the Coke government buildings and took Scrooge hostage. The Imperial Coca-Cola government was forced to pay ten billion Crisp Dollars ransome. Scrooge was released to the Coke capital of Satisfaction, Original Formula (formally Asia). When he arrived, he was promptly killed by New Coke armed thugs working for Grand Inquisitor Cruise.
The Crisp and Delicious Purge
The war was not going well for The Coca-Cola Empire, America's Favorite for Over 50 Years! The colonial possessions of Cherry and New Coke had fallen into Pepsi hands. Even Original Formula was in danger as the Pepsi army on the Russian front was reinforced by over 2,000 cans and was advancing on Satisfaction. In addition, Queen Katie Holmes left Tom Cruise for Bruce Campbell. Cruise's paranoia and insanity rose to even higher levals as he attempted a desperate invasion of Australia, which had been untouched because it was Vin Diesels private domain. No man from the Coke expeditionary force to Australia ever returned and it is widly assumed that the force was made Vin Diesel's bitch then eaten. Cruise also began to suspect that there were traitors in his administration. On April 77, 4122, Tom Cruise announced his plans for "A Crisp and Delicious Purge" in which the traitors would be "Refreshingly eliminated." The next day, Cruise's elite Refreshment Squad took to the streets of Satisfaction, rounding up thosands of people at random. These people were taken to the great Coca-Cola mixing vats which were opperated by Pepsi POW's and drowned in the Coke, their bodies pulverized by the mixers. Soon, the Coke with bits of people inside was released to the general public under the title "Improved Formula Coca-Cola."
“It's people! Improved Formula Coca-Cola is people!”
The Crisp and Delicious Purge increased Grand Inquisitor Cruise's approval rating to unheard of levals among Coke citizens who didn't want to die. However, among suicidal citizens, his approval rating was 0%. This might seem weird, like why would they not approve of Cruise if they like his killing? But, remember the Coca-Cola Empire was a totallitarian government, so anyone who didn't approve was killed. So this all makes sense, in a really fucked up backwards sort of way.
Two Fat Guys End the War
Throughout the war, Pepsi flavor specialists had been developing a new super weapon for use against the Coke army. This weapon, known as the "Obese Man" was completed and armed on May 44.5, 4123. The Obese Man was essentially a terrifying new bomb in which a fat dude was dropped on his target from great hights. the ensuing shockwaves and blubber explosion cause more damage than the original atom bomb. On May 44.75, Czar Harrison Ford sent an ultimatem to Grand Inquisitor Tom Cruise; surrender, or the terrifying new weapon will be used. Cruise failed to comply. On June pi, Fat Albert was dropped on the Coke industrial center of Fizzy.
“Hey! Hey! Hey! I'll destroy you today!”
The city was instantly incinerated. Cruise still refused to give in to Ford's demands. So, on June 666, Chris Farley was dropped on Satisfaction itself. Cruise was killed in this incedent, and the Coca-Cola Empire, America's Favorite for Over 50 Years! surrendered. Pepsi was now the world's ruling power, at least until Chuck Norris gets back from the Eighth Dimension.
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