World War IX

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World War IX

War began: 2212
War finished: 2214
Place: The World
Result: Al Whore
Impacts of War: Global Warming, Destruction of internets and everything
Fighting parties of War
None At All

“I've covered this war.”

~ Frank West on World War 9

“In Soviet Russia, World War 9 covers YOU!!”

~ Russian reversal on the above quote

WW IX lasted from 2212 until 2214. The shortest World War ever!

Worse still is that it followed the ever-popular World War VII. Instead of producing, as would be expected, a World War VIII counter-game, SquareEvil instead released World War IX, a lackluster trading card game based around the plot and (lack of) characters of the original septet. A brief extract of the rules of World War IX follow:

Brief rules of World War IX:

  • Each played must draw ten cards from their deck.
  • At the beginning of their turn, players are allowed to place cards face down on the table, move cards that are face down diagonally or move cards that are face up horizontally.
  • The opponent may then attempt to use a utility card such as Whipped Cream to surround the card, forcing it to surrender.
  • Twenty one dice must then be rolled to confer the useless of the confliction tactic.
  • The number of dice rolled off the desk subtracted from the number of dice eaten by the family Dog is then marked in the Scoring Zone
  • When the Scoring Zone is filled to capacity, the fifteen cards should be laid out in a circle on the table.
  • The opponent must then guess which players total statistics are not the highest.
  • Every tenth turn, water must be poured over the table to ensure the texture of the cards remains constant.
  • The players token must move around the board anti-anti-clockwise until they reach the Apex.
  • At the Apex, players may draw up to five cards and displace up to three cards from the opponents Playing Zone.
  • At any time, a player may choose to drive a miniature remote controlled humvee over the table. Any cards which fall off the table must then immediately be eaten by the opponent.
  • Game ends when both players lose.

There is however, one situation where one player can in fact, win the game. to do this, one player has to attack the other players underbelly for maximum damage.

Even the greatest contributors to the WWIX ruleset, David 'Dangerous' Duchovny, 'Big' Jesus and Jon 'Backstabber' Stewart, couldn't understand a lick of it, and manufacture of the cards was ceased circa 1992.

Incidentally, being one of the major rule set contributors, 'Big' Jesus was thrilled to have his likeness portrayed as a World War IX card. In his honour, Jesus's stats were weighted so he became one of the most powerful World War IX cards that it is possible to get from a 'standard' WWIX booster pack. (Later unofficial WWIX boosters featured various unsightly nude shots of Duchovny as the leading card series)

While fears that the war's starter, SquareEvil, was losing their touch, World War X was released and everyone was happy.

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