World War XII
American troops preparing to battle Nuck Chorris.
|Conflict: World War XII|
|Date: 2243-2247 (any combat) 2245-2247 (major powers involved)|
|German-American Alliance||LAC Triumvirate
“... and that way our world doesn't have to be fucked up!”
“Reincarnation of a second reincarnation? Hell, let's do it!”
World War XII was originally intended just to be a re-enactment of the vaunted World War V. A group of dedicated re-enactors in 2243 decided that they wanted to re-enact World War V with real weapons firing real bullets and really die in the process. However, they realized that this would be a course of action likely to screw up the world of the 2240's, and, not wanting to spoil it for everyone else, they came up with a simple solution: buy/build a large time machine, bring all of the retractors (22.3 million of them) back to the 2060's where the real World War V was taking place, time stop all of the 2060-ans, fight the war, and hope that they don't notice. Now this was all fine until during the second year of the re-enactment a brilliant Lebanese politician named Omar Diab decided that this would be a great way to solve real-world disputes without messing up the current world and immediately declared "past war" on Antartica. Lebanon, Antarctica, and Cambodia (no one knows why they joined) sent their armies back to the time-stopped 2060's, immediately conscripted all surviving re-enactors who were currently re-fighting the battle of Saint Louis, and fought their own war. However, back in the 2240's, more disputes were cropping up.
The War Develops
In 2245, the Lebanese began strategic economic sanctions against Germany regarding the importation of cedar and Islamicmilitants (Lebanon's only real exports), and the Germans responded by summoning the reincarnation of the second reincarnation of Hitler, who immediately used his Fuhrer powers to mobilize the German war machine. Instead of being sensible and destroying Lebanon (whose armies were all in the 2060's) Hitler drove his Panzer tanks and Panzergrenadiers and Panzerschreks and Panzerfausts (but no actual panzers) back to the 2060's and began a blitzkrieg for the seventeenth reich. He then immediately built "Fuhrerbunker Mk.II" and hid. Preparations for an immediate blitzkrieg campaign began.
The Battle of East Luxembourg
On January 5, 2245 (time in a time-stop zone has no meaning, relevance, or curly fries) the German and Cambodian armies met in East Luxemborg and immediately began a massive game of badminton. The game, which had no moderators was declared a contact sport by the Germans. This led to a gradual escalation of the game's intensity until finally one of the Cambodian laser turrets shot a German player. The Germans tank-rushed the Cambodians, stole the shuttlecock, and drove them clear to the Alps. There at last the Lebanese Air Force dropped their secret weapon on the Germans, Nuck Chorris. Ignoring his previous affiliations, Nuck Chorris instantly defeated the Germans, and the battle was over. The Third Germasn Wehrmacht was pushed back into southern France, never a good spot to be if you want to fight a war, and were driven back by relentless attacks on two fronts, effectively ending the German presence ion Western Europe for the next several years.
The War in Africa
In 2244, Enkiye Yafaza, Emperor Supremo of Uganda, declared that he was in the war but that this forces were on no one's side. He immediately ordered his soldiers to begin a massive orgy in 2060's Africa, prompting a quick response from the Germans, who wanted in on the action.The Second Wehrmacht was promptly renamed the "Deustche Afrika Korps v.2" and sent to combat the (perceived) threat. Despite a total lack of support and laughable marketing approach, the DAK v.2 managed to win a series of stunning victories which led to Uganda's High Command falling into the hands of hostile, gay, and extremely sexually aggressive jungle tribes. The Emperor Supremo was repeatedly butt-raped, to the point of death. It was only after his death that all learned he was both non-black and communist. How he had managed to keep it hidden so long remained a mystery because of his death. Uganda was laughed at as a result until the onset of World War XIII.
Nuck Chorris' Assault
At this point the Third German Wermacht was almost completely destroyed with a few stragglers retreating south through Italy. Hitler decided that he neede some true inspiration on how to run the war, so he summoned the Spirit of Chaos, better known as the spirit of George W. Bush. bush immediately authorized a troop surge and the Cambodians were beaten back. The Americans, at first reluctant to enter a war commanded on one side by any incarnation of Hitler, now were irresistibly compelled to enter the war on Germany's side. It has been estimated that every human and the majority of armadillos from the State of Texas immediately time warped to the 2060's to side with Bush. With an influx of new soldiers, the First and Fourth Wehrmachts began campaigns in Finland, attempting to root out Antarctican resistance. Meanwhile, as an effort by Nuck Chorris to secure 2060's Cambodia was under way, a cunning Texan, Colonel Frank McClintock, took three battalions of Waco cultists (they have better guns than the military) and set a trap to finish Nuck Chorris off once and for all. His forces literally filled the air with bullets, sent in suicide bombers, issued a search warrant against themselves just to get police assistance, and holed up in Mt. Carmel version two, but it was not enough to stop Nuck Chorris's onslaught. The few survivors committed suicide. Cambodia was mostly destroyed in the process.
End of the War
Desperate for a victory in the war, the American-German alliance turned over control of their armies to nerdy RTS players. Success seemed imminent, as most of the nerds had more military "training" than three generals combined. In fact, major victories were won in Mexico, Patagonia, and the Ukraine. That is, until their newest recruit was actually a WoW player. Dismayed that his army contained no level-70 Paladins, or indeed, no Paladins at all. He was sent to invade the Vatican, but Pope John Paul XIV gave control of his army to Jimi Hendrix who used purple haze to confuse the already disoriented sword-wielding soldiers of the American-German army. As more and more forces were sent to reinforce the position assaulting the Vatican, other Cambodian-Lebanese-Antarctican forces attacked on the flanks. The war finally ended with no change at the Vatican front as anti-war protesters in 2247 finally convinced the governments to recall their forces and end the time-stop. The war ended with no arguments solved and all soldiers pissed, as well as both sides remaining mad at each other; this would very indirectly lead to World War XIX. F*%#ing hippies.
The majority of the losses in the war were sustained by the LAC Triumvirate, as they suffered major catastrophes both in the beginning and late middle of the war. However, their greater combined forces plus the final bogging down of the German-American Alliance troops during the siege of the Vatican contributed to the draw resolution. Retrospectively, ordinance planted or forgotten in the time-stop may have contributed to deaths in World War V that otherwise may not have occurred- this is however impossible to verify due to the chaotic nature of the war. Cambodia's retrospective disappearance also cannot really be counted, because at least 85% of the people reappeared with their country and Cambodia in the 2060s had resorted to non-Euclidean geometry in order to keep records. No one cares about the Asians anyway.
Time Continuity Issues
This war is classified as World War XII because it technically started in 2243 and ended in 2247, after World War XI but before XIII . This is despite the fact that the selfish bastards refused to fight on their own planet. There are no confirmed dates of exactly when in the 2060's most battles occurred, partially because
- A. No one bothered to check
- B. As aforementioned, there is no time in a time stop, and
- C. Even though we know it took place during World War V in the 2060's, World War V spanned the whole decade and more.
- D. All the original re-enactors who may have known were dead by 2245
Also, this war is generally blamed for Cambodia's four-month disappearance in 2063.
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