World War XV

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World War XV was a massive conflict fought between the Ninjedi and the Illuminati. It ran from 2901 to 2923, although the time machine set battles in other times. It was at first fought secretly by means of small underground skirmishes and/or D&D Campaigns. Sometimes, if direct human contact was impossible, Starcraft would be used instead. No rush 5 min. These small battles occurred on and off from 1931-2867, but eventually burst into full fledged nuclear war when both groups became global super powers at the Geneva III Convention of 2868. WWXV was finally resolved by the second coming of Jesus.

Causes[edit]

The entire incident began in 1892, when the Illuminati invented solid fertilizer. They planned to use this fertilizer to monopolize the farming industry and enslave the human race by including mind control chemicals, derived from some sort of watthefukiate alloy. However, other leading scientists believe an active cheese blend (most likely some sort of Nachosium and Mozzerellium compound) is the secret ingredient. Incidently, in their secret underground base on the planet Urth, the Ninjedi were developing solid fertilizer of their own. Unlike the evil Illuminati, they wanted to merely further the agricultural stability of the galaxy. The resultant copyright law suit was a media circus, with each party suing the other. As both groups were secret, archaic organizations, everyone with knowledge of the case was inevitably either killed, or forced to make the Kessel Run in 6 parsecs. The case reached the Supreme Court in 1929, where it remained in limbo for many years. A settlement was eventually reached with the help of Chief Justice Jimmy Carter when it reached the Even Supremer Court in 2012. Unfortunately, this appeased no one, because Jimmy Carter just can't win.

Battles[edit]

The overall death toll of the war was 800,674 on the side on the Illuminati and 3 on the side of the Ninjedi. The Illuminati were victorious in every major battle.

Battle of Quiznos[edit]

This battle took place in the bathroom of a Quiznos in Fellatio, Indiana. Ninjedi master Abbu Karreem Abdul Alkazar Jabar Juwu has just finished ordering a toasty sub when he realized he had to take a massive shit. He proceeded to cockslap the clerk, steal a cookie, and slice a ham with his lightsaber before politely asking where the bathroom was. Little did he know, the lavatory in question was actually the entry point to a sacred Illuminati shrine. After clogging up the toliet and battling a cascade of gushing water with his Lightplunger and the force, Abbu Karreem Abdul Alkazar Jabar Juwu was waist deep in feces. Little did he know, flushing the toliet 34 times sucked you into the demi-plane that contained the Illuminati shrine. Seeing their holy relic drenched in jedi poo incited all 40,000 member of the brotherhood to attack the lone warrior.


Final Death toll:

Illuminati - 40,000

Ninjedi - 1 (Abbu Karreem Abdul Alkazar Jabar Juwu accidentally choked on a large solid kernel of his own feces after slaying the last of the Illuminati)

Result - Illuminati Victory, as technically they did not lose the battle site.

Battle of the Basement[edit]

3 Ninjedi masters arrived at Chad "'Lord Zygax'" Johnson's house to campaign against the Illuminati in a Epic level campaign of Dungeons and Dragons based in the Underdark. the party consisted of:

Malkor - Drow - 26 Wizard/16 Nightstalker

Loogihon - Wood Elf - 20 Scout/6 Underdark Guide

Draklar - Dwarf - 16 Fighter/8 Priest

Grunklar - Half-Orc - 26 Fighter

Slllldhrrlst - 26 Prestige Mind-Flayer

with one of the Illuminati acting as the dungeon master. The group encountered 18 cave sprites before being defeated by a lvl 32 Spider Mage. Malkor and Grunklar escaped and were about to fight to the death to determine the winner, before Chad's mom came down and offered everyone brownies. Punch was also served.


Final Death toll:

Illuminati - 700,000

Ninjedi - 0

Result - Stalemate

Battle of 2v2N00bsonlyNorush15Min[edit]

One day while perusing battle.net, Aljo Yarmui Glaxxor McKinnon Veloric came upon a game called NoN00bsNorush5Min. Upon joining he instantly recognized one of his opponents as a member of the nefarious I11um!n4t! clan, based on his user-handle. The ensuing conversation went something like this.

Aljo69: DUDE FUKIN ILLUMNATI FAGS, THE NINJEDI FUCIN PWN UR SHIT

GrassSacK</\[{I11um}]/\>: lol gay jedi noobs fuckin suk. u prolly use protoss and try to use carrs late game heheh

Aljo69: LOL DUDE FUCK U I BET U SUCK YOU MOM OFF

GrassSacK</\[{I11um}]/\>: lol all noobs exactly the same gay noobboobs.

ProtosNig18: What the hell are you guys talking about?

Aljo69: STFU I"M NOT A NOOB UR JUST GAY. STFU FAG, WE"RE TALKING ABOUT STUFF UR TOO GAY TO GET LOL.

GrassSacK</\[{I11um}]/\>: hah yah okay well let the game decide noob and yeah lol protsnigg ur really gay hehehe.

In the end ProtosNig18 ended up declaring hostility on all 3 other players, and defeated them all with a zerg rush before the designated norush-time had expired. Aljo's thriving system of pylons ("DUDE u can't win without lots of pylons!!!") was destroyed by Hydralisks while GrassSacK's SCV armament was quickly decimated by a pulsating pack of Zerglings. Before being defeated GrassSacK</\[{I11um}]/\> exlaimed "yo ur gay just team so every1 can win" before being wiped out.


Final Death toll:

Illuminati - 60,674

Ninjedi - 2

Result - Illuminati Victory

Peace and Consequence[edit]

The war, as stated before, came to an end with the coming of Jesus 2.0. As he would go on to destroy the entirety of the planet using fire and his giant strobe light cannons, along with a limitless supply of Butter Guns, both sides realized they must use the power of Solid Fetilizer together to combat this new foe. However, they were quickly defeated by the mighty Bukkake of our lord and savior, and were forced to bow down to his whims as he remade the galaxy in the image of god.

Jesus 2.0 helped negotiate the Treaty of Paris 2956, which didn't really do anything, because no one actually remembered that it was fertilizer they were fighting about. The Illuminati was stripped of their status as an independent nation and was forced to remain subservent to the Grand Council of Fried Rice, which supplanted the United Nations in 2731 when China took over the world. The Ninjedi were banished back to their planet Urth, and were never heard from again. Considering a large majority of the public were ignorant to the conflict (most attributed the nuclear explosions to the weather, or those "damn Democrats"), this war never actually happened.


This page never happened.

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