World War XVII

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They may be afflicted with Attention Deficit... hey, we should go fly kites. That'd be so awesome! We haven't flown kites, since, like, summer. Hey, summer is when birds come out! Birds are so cool.
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World War XVII
A Long Time Ago (1914 - 1918)
A Galaxy far, far away
Jesus I, Khan, and Luke Skywalker Jesus II and Darth Vader
Steven Colbert II and Gavrilo Principe Elmo's Cousins
Military: 22,132


Military: 2,025, give or take 2 million

Civilian: 1

Draw. By default, Germany loses.


“This war sucks so much compared to mine.”

“I've covered this war.”

~ Frank West on World War XVII

World War XVII (July 28, 1914June 28, 1919) was one of the most epic wars ever, fought primarily between the "Holy Powers" (Jesus I, Stephen Colbert, shit) and the "Divine Powers" (Jesus II, Austria-Hungary, Germany) over many important reasons, the chief one being who were the most skilled golf players. Unlike most wars, few soldiers died on the battlefield. Strangely, most of the casualties were caused by sexually transmitted diseases. Despite the fact all evidence points to Jesus II as being the man who spread the STDs,[1] no formal charges have been brought up against him.

Events Leading to the War[edit]

It began like any other war. Jesus I and Jesus II were playing golf. Like most golf players (not to mention most Jesii), they were very egotistical about their abilities. This was not surprising, considering their "Üβ3Я-1337 H4X0Я PWN1И4T1ØNZ0ЯZ1ИGZ 5K1££Z".[2] It is commonly believed that a bragging contest got out of hand and the two began to bet on who would win.

Most sources declare Jesus I won the bet, but because the only known source that claims this is self-proclaimed "Jesus I propaganda machine" The Bible, it is not truly known what the outcome was. It is agreed, though, that the next night, Jesus II assembled his friends and, after a long musical number announcing their intentions to the entire world,[3] drove out into the night to shoot Jesus I's homies Tupac and Biggie. This act angered Jesus I greatly. Thus on June 28, 1914, he and his two allies, Khan and Gavrilo Princip, armed themselves with space lasers and went to Jesus II's house. Satan, the cat, was at the home, partying with the Archduke of Austria-Hungary, Franz Ferdinand, and his wife, Sophie. That night became known as the Wrath of KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNN!!!![4]

That was the last straw for Jesus II. Soon after, he delivered Jesus I an ultimatum demanding that he accept the superiority of Jesus II at golf. Jesus I, of course, refused, but he offered to negotiate some of the terms. Jesus II, however, was really pissed off about the death of Franz Ferdinand, and refused to negotiate with "Indie rock star murderers". Despite all attempts to avoid war, on July 28, 1914, Jesus II declared war on Jesus I, quickly dragging the religious world into bloody conflict.[5]

The War[edit]

World War XVII itself was very brief. Nothing interesting happened. It was five years of boring. Poland somehow managed to get invaded though, despite the fact it had not been founded yet.

The War According to a Stoner[edit]


Kermit the frog was rumored to take part in this War but he denies all allegations about it. Upon interview he said, "GET THESE MOTHERFUCKING JESII OFF MY MOTHERFUCKING PLANES." The next day he was sued by Samuel L. Jackson for infringing on the copyright of the word "MOTHERFUCKING" in caps.

Jesus III did not partake in this battle because of his broken leg from skiing the previous weekend. He had no comments on this.

Mr. Clean was a strong supported of Jesus II and thus he kept all his dishes and floors clean with his bald head.

The End of the War[edit]

Jesus I and Jesus II, realizing that there was no way that they could defeat each other in a war, signed an armistice in November of 1918. Negotiations for a peace treaty soon began. On June 28, 1919, Jesus I and Jesus II signed the Treaty of Versailles. Its provisions called for, amongst many things, the League of Nations, an organization dedicated to keeping peace between the Jesii. Another provision of the treaty, called the War Guilt Clause, called for the punishment of Germany because it was their fault that the war had started in the first place. They had to pay the Jesii $33 billion dollars in reparations. Today, Germany still owes $29 billion because they are cheap bastards. The last provision of the treaty declared that Jesus I and Jesus II were to smite homosexuals together. So the two Jesii did. To this day, they still play golf and fight, and on Thursdays, they play bingo at the retirement home.

The treaty, though, was a very disheartening defeat for Woodrow Wilson, despite the fact it incorporated his crappy idea for the League of Nations. Stressed and depressed, he died in 1924.

This was the first war of many between the Jesii. In the future, Jesii III through MMMDXLI took part in the various other Jesii Wars.


  1. Jesus II has been known to have every sexual disease known to man. In fact, scientists discovered several new STDs while examining Jesus II.
  2. This is a direct quote said by both Jesus I and Jesus II when they were asked to describe how good they were at golf. Even the exact spelling of each word was mentioned.
  3. The music to which was later released to the public in an album called Tonight, We Sing!, selling record numbers in the first few months alone.
  4. It is called the "Wrath of KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNN!!!!" because when Jesus II discovered the dead people, he screamed "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNN!!!!" because he saw it in a movie once. The night is also known as "The Wrath of the Black Hand" and "The Night Serbia Really Pissed Off Austria-Hungary".
  5. Coincidentally, this was the same day that Austria-Hungary struck back at Serbia for destroying its rock and roll legends by totally kicking Serbia's ass, which evidently pissed off Russia, who declared war two days later, followed a day later by France, who surrendered a day later when Germany joined the war.

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