Worst 100 "When I was young..." stories
Elderly people throughout history have always yammered and contemplated about how everything was better in a dimly remembered, less complicated and yet supposedly more idyllic past - everyone have probably heard at least one really lousy and unbelievable story. Here are the worst "When I was young.." stories ever told by old people (white hair on a not so old person or having lived a long time ago also makes a free pass), submitted by people all over the Internet. Note that in 99% of the cases, the senior has most likely been lying and/or overexaggerating greatly...
|Contents: 100-91 • 90-81 • 80-71 • 70-61 • 60-51 • 50-41 • 40-31 • 30-21 • 20-11 • 10-1|
“When I was young, we didn't make up misquotes about everything and posted them on silly parody wikis on the Internet like the kids do today.”
“That's exactly what I've always told people when they ask me about my childhood.”
“When I was young I was... was... oh well; I can't quite remember.”
19. "When a' wassa young gurl, there was no gravity. Everyone hatta' wear jet packs wit rockets pointing dawnwards an' always firing ta' keep peopal fro' falling up da sky an' inta space. If ya' ran outta fuel, you'd be pretty much toast. We hat all da' furniture in da' ceiling as well. Me and ya' auntie use ta' drink watta wit stras' an' eat food standing aun ar' ams because that's da' only thing ya could do ta' gettya sumthing ta' eat."
18. "Back in my day we had phone booths instead of those boring cell phones. You see, Superman and other superheroes needed the phone booths to change. We actually had real superheroes back then, not like today. You can't switch to your alter ego like that in a cell phone. Now that there are no superheroes left and them thugs rule the streets, they got rid of the old school phone booths. Little see-through glass encased rooms you could go into and call a relative or friend or neighbor and unburden yourself from all the coinage in your pockets. If Superman hadn't died in cryptonite poisoning, I'm sure we would still have phone booths. A changing room for Superman, or an excuse for Jim Croce to write a song, those booths were damn near everywhere and as comforting as a friend or Late Night Sally! Dagnabit those were the days!!!"
"In twilit aeons countless unhallowed centuries ago when the stars shone brighter and more hopeful than today and which is only dimly remembered in the fading memories of the younger generations, us kids had the wisdom to... not delve too deeply into ancient lores and soul-annihilating cosmic cohesions, for knowledge is the most dangerous thing in existence and it is better that we live on placid islands of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity. It is preferable for children today to not seek out ancient ruins in deserts or sunken corpse-cities in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, lest the horrors of unknown stygian voids that might shatter our very souls, were we not to sooth our souls with the guardian angel of blissful ignorance that alone holds of the seething primordial chaos that ever gnaws on the roots of our fragile minds, may invade our mental domain and send us on a pilgrimage to the black lands of frothing ecstacy and loathsome anarchy. Back when I was young, us children did not read forbidden books nor possessed idols of forgotten gods and squid-faced sea creatures. We did not attempt to explore geometric shapes of non-Euclidian nature that may lead to dimensions too horrible to describe, where the blind idiot god whose unspeakable name is Azathoth rules mindlessly in the midst of a vortex of nuclear chaos to the endless piping of two idiot flute players and the beatings of vile drums.
We did not fraternize with mindless, degenerated negroes whose gorilla-like appearance fills me with unutterable loathing or hawk nosed jews, either of whom are most surely in cahoots with hostile cosmic entities and nameless doomsday cults. Wait a minute - strike that last sentence."
~ From the book H. P. Lovecraft: The Decline of the West
“When I was younger, I wasn't as old as I am today.”
15. "When I was younger and more mature, us kids actually paid some more RESPECT TO THE MAN IN THE ICE CREAM VAN!!!!! than kids do today. Men in ice cream vans are just so unappreciated these days."
- See also: Scooter
14. "I remember back when we didn't have all this endless pornography, cooking programs, talent shows, TV sports or reality shows on our TV's. Back then, we actually had to have sex, cook good food, sing and play instruments, exercise and live the good life all by ourselves instead of watching others do it for us."
13. "When Jedi I first trained 800 years ago, turned to the dark side, my padawans did not. To fight Sith Lords and dark Jedi, we needed not. Mindful of the living force, my students were. Too reckless and sure of themselves, the padawans today have become!"
12. "I remember those times when the Indians hadn't invented the zero yet. That's why we didn't have those computers showing funny flying toasters in them when I was in your age, because I read that computers uses ones and zeros and we only got ones back then. Couldn't do the computers without the zeros, kiddo!"
11. "In the good old days, we didn't have no nasty drugs that you naughty kids use all the time these days. The only trips we had back when I was 9 years old was when we fell on our own shoelaces because we hadn't tied our shoes enough."
10. "When I was a kid, water had not yet been invented. If me and the other kids in the neighborhood got thirsty, we would have to collect hydrogen and oxygen particles with a butterfly-net. Then we would have to walk to the particle accelerator on the other side of the city and manually combine two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom into a H²O molecule. Then we'd have walk back to ma' with water in buckets. It would take a long time to fill up one single bucket of water, since most of the hydrogen and oxygen particles slipped through the butterfly-net."
09. "Back in my days, there were no Pacman games, neither on arcade nor on computers since those hadn't been invented either. All I and other boys in the neighbourhood had was this croquet set that we used to play with on the lawn. If we wanted to play Pacman, we would have to walk to the nearest raveparty and buy ecstasy-pills. Then we would place the ecstasy-pills along the croquet court. Three of the kids would play the monsters, and one of us would play the heroic Pacman, who would try to eat all the pills before the monsters could catch him. The monsters would all be equipped with lawnmowers and try to run over the Pacman with them. A few matches would be placed along the croquet court too as bonus items. The Pacman would try to gather them as well and use them as a weapon against the monsters, by throwing the matches into the fuel tanks of the lawnmowers, thus causing them to explode in the monsters face and sever the synapses running between the ganglions, dendrites and motor neurons of its central nerva systems, thus turning the monster temporary immobilized."
08. "Back in the more devouted and moral days, we didn't have those stinking homosexuals that you see everywhere today. That kind of sucked actually, because without those filthy faggots, there was nothing to hate except for shrimps and that was kind of boring. What is there to do if you can't go around crashing funerals and telling people that God hates them and that they will burn in Hell?"
07. "When I was young, we didn't have vivipary. Everyone was born in eggs in the Iapetus Ocean and it wasn't until recently that live birth was invented."
06. "In my childhood, guns hadn't been invented. When my father was called into the military, he had to fight the enemy with slingshots and pebbles! Them soldiers now have it all so easy killing people..."
05. "In my youth, movies and pictures weren't colored because colors hadn't been invented yet. Old movies and photos were in shades of grey because that's how things looked like back then. If we wanted to see ourselves in color we would have to take pictures of each other and Photoshop some colors into them."
04. "I remember those days before light had been invented. Those days were dangerous. People got eaten by grues all the time because it was so dark that many people couldn't find their way home again once they'd gone outside!"
03. "Back when I was young and horny, actors in movies and television had it kind of dangerous because the directors and writers couldn't kill characters without also killing their actor. Actors didn't have an easy time because the film companies didn't come up with the idea of faking death for the actors during shootings until like, 30 years ago. When you got a script saying you'd be killed on screen, that was kind of a death sentence because you'd always have to die for real."
02. "In my generation, Uncyclopedia hadn't been invented so we were forced to actually do something useful, like dipping candles or puffing dust bunnies. If we wanted to post something random and inane, posting silly notes on the library's notice board or passing notes to each other in the school classroom was pretty much it."
01. "When I was a kid, there was no money - anytime you wanted something you'd have to sell sex to get it, even us kids!"