Worst 100 Cryptic Crossword Clues of All Time

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“Bad cryptic crossword clues are like a box of chocolates: There can only be black and white, and the hidden layer always turns out to be even shittier.”

~ Forrest Gump on Bad crypric crossword clues
This article contains cryptic warnings.

What makes a bad cryptic crossword clue?[edit]

Worst cryptic crossward puzzle ever
91. (7,9), by Picasso. The answer: "Cryptic Cross Word".
68. (1).
67. (1/3).
59. (1).
55. (1).
44. (1/3).
The 69th issue of "Cluemania!" by Heidi Cluem
Error creating thumbnail: File missing
4. Ruboku - Rubik's Sudoku (333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333,333), by Buddha.
3. (9), by God. This kiwi pie ad is an anagarm of the answer, "Wikipedia", which is even worse than Wikipie, the official kiwi pies Wiki (and also than the unofficial kiwi pies Wiki, Wikiwi).
The cryptic crossword where number 1 was discovered by Oscar Wilde

a. It's uncryptic. for example: Michael Jackson=cryptic, Oscar Wilde=uncryptic.

b. It's uncrossed. for example: London Bridge=crossed, Marilyn Manson=antichrist.

c. It's unworded. for example: Bill Gates=worded, Achilles=wardead.

d. It's clueless. for example: Alicia SylveSTErstALone (See 79.)

e. It's ununcyclopedian.

f. It doesn't contain any F words.

The List[edit]

This list contains the worst 100 cryptic crossword clues ever written, according to God's True Word, cross his heart. Readers are recommended to preper their "These torture devices sound a bit like Tennis & Basketball" (6).

100-91, Not a clue[edit]

100. "Read my leaps" (6,1,4), by George Bush I.

The clue is an anagram of "My leaps, dear", which refers to Barbra Bush's pussyleaps, the origin of the answer, "George W. Bush".

99. "Let my people go" (7), by Moses.

The people of Moses are The M People. If The M People can't go, it means that they are mute. A dog is also mute, which leads us to the answer, "Pharaoh".

98. "The Godfather IV" (2010), by Danny DeVito.

The answer is to kill Leonardo DiCaprio.

97. "How can Wikipedia be usefull?" (0), by everyone.

The answer is the empty answer.

96. "W" (0.5), named by George Bush I.

If you're George W. Bush, the answer is "U".

95. "Threesome?" (1/3), by The Olsen Twins.

The answer is "Some" (As in "Some threesome!").

94. "I didn't have sex with that woman" (7,7), by Bill Clinton.

"I didn't have sex" sounds like "I didn't have sax", or "My own instrument wasn't in my possession", And the answer is "Hillary Clinton".

93. "Who killed JR?" (7), by Dallas.

Sounds like "Hook yield JR". "Hook yield" refers to Peter Pan, or P.P., or pippy, or yellow, or blonde, which gives us the true answer, "Cristal".


The clue is partly an anagram of "Can you undig it?", which gives us the answer, "Uncyclopedia".

90-81, More creepy than cryptic[edit]

90. "Oscar Wilde lost his Kelly to the founder of Uncyclopedia" (5,4), by you.

Kelly is Kelly from Beverly Hills 90210, and the answer is "Blond Cunt".

89. "Billion Dollar Babies stole the Oscar from The Aviator" (0.001), by Alice Cooper.

Stealing is a negative action, so it should be read in a reverse form: The aviator from the Oscar. The meaning is the vibrator shaped like Oscar Wilde's dick, which is a billion SM long and costs one dollar. So the answer is "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA".

88. "Check it out 3 times & it will still look like fucking Bullshit" (7,9,4), by Anonymous.

Check it out is "sea", "sea" is C, 3 times C is CCC, so we have Cryptic Crossword Clue, which leads us to the answer, "Idiotic paramedic dick".

87. "This clue is the answer of itself" (4,4,2,3,6,2,6), by Oscar Wilde.

The answer is "Fuck, this is the answer! of course!"

86. "Chicago, Cut the bullshit!" (5), by Michael Jordan.

If we cut the word bullshit in two, we'll get "Bulls-Heat". So the answer is "Miami".

85. "Singer, Don't look back in anger" (7,6), by Oasis.

"Don't look" backwards gives "Kooltnod". If we put it inside anger, we'll get "Ankoolt Nodger", which is a Black Metal singer from Norway.

84. "It's hot as hell over there, even the locals say so" (6), by Achilles.

The answer is the German name of Germany, "Hellas" (An anagram of "as hell").

83. "The opposite of dog" (3), by Jesus.

The answer is "God".

82. "Almost the opposite of Susan", by God.

The answer is "Jesus".

81. "The notion of a solvable group in group theory allows us to determine whether or not a polynomial is solvable in the radicals, depending on whether or not its Galois group has the property of solvability. In essence, each field extension L/K corresponds to a factor group in a composition series of the Galois group. If a factor group in the composition series is cyclic of order n, then the corresponding field extension is a radical extension, and the elements of L can then be expressed using the nth root of some element of K" (1), by Albert Einstein.

The answer, upside down: "x".

80-78, Racist[edit]

2. Most racist cryptic crossword ever, which is bilingual, made of triangles and contains only one clue: "Sounds like the actor who played in the movies Wilde and Alfie" (4).

80. "What did Mr. T finally do to Murdock?" (1-4), by Mr. T.

The answer is "A-Team". Sounds like "Ate him".

79. "Would this Italian-American kidnap a clueless blonde?" (9,7), by Adolf Hitler.

The answer is "Sylvester Stallone", an anagram of "steal (Alicia) Sylverstone".

78. "An Israeli cum" (4,5), by Shimon Peres.

Cum is love juice, so you gotta "Love Jews".

77-50, Bad letter-related clues by David Letterman[edit]

77. "A team" (1-4).

76. "Be the answer" (1).

75. "See the answer" (1).

74. "How the fuck did they letter be the Princess of Wales?", (1).

73. (e).

72. "Fuck and Efficiently are such words" (1-5).

71. "Spotreigning: A spot that rules" (1-4).

70. "Water minus 20" (1).

69. "I am the answer" (1).

66. "A cool rapper named J" (1/2).

65. "Am I the answer?" (1).

64. "I could be an answer" (1).

63. "O answer, what could you be?" (1).

62. "Tell me the answer quick, I gotta pee" (1).

61. "Give me a queue if you know the answer" (1).

60. "Are we close to finding the answer already?" (1).

58. "This English drink is only half-tas-ty" (1).

57. "Are you close to finding the answer, you stupid motherfucker?" (1).

56. "The Vietnam sign" (1).

53. "Why can't you find the answer, you brainless asshole??" (1).

52. "A (cros)sword that leaves a clue" (1).

51. "What Greek or Italian did Romeo have?" (1).

The answer is the Italian letter, α (The Greek cunt's name is α. Romeo).

50. "You betta find this answer soon or I'll fucking kill you, you fucking cunt" (1).

49-40, Bad number-related clues by Stephen Hawking[edit]

49. "How many wars France won, including the one against Stephen Hawking?" (1).

48. "Wot the fuck is this number?" (3).

47. "This number is not far from the tree" (5).

46. "I'm not against finding this number" (4).

45. "This boy band rhymes with a LIVE number" (1).

43. "This thriller iS EVEN worse than Friday The 13th" (1).

42. "I ate until the rise of infinity (The number)" (1).

41. "No German has this number on his arm" (4).

40. "Nadia Comaneci got it, because was never beatTEN" (3).

39-31, by Cluedia Schiffer, Heidi Cluem & Cindy Clueford[edit]

The folllowing clues are in the Illiteracish language.

39. "I burning your dog" (3), by Heidi Cluem.

The answer is "Hot" (A common word: I am hot, burning is hot, and hot dog is hot).

38. "Der encyclopedia de ich" (11), by Cluedia Schiffer. Answer: Encycluedia.

37. "10-Nine der encyclopedia de ich" (13), by Cluedia Schiffer. Answer: Eincyclopedia.

36. "He was the ril thing!", by Cluedia Schiffer. Answer: "Hitler" (anagram of "teh ril").

35. "He made something big to disapir!", by Cluedia Schiffer. Answer: "David Copperfield".

34. "Suitable for sexual uct", by Cluedia Schiffer. Answer: "Cut" (anagram of uct).

33. "xxx", by Heidi Cluem. Answer: Heidi (as in "High D").

32. "Pride + D = me", by Cindy Clueford. Anwer: "Cindy" (as in "Sin D").

31. "David Beckham = sick rat", by Cluedia Schiffer, Heidi Cluem & Cindy Clueford. Answer: Victoria's Secret.

30-21, Shreds of clues, by The Shredder[edit]

The following clues suffer from Self-reference, and all share the same answer: "Shred of a clue".
29. (5,2,1,4).

30. c.

28. l.

27. u.

26. e.

25. cl.

24. lu.

23. ue.

22. clu.

21. lue.

20-11, Chinese[edit]

The following clues were designed by the Chinese people.

20. 点点点点点点 方 (10,4). The answer is "Bloodhound Gang".

19. 囲纪米囲纪米囲纪米 (12). The answer is "Motherfucker".

18. 枝景 (5,2). The answer is "Spread 'em".

17. 本 + 日 (11). The unicycle and the Chinese book are describing an encyclopedia of unicycles, and the answer is "Uncyclopedia".

16. 内 本 を 大。 (7,2008). The answer is "Beijing 2008".

15. も 下。个 小 (7,2008,10,5). The answer is "Beijing 2008, Paralympic Games".

14. “三个代表”重要思想 (13). The answer is "Privatization".

13. 門 (9). The clue represents the flags of Poland and Indonesia, so the answer is "Polynesia".

12. 使 (5,6). The answer is "Dolly Parton".

11. 当 (6,5). The answer is "Eminem Rulez".

10-6, Endless cycles: Answer is still a clue[edit]

10. "I'm a sorry ass" (2,5,1,6,1,4), by Kate Moss.

Unlike Cluedia Schiffer, Heidi Cluem & Cindy Clueford, Kate Moss hasn't a clue. so the answer is "I'm sorry I haven't a clue". (Note apostrophes.)

9. (4,2,4), by four, by George W. Bush. The answer is "Clue by four".

8. "Cul? Nope!" (7), by Bill Gates. The answer: "Cluepon".

7. "Cindy Clueford is Batgirl" (7), by Jesus. The answer: "Cluebat".

6. "L'E.U.C. is the Extended Unix Code". by Bill Gates.

The same code (cryptic crossword) is described twice (double-meaning), and "L'E.U.C." is an anagram on the answer, "clue".

5-5, Worst anagram[edit]

5. "I am an arg" (7), by Stephen Hawking.

The clue arguments that it is an argument, so we have double-meaning. "Am an arg" is an anagram of the answer, "Anagram".

Worst Cryptic Crossword Clue of All Time[edit]

Disovered by Oscar Wilde in 2000, on his Weird Al Yankovic era. We choose to present this evil clue on another entry, because it could turn this page into the missing page of The Ninth Gate.

2. Go North, Young Man.

1. "Dry"

The Answer: Oscar Wilde

Honorable Mention[edit]