Worst 100 Foods of All Time

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
100 April Fools Jokes
99 Colours
98 Creatures to have sex with
97 Firefox extensions
96 Foods
95 Gifts to give a friend
94 Harry Potter Spin-offs
93 Inventions
92 Locations
91 LOL Cats
90 Make Out Songs
89 Moments to get a Boner
88 Moments to Laugh
87 Money Making Schemes
86 Movies
85 Non-existent Words
84 Non-Sexual Things To Do With No Pants On
83 Nutty Conspiracy Theories
82 Overused Star Trek Episode Plots
81 Pick-up lines
80 Pokemon Cash-Ins
79 Porn Stars
78 Quick Detections that an Uncyclopedia page sucks
77 Reasons to become a Christian
76 Reflections on 2005
75 Reflections on 2006
74 Reflections on 2007
73 Reflections on 2008
72 Reflections on 2009
71 Reflections on 2010
70 Reflections on 2011
69 Reflections on 2012
68 Rejected Harry Potter Novels
67 Remakes
66 Restaurants
65 Self Help Books
64 Sequels
63 Sexual Perversions
62 Short Poems
61 Sitcom Catchphrases
60 Songs
59 Songs about Seagulling
58 Songs Referencing Paedophilia
57 Songs To Have Sex To
56 Songs To Play At A Funeral
55 Spinoffs
54 Superheroes
53 Things About the '00s
52 Things Rick Astley is Never Gonna Do
51 Things to do during Christmas
50 Things to Put In An IV
49 Things To Say In Court
48 Things to Say in the Workplace
47 Things to say on a First Date
46 Toys
45 TV Programs
44 Uncyclopedia In-Jokes
43 Video Games of all time‎
42 Video Game Movies
41 Video Game Systems
40 Ways of Being a Dick
39 Ways To Be Castrated
38 Ways to be Circumcized
37 Ways to Deliver Bad News
36 Ways to Die
35 Ways to Exercise
34 Ways to Fight a Crocodile
33 Ways to Fight a Dolphin
32 Ways to Fight a Duck
31 Ways to Fight a Frog
30 Ways to Fight a Jellyfish
29 Ways to Fight a Kangaroo
28 Ways to Fight a Lemur
27 Ways to Fight a Man
26 Ways to Fight a Penguin
25 Ways to Fight a Pirate
24 Ways to Fight a Platypus
23 Ways to Fight a Queen
22 Ways to Fight a Snake
21 Ways to Fight a Turtle
20 Ways to Fight a Vampire
19 Ways to Fight a Werewolf
18 Ways to Fight an African Elephant
17 Ways to Fight an Alligator
16 Ways to Fight an Asian Elephant
15 Ways to Fight an Iguana
14 Ways to Fight an Ox
13 Ways to Fight an Ugly Animal
12 Ways to Get a Boyfriend
11 Ways to Get a Girlfriend
10 Ways to Hack a Computer
9 Ways to Kill Sarah Connor
8 Ways to Start a Novel
7 Ways to Win an Argument
6 Weapons
5 Werewolves
4 Worlds of Fiction
3 Xylophones
2 Yaks
1 Zebras

“I came, I saw, I Worst 100 Foods of All Timeed.”

~ Julius Caesar on Worst 100 Foods of All Time


100. Bacon.
You say you're not hungry but you know you want it.
The best known cure for vegetarianism but its still bad.
99. Crackers.
A food which has become unpopular in Afro-American communities.
98. Haggios.
Toasted oatee-o's made from haggis.
97. Queerios.
A California cereal that failed when it was found that the toasted oatee-os didn't go with tofu.
96. A Hill of Beans.
This is what some people's lives amounted to after first making the hill of beans, then having to eat it.
95. Bimbo Sandwich.
A Portuguese delicacy that was pulled from the market when it caused men to grow blonde hair and sprout huge breasts.
94. Geekbeef.
Jolt cola and potato chips.
93. Flapjacks
Cookies that British child delinquents used instead of stones to break windows.
92. Hairy Goat Cheese.
Blue cheese made from Goat's Milk.
91. Erektus Energy Drink.
Sold in a long, narrow, cylindrical, flesh-tone can with a curious texturing along the side. Few people understood that it was a tribute to the Greek God Erektus, God of Concrete Pillars (these, of course, are the famous erections made by the Greeks, which supported most of their sacred buildings).


90. Pee Cola.
A cola from Ghana, named of course after Mr. Pee, the owner of the company.
89. Fried Cock Swayne
Battered and deep fried peckerhead chickens.
88. Calimari Jerky.
An attempt at giving high-class food to the working class, until they found out they were eating octopus. Tastes like reheated plastic served with deep-fried cardboard.
87. Piddle in the Hole Beer.
Only the British could buy this without laughing.
86. Cream of the Crop.
Corn with something un-mentionable running down the side.
Corn with come stains on it.
85. Cake Chipponade
That's when male strippers jump out of the cake.
84. Tacos de Ojo.
Mexican tacos made from cow's eyes.
83. Kitty offal.
A by-product of kitten huffing. An uncyclopedian delicacy, as is kitty tripe on rye.
82. Garter Tartar.
An additive in snickerdoodle cookies, although one would have to go through a lot of garters to obtain sufficient tartar for an industrial process.
81. Prick Hot Dogs.
This was popular for a short time, until Brazilian consumers heard of the phrase "you are what you eat".


If you are in the habit of offering to eat your hat on a bet, make sure that all parts of it are reasonably edible.
80. Hat.
Something that is eaten if you lose a bet, as in: "If he arrives on time for once, I'll eat my hat."
79. Words.
Something else that is eaten if you lose a bet. Words taste better than hats.
78. Boohoo Breakfast
OH NO!!! Broccoli with eggs and sausage!
77. Double Dead Meat
Un-inspected meat, sold to consumers. First the animal dies, then you.
76. Belcher's Square Sausage.
One of the little known nutritional facts is that square sausages make you belch, while round ones make you fart. Choose wisely.
75. The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread
Sliced bread was always "kind of there". It was never that great. It's like saying "The Greatest Thing Since Open-Toed Sandals". The only appropriate response is "so what?"
74. Hairy Sardines.
A marketing effort to offload mouldy sardines that failed.
73. Amuse Bouche
Small, bite sized hors d'œuvres.
72. Hors D'œuvres
That's French for Horse's Ovaries.
71. Corn Pone
If you want the full effect, mill yourself some corn kernels into a fine flour inside a reasonably large wigwam add water, let rise over a fire in a pan, and if any hoochie mamas are present, you can even make hoe cakes.


70. Johnny cakes
Corn pone made in a teepee that has a toilet.
69. Big Nuts Candy.
Not all people considered big nuts to be candy, so it has a limited distribution.
68. Gedunk
Ice cream, candy, chips. Also called gejunk.
67. Gaelic Coffee.
Coffee made by Druid Priests, requiring one of you to be sacrificed.
66. Hurricane Ham
The serving of pork from a pig picked up by a tornado and which ended up on your property.
65. Goat's Head Soup.
The goat's head depicted on the Rolling Stones album had the head of a deformed goat which looked like Mick Jagger. Tastes like Formula 1 diesel.
64. Grand Fromage
Feta cheese with a mold growing in the shape of Darth Vader. To many, he is the biggest cheese there is.
The boss of all cheeses. Also called the "head cheese", or if served in pairs at a Bible study, "Jesus Chesses".
63. Ken-Taco-Hut
A food chain soon to be merged with Mc-Nike-Soft.
62. Egg On Your Face
Eggs used in pornography for other actors to lick off. Not sure why that's sensual. Egg on your face is not usually discussed in mixed company.
61. Pie in the sky
Pie that is edible only after you're dead.

“Work and Pray, live on hay. You'll get Pie in the sky when you die”

~ Old hymn


60. Molecular gastronomy
A phrase referring to a kind of microdieting fad where you consume food in individual molecules. Most believers in this fad never lived long enough to end their meal.
59. Plopp Chocolate Bar.
No one in the Czech Republic figured it was named after the owner, Kolonman Radovan Plopp, and soon it was squeezed out of the market, and it fell with a dull thud.
58. Steak Puffs.
A short-lived cereal which attempted to mix meat with puffed rice.
57. Shamburger
That wasn't beef.
A kid smashing a cake in the messiest way possible.
56. Smash Cake.
Take a cake, hollow it out. Fill the inside with acrylic paints; slather the outside with the heaviest grease you can find, coloured brown to look like chocolate. Place in front of an energetic two year-old. Stand back with a video camera. When the kid turns 18, show it to him or her on their graduation.
55. Sweetbreads.
A disappointment to those expecting actual bread that tastes sweet.
54. Sweetmeats.
A disappointment to those expecting actual meat.
53. Ten Foot High Tower of Steak.
Served at a local family restaurant. 70 kilograms (154 pounds) of prime beef. If you ate one, you could get another one free.
52. Head Cheese.
A disappointment to anyone expecting actual cheese.
51. Pettes de soeur.
This brand of Quebec-based cinnamon rolls, named "Nun's Farts", was probably aiming at the same marketing strategy that caused Moose Poop earrings to sell on E-Bay.


50. Fish.

“The only food which becomes spoiled once it smells like what it is.”

~ P. J. O'Rourke on Fish
49. Meat.
The only difference between Meat and Fish is that if you beat your fish, it dies.
48. Calzone.
A very expensive Italian cheese made from stains on trouser legs. The high price of cheese is due to the number of unclean pants needed to get enough scrapings to make a brick of cheese.
47. Toe Jam.
Take enough scrapings from between your toes to fill 250mL. Since this may take over a month to obtain enough to fill a cup, take a few day's worth, incubate for 36 hours at 37C under moist conditions in an agar medium. Scrape off the resulting growth. Add sugar, pectin and food coloring. Chill overnight. Serve to feed your hungry multitudes.
46. Calimari.
An Italian seafood dish, which couldn't be named fried octopus rings, or no one would eat it.
45. Kopi Luwak.
The Indonesian Civet Cat. A very small furry critter that, in all honesty, doesn't go to the bathroom all that often.
A very expensive Indonesian coffee made from mongoose poop. Since the mongoose (an Indonesian Civet Cat, which is not really a cat) is so small, the high price of Kopi Luwak is due to having to hunt around in a dense rainforest looking for enough mongoose dump to fill a half pound bag.
44. Cherry Bomb.
Kids dare each other to see how many of these you could eat before you were squirming on the floor wretching helplessly.
43. Imam Bayildi.
A Turkish stuffed eggplant preparation which was banned by the Eastern Orthodox Church, due to the number of clerics that ended up unconscious or in a coma when eating it.
42. Toad in the Hole.
A food served in British pubs, but let's face it ... no one goes to a British pub to eat, do they?
41. Soup Dragons.
What you think you see after consuming Soup Dragons soup.


40. Pizza.
The culinary equivalent of a child's fingerpainting, baked and served as food.
39. American Pie.
Looking upon the pie will cause weight gain.
38. Gallon Red.
A nickname given to a sweet red drink with no discernible brand sold at "Everything for a buck" stores.
37. Welsh Rabbit.
Basically toast and cheese. No rabbit. Animal rights activists got the wrong impression, and due to IFAW's "save the bunnies" campaign, restaurants in Wales had to stop serving it.
36. Heart Attack on a Plate.
KFC, fried in artery-clogging hog fat, hooked up to a 30,000V power supply.
35. Cucumber.
You never know where that cucumber has been.
34. Twinkies.
"Insanity by twinkies" resulted in the acquital of Dan White for the murders of mayor George Moscone and councillor Harvey Milk.
Upon eating, the resulting brain changes caused the murder of a gay San Francisco city Councillor. The moral of the story: Never have Milk and Twinkies.
33. Chifafa.
A molehill decorated with rabbit droppings.
32. Debt Ceiling Chicken.
The loser of this contest becomes the debt ceiling turkey.
31. Parson's Nose.
Only Catholics eat the end of the turkey called the Parson's Nose. If you are Protestant, then you have to settle for eating the Pope's Nose instead.


30. Hoecake.
A delicacy of black urban neighbourhoods. Also called "Hoochie Mama Cake".
29. Food's Ghost
28. Leftovers.

“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.”

~ Calvin Trillin on Leftovers
27. Beer Nuts.
Very similar to deer nuts, except that beer nuts sell for $1.50, while deer nuts are under a buck.
26. Mountain Oysters.
Bull testicles.
25. Pairie Oysters.
A disappointment to anyone expecting oysters or even seafood. A pleasant surprise to alcoholics.
24. Frim-Fram Sauce.
Jazz singers keep ordering the stuff, usually with a large helping of ussin-fay and chifafa on the side. You need to be very drunk to consume this dish.
23. Dollars To Doughnuts.
If the doughnut is only a dollar, it isn't worth eating.
22. Gag in a Bag.
Contains a decaying rat with a dead mouse in its mouth.
21. Garlic Fingers.
Make french fries. Let cool to room temperature. Rub each one under your armpit. Salt and serve.


20. Guru Tripe
A tripe made from the stomach of a recently sacrificed Zimbabwean guru.
19. Unwashed Tripe
Also called "green tripe", made while the cow's stomach is still green.
18. Cheappuccino.
Any specialty coffee that ends up tasting like dirt stirred in hot water.
17. Cow's Ass Sewed up With Barbed Wire.
Remove barbed wire before consuming.
16. Knuckle Sandwich.
Being served a knuckle sandwich is undesirable, but anyone can have it without charge.
It's the sandwich you eat exactly when you don't want to and don't feel hungry.
15. Hangover Soup.
Two tylenol dissolved in a Hot Toddy.
14. Bible Tripe
A tripe made from the third stomach of a sacred cow. If you don't have a sacred cow, or even any cow at all, you can always rip out pages from the Book of Leviticus.
13. Cake at a bulemic party.
That's where the cake jumps out of the girl.
12. Eau D'ouche.
Cut up one medium carrot, and shuck about a half cup of peas. Allow to rot for 4 days. Bring 2 cups of Eau D'ouche to a slow boil. Add carrots and peas. Feeds four worst enemies.
11. Happy Meal.
A hamburger and a blow job.


10. Herky Jerky.
A beef preparation made by a spastic cook.
9. Dich Milch.
Get your mind out of the gutter. It doesn't mean what you think it means, you pervert.
A German yogurt brand which too many teenagers splashed all over their high school bathroom stalls at their school, so the product was pulled.
8. Black Busch Liquor.
Like much of the Busch brand, consumers found it was only for pussies.
7. Technicolor Gruel.
You take a wide assortment of food coloring, baking soda, and vinegar. Pack in as much cooked, sticky rice as you can. Mix it all together at the last minute. Scrape off the ceiling and serve.
6. Home brew.
Can be alternatively used as a fuel for model rockets, or for dissolving ceramics and plastics. Tastes like turpentine with a hint of nail polish remover.
5. Spotted Dick Sponge Cake.
British guests used to run and hide whenever they knew it was two-thirty and the host was serving a plate of Spotted Dick with their tea.
4. The Hour of Power
Drink a shotglass of a strong drink once every 60 seconds for one hour. By the end, some participants thought they saw Jesus and Elvis interviewed by Sheila Schuller Coleman[1].
3. Road apples.
Alternatively named "Pomme de rue" or "Pomme de terre", Road Apples are a disappointment to those who thought they were being served apples, although the relationship is a little closer than the other expressions seen in this article. You feed a horse an apple. Wait a day or two. Scrape off the road and serve.
2. Langues de chats.
These are all the toungues harvested by cats from speechless passers-by.
1. Rapefruit.
I don't even wanna know what it looks/tastes like