Worst 100 Sexual Perversions

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“Not many people know this but I was actually imprisoned because I had all of these perversions”

According to God's True Word, the following are the worst 100* Sexual Perversions. Readers are required to have their sporks and tissues to hand.

109. Masturphilia:-An extremely extreme attraction to masturbation. That of your own, or of someone else.

108. Little Boy-Syndrome:-Having the compulsion to fuck little boys.

107. Animiphilia:-The desire to have sex with an anime character. (i.e. Naruto Uzumaki, Ichigo Uchiha, Orochimaru, Michael Jackson, etc.)

106. SheSellsSeaShellsByTheSeaShoreophilia:-They aren't called tongue twisters for nothing.

105. Galipiphilia:-An extreme attraction towards wartime memorabilia (why else are artillery shells shaped like that?).

104. Existenstiaphilia:-If you aren't having sex, then sex doesn't exist.

103. Grassaphilia:-The desire to have sex with the front lawn.

102. Canadiaphillia:- The desire to Have sex in a cold area with a (wo)man in a weird accent while havin' some good ol' Flapjacks with maple syrup. Also a French accent works too.

101. Assphilia:- The desire to put your Tongue on an ass Image.

100. Pyrophilia:- The burning desire to have sex with a partner who is on fire. Tip: lighter fluid works well and doesn't smell as bad as petrol.

99.5. Pyrocoprophilia:- The desire to take a shit on your partner and set the shit on fire.

99. Cropohilia:- Liking for rumpy pumpy in a field of corn.

98. Frodorism:- Lusting after a small person's ring.

97. Dwarfism:- Dressing up in silly pointed hats and wanking over a sleeping person of the female type gender.

96. Autoerotisism:- Cars, lots and lots of cars... yummmmmmmmmmmmmm

95. Boothmania:- Trying to have sex in or somehow with a telephone booth

94. Agmalgatophilia:- Sexual attraction to very still mixtures of metals.

93. Paraphilia:- The love of having sex with members of her Majesty's Parachute Regiment.

92. Crush fetish:- getting turned on by pouring Fizzy orange drinks over people in a confined space.

91. Harpaxophilia:- getting aroused whilst watching Marx Brothers films.

90. Thatcherism:- Getting turned on by the sight of ladies handbags

89. Wikipedism:- The sandbox's not just for testing, you know.

88. Uncyclophila:- This causes one to use Unyclopedia 24/7 and want to have sex with an admin

87. Kittenhuffillia:- The urge to have sex with kittens before you huff them

86. Liberphillia:- The Need to put your penis in books before you read them

85. Floppydiskism:- When the porn is just too good and you need more than your hand to satisfy yourself

84. Cddriveism:- As above but for the more up to date man

83. Clotrmogism:- The urge to turn your penis inside-out and use it as a vagina

82. Delicatestism:- The need to suck one's testicle juices through a silly straw

81. Phone Sex fetish:- The urge to have sex with a phone

80. Cyberphilia:- The need to have sexual intercourse with electronic devices

79. Negrophilia:- The need to exclusively have sex with black people

78. Eminemphilia:- The unexplainable urge to have sexual intercourse, while singing bad rap samples in synchronization.

77. Hentaiphilia:- The desire to have sex with any hot cartoon character you see

76. AIMphilia:- Also called OMG WTF SECKS!11, this is the need to have sex while shouting nonsensical Internet jargon, including yelling "LOL!" and "OMG I R SECKSING U." May cause hilarity.

75. Hemophilia:- The urge to have sex whilst slowly gutting your partner and letting the blood drip all over you

74. Jesuphilia:- The urge to have all sexual acts somehow involve a statue of the Virgin Mary. (Alternate: The unexplainable urge to have sex in a manger)

73. WoWphilia:- Urge to have sex with WoW, need they be more retarded?

72. Lewinskyphilia:- I did not have sexual relations with that woman, , ,only her mouth.

71. Powersuck-o-philia:- The desire to make love to a shop-vac.

70. Macrophilia:- The desire to make a simple key command for a task you can't be bothered to repeat over and over again.

69. PaulManiacophilia:- The unexplainable desire to . . .uhm . .

68. Slothophilia:- The desire to make slow movements (such as the robot) during intercourse.

67. Teddyophillia:- The desire to knock up your teddy bears or let one knock you up. (Bestiality!! You sick bastard!)

66. Philadelphilia:- The irresistible urge to have it on with a certain city (of otherwise undisputed reputation).

65. Tranvetiteaphilia:- The sexual urge to have sex with a transvestite under the freeway late at night whilst watching re-runs of Everybody Loves Raymond.

64. Dig-Dugphilia:- The desire to don a jumpsuit and blow up your sexual partner with a bicycle pump.

63. Hulkphilia:- The desire to wear green make-up and get 'mad' with your partner.

62. Phillisteakphilia:- The desire to spread melted cheese on your hoagie rolls.

61. Hydrophilia:- The desire to make out with a glass of water.

60. Hygrophilia:- The desire to make out with a glass of drought.

59. Blockbusterphilia:- Wow! What a difference!

58. Paddyphilia:- The Overbearing desire to fornicate with potatoes.

57. Marxophilia:- The desire to have sex with everyone in world, each according to his/her needs.

56. Plushophilia

55. Frottage (Rubbing up against others on public transport)

54. Plate - Job:- masturbating under a glass coffee table while someone shits on it.

53. Furryphilla:- The desire to mate with people in fox suits. See Rednecks

52. AC/DC:- inserting an AC adapter's plug in your dick and plugging the adapter into a wall socket in hopes of a "surge splurge."

51. PISSGUMPHILLIA:- The desire to soak your dentures over night in urine...

50. Yoyohotophismillia:- The desire to come back to somehow who has genital herpes and then make a commercial about it.

49. Punchurcockophilia:- The extreme urge to hold your own erect penis down and masturbate by punching your genitals.

48. Book-Horniness:- The urge to have a massive orgy with thirty or more award winning books or owls. (Also known as intelligent bestiality.)

47. Contortaphilia:- To sex while playing twister.

46. Christianity:- The desire to crucify one's DICK!

45. STD-Overload Desire:- The goal of obtaining all of the known STD's in existence. Gotta catch 'em all! Poke'Ma'John!

44. Inanimateobjectaphiliacitis:- A mental disorder in which the afflicted demands inanimate objects to take them right where they lie.

43. Weenie-Beaters Disease:- The condition in which one drops heavy objects on their genitalia until they pass out.

42. Universalphilia:- the desire to have sex with Anything, Something, and therefore, Everything.

41. Astrophilia:- The need to have sexual activity in a zero G environment.

40. Nucleophilia:- The desire to have sex with an atomic bomb.

39. Emophilia:- The desire to have sex with emos.

38. Kaiserwillheimophilia:- the desire to have sex with a German with a tiny arm.

37. Winnetwagonphilia:- The need to penetrate a person that is carrying winnets.

36. Laundryophilia:- The desire to have sex with laundry, fresh out of the dryer.

35. CardoAikmaphilia:- The desire (necessity) to have sex with a cardboard cutout of Troy Aikman while wearing a cowboy hat with matching boots and spurs.

34. TrinityPhilia:- The desire to show yo love for the father, son, and holy ghost. Or just to get freaky with Trinity Zamrzla, that dudes a beast yo!

33. Speedophilia:- The desire to have sex at or with ludicrously high speeds.

32. Tartophilia:- The desire to have sex with warm pastries.

31. Shaggyshaggyphilia:- The desire to have sex with Vietnamese prostitutes.

30. Necroinsestphilia:- the desire to have sex with a dead relative.

29. Wookieephilia:- The need to have sex one a daily basis with either a Wookiee or a very large hairy women.

28. Xylophonophilia:- In which a person does the deed with an incredibly skinny woman whilst hammering her ribcage with sticks.

27. WetLaundryophilia:- The desire to have sex with wet laundry, fresh out of the washing machine.

26. Giedaophilia:- The desire to have sex with just who you think it is.

25. Hobophilia:- The desire to pleasure yourself with and in the company of a Hobo.

25. Crowleyophilia:-The urge to have sex with a black woman followed by sticking your dick down a meat grinder while orgasming.

24. Cainophilia:-The desire to indulge in self mutilation of genitalia whilst an elderly black woman defecates on one's chest, and John Cleese defibs one's testicles.

23. Senioraphilia:- The urge to have sex with someone who is three grade ahead of you.

22. squeezeaphilia:- The urge to have sex with anything that has a tiny hole.

21. Hoopophilia:- The urge to rape the center on your high school's varsity guys basketball team even though you are a guy yourself.

20. Automotivephilia:- The need to have sex with your car, no matter when, where or how.

19. UnwashedLaundryophilia:- The desire to have sex with dirty unwashed laundry. Any guesses why the laundry needed to be washed in the first place?

18. Crossaphilia:- The desire to tackle the first person to win a high school cross country race and rape them til they cry for their mommy.

17. Hockaphilia:- The urge to rape any given person at any given time that is within the Hockomock area.

16. Trampaphillia:- The uncontrollable urge to have sex with, or on, a trampoline.

15. Asianophilia:- The desire to make all beings in sight; both human and animal, Asianfied.

14. Stuffaphilia:- The urge to want to have sex with everything in sight

13. Audiophilia:- The desire to seek pleasure from the vibration of sound waves.

12. OscarWildeishphilia:- Attempting to imitate the "sexcapades" of Oscar Wilde.

11. Pedophilia:- The desire to have sex with feet.

10. Loliphilia:- The desire to have sex with small cartoon children anytime you see them, and its HOT HOT HOT

9. Technophilia:- The desire to have sex with a computer...or a nerd

8. Panphilia:- The desire to have sex with members of the genus Pan (chimpanzees, bonobos, and Peter)

7. Spedophilia:- The desire to have sex with someone of negligible mental capabilities.

6. Sisteraphilia:- The urge to have sex with your sister. (note: This does not apply if you're a girl yourself.)

5. Sisterophilia:- The urge to have sex with your sister who just had a sex change.

4. Wikiphilia:- The desire to have sex with a Wikipedia contributor.

3. Homopuppetphilia:- A sexual attraction to gay puppets. WE wish the best to Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat.

2. Oldaphilia:- the need/ desire to bum a slow old person walking across the street.

1. Polpotophilia:- The desire to jerk off in front of 200,000+ dead people.

0.999... Laconophilia:- The desire to have sex with Sparta.

0. Mothophilia:- The desire to have sex with your mom.

Your moms reaction to you <insert name here> having Mothophilia

0.5 Tigerphilia:- Having multiple affairs because you love nothing more then to me unmercifully beat by your wife.

0.00 Philiaphilia:- The desire to have sex with sex itself.

-0 Poképhilia:- The desire to have sex with Pokémon, usually with the sex symbols Gardevoir (it's French) and Lopunny.

-1 Smithophilia:- the desire to have sex only for one's desire for a profit margin.

-9001 Pantophilia:- The desire to have sex with everything. Ever.

Sexual Fetishes, Paraphilias, and Assorted Perversions