X-Force is a comic book series published by Marvel Comics, recently restarted to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the much loved speculator-driven comics boom of the late 1980s. Its current incarnation was devised on a simple premise: Having Wolverine in five different comics at the same time makes lots of money, so having five Wolverines in one comic at the same time must make an even greater concentration of money. With this concept, the team of Wolverine, She-Wolverine, Wolverindian, and Wolverintintin premiered in February of 2008 to much critical shrugging. The fifth Wolverine, producer Brian Wolvepstein, stayed out of the limelight enjoyed by the group and died of a drug overdose in 1967. He was not a fan favourite anyway, especially after it was revealed that he was actually Lithuanian, not a mutant.
The modern X-Force is a super-secret assassin team that nobody is allowed to trace back to the X-Men. Which is why Wolverine, the most recognisable mutant on the planet except for Ronald Reagan, cunningly disguised himself by dying his famous costume black.
In 1991, the time-travelling cripple Cable took to sleeping in the New Mutants’ basement, before forging them into a more effective strike force that he named X-Force, after his hobby of sexually abusing his former wife, Domino. He kicked out all of the team members who didn't look like Madonna and replaced them with new characters that knew how to use three katanas and a ray gun at the same time, and prepared to turn it up to the max, kick ass and bring the pain. Then he and his team kind of hung around in a cave while bad guys attacked them, until Rob Liefeld ran off to become a comics superstar somehow.
After that, the team got more practical footwear and started to fight the good fight, mainly by standing behind Cable while he held enormous guns. Otherwise they mostly waited for the next big X-Men crossover, when the team members who weren't Cable would have four months of downtime to sit around sharing a bong with the members of X-Factor who weren't Havok.
The Arse Falls out of The Industry
Suddenly all the speculators moved on to collectible card games, and comics fans realized that Cable is a bit shit really. And that big comics crossovers were really boring. Fortunately, their rabid hoarding mentality was still strong, and any comic with X in the title was still worth printing. In the comic, this meant the team suddenly could explore its purpose and portray its interesting membership without worrying about the next crossover event. Overjoyed with their moment in the sun, they all got into a car and followed the Grateful Dead on tour for a while, occasionally solving crimes with the help of Scooby, Funky Phantom, Captain Caveman, and the Incredible Smoo.
The team was later joined by Warren Ellis, a British mutant with the power to make knives of energy shoot out of his fingers. Ellis kicked out most of the members and trained the rest as terrorists to fight the black operative agencies of the world’s legitimate governments. Then Warren Ellis died of a massive Red Bull overdose, the shock causing Kitty Pryde to grow her hymen back. Nevertheless, the team carried on Ellis’ mission to preserve his memory and make the world a better place, for days after the funeral, until the welfare checques cleared.
The comic was eventually reimagined as an indy comic about mutant media darlings who died a lot. Unfortunately superhero comic fans didn’t like reading indy crap, and indy comic fans didn’t like reading superhero crap. So despite critical acclaim from dozens of Goths and bad poets, X-Force, renamed X-Hepcats Daddy O Like Smoothsville, was soon cancelled.
Shortly after the turn of the new millennium, Marvel Comics noticed something that DC Comics had already figured out. Even though massive crossovers and publicity stunts had driven away most comic readers, today’s market is made up of the same nerds who actually hung around after the speculator boom, but now they are older and all have high paying jobs working with computers and are married to Japanese women who look a little bit like children. So a new age of crossovers and stunts began.
The new X-Force were formed during the Messiah Complex crossover, where the X-Men fought Jesus. It was their job to hunt down and kill Cable, who had kidnapped Madeleine McCann, the first mutant born since Dial M for M Day. Instead they got sidetracked. Despite their failure they decided they liked wearing black rubber suits together, and they heroically saved the trademark by naming themselves X-Force. It is now their mission to hunt down and kill any threat to mutants, with the same level of success they had against Cable.
Where will it go from here? It's going to be a rollercoaster ride from now until four months from now when it gets cancelled.
|Superheroes and heroines||Captain Planet - The Amazing Fiber-Man - Spider-Woman - Mary Jane - The Incredible Hunk - The Scarlet Spider - Daredevil - Dr. Strange - The Punisher - Ghost Rider - Deadpool - Igloo - The other Captain Marvel - Stan Lee|
|Supervillains||Blackheart - Dr. Doom - Electro - Galactus - Green Goblin - Juggernaut - Mecha-Dracula - Rob Liefeld - Batroc - Kool-Aid Man - Loki - The Hobgoblin - Fred Phelps - Blackout the Vampire - Venom - Dr. Octopus - Spider-Man's Rogue's Gallery - The Creature|
|X-Men||Professor X - Apocyclopse - Gene Grey - Beast - Wolverine - Bishop - Cable the Larry Guy - Northstar|
|Salacious Six||Sr. Tentacles - The Wang - Sabertooth|
|Other teams||The Inhumans - The Revengers - The Fantastic Four|